As the title suggests, this one is going to be a tad on the random side. But most of you are well versed in the the randomness of Rants. Any newbie readers, welcome and enjoy, you get used to it.
In a week where I have been out three nights in a row, - unheard of and freakin' exhausting - I've seen three live bands/musicians, and caught up with an old friend over some vino. There's been a lot going on in the world of Rants.
Don't you hate it when you go to a bar/restaurant, ask for a soft drink - coke or lemonade - then they pour it out of a multi-pack bottle that you can buy at the supermarket, then they charge you about £1.50 more than they paid for the entire 2 litre bottle? That really gets my goat. £2.50 for a lemonade in barely a half pint glass, in fact I think it was smaller than that. Say what? £5.00 for two soft drinks, I might as well have had half a cider. Robbin' bastards. That was Tuesday night. On Monday night we'd been in Shoreditch and managed to get a lemonade, not poured out of a cheap bottle right in front of me, but out of one of those pressy button snakey things. You know what I mean. Oh, and half a cider for £3.60 and that was in Shoreditch. Baffled!
Anyway, from day light robbery to day light rattery. After leaving my first school on Wednesday, after teaching my morning classes - bearing in mind this was 11.40am - I walked on the opposite side of the road than I usually do as there was a big lorry parked. And running through one of the gardens under a bush was a freakin' massive rat. Ahhhh! Rats are one of those things that I'm technically not scared of, until I see one. Man it was huge and fat. God knows what it's been eating. *shudders just thinking about it* Back to the other side of the road next week.
Something else I noticed on Wednesday was that my tube from Earl's Court to Wimbledon - I get off at East Putney - was way busier than usual, yet both my other tube journeys had been quieter.
*cogs turning, clocks ticking*
Oh yeah, it's Wimbledon. Ha.
Now to vermin of the flying world. The pigeons are back in full force, terrorising the balcony area and in this hot Summery weather, their cooing and scratching and general annoying behaviour is going on right behind my writing desk and I have to have the door open or I actually go up in flames. I spend at least twenty minutes a day running up to the window, yelling 'piss off' and shaking the curtains to get them to fly away. Honestly, it's like they're having little mother's meetings or something. It's the frickin' Pigeon PTA. Find somewhere else you buggers. I'm trying to write.
Now they're becoming sneaky too. They sit on the balcony trying to peck through to A's herbs that he is desperately trying to grow, and when you chase them off, they fly to the adjacent roof top and wait for you to disappear before flying back again. I swear it's the same ones every time. Sneaky little conniving *******
It's almost as if they enjoy the scare. They sit and coo, even earlier every morning - damn sunlight - and keep going until you get up to scare them off. They are essentially daring each other to coo the loudest and then are playing chicken with each other. Who can keep cooing the longest and not be scared when the big bad humans come to yell at them. Pigeon's playing chicken.....whoever would have guessed.
Just as I pause to write the next line, guess who was flapping behind me? They make so much noise just flapping their wings. Such a nuisance. And to think I always used to stick up for them, especially when the kids I look after, chase after them and roar and do anything they can to scare them. Now I'll be routing the kids on, unless you stop disturbing me. #grumpywriterwheninterrupted
Oh and in Kate Bush news, it's less than 2 months till opening night and she's already been in an underwater tank for 3 days, and crew have said her voice is phenomenal. So the giddiness continues.
And in sports news, it's nice to have Wimbledon and the World Cup on at the same time, but sometimes it's just, what to watch angst. Come on Murray and any other Brits that may happen to be left. And as for the footy, well the only Flat 19 team that is left in the competition, rather shockingly, is Greece. (England and Italy out.) So I guess we'll be supporting them as far as they get, then we'll choose a new favourite.
And on writing news, I think I am emotionally stunted and have thus made my characters so. Either that or I chopped half the emotional bumpf out when I was editing. I was probably playing the strong northern woman role and decided that all the mushy sentimental emotional stuff was just padding. Hmmm. Now it seems I need to inject a lot of that back in. Which means another god damn edit. There've been so many. *wah*
But, I will do it, if not for myself, for Ebony. She deserves not to be emotionally stunted, though giving her upbringing, she's completely screwed up anyway. (Ebony is the protagonist of my novel and we've been through a lot together in the 6 years since I conceived her.) In the mean time I am attempting some flash fiction, which is super short, even shorter than a short story, normally around 500 words. Of course my first attempt was 683. But come on, a whole story in that many words, for me that's genius. Just look how long this blog is. I have also been working on my new picture book idea, trying to make this one a rhyming one. Difficult.
So there you go. I think you have been significantly updated with all things Rants. Enjoy your weekend, whatever you may be doing and enjoy the last days of June.
Rants
Friday, June 27, 2014
Friday, June 20, 2014
That World Cup Thing, Torture and Geoff.
It feels that a long time since I blogged. In fact it's over a fortnight. I think I had blog blockage. Eek. feeling rather backed up, so it might all come out in a explosion of rants.
Well, it's that World Cup thing, isn't it? You know, the hope, the despair. Wanting to believe we can do it, but knowing in the back of your mind that in actual fact it's unlikely to happen. But there's always a huge amount of pride to see them donning their England shirts, the three lions a-roaring and that expectation that we are small but mighty, and we can do it. Shame we rarely live up to that.
Man, I've missed that whole screaming at the TV thing though. I get so involved in the game. I'm screaming and hissing, and last night I was gunning for the ref. Some really shitty decisions, like that free kick against Gerrard, which if anything should have been a free kick to Gerrard. I was yelling, 'If they score from this I'm gonna hunt him down and dismember him.' I'm glad they didn't, I really wasn't in the mood for dismemberment. And don't get me started on the Uruguay captain who should've been off in the first half, jammy beggar. As my mum would say, the ref was wearing blue and white underpants. ( I hope you all get that.)
Now as for Rooney, I feel that people should stop tearing him apart. If you want someone to play well and reach his expectations, perhaps slagging him off and demoralising him at every turn may not be the best bet. They already have the weight of the nation on their shoulders, and then being a player like Rooney who plays so well in the Premiership but somehow never seems to realise that in the big tournaments for England, he's gonna be pretty darn stressed. I think he deserves some positive press after last night, and I don't just mean the goal. That second half he was in the mix, creating things, moving and almost made it two. Of course it's a shame he couldn't but I felt like his true grappling spirit came through. And let's face it, there are 10 other players on the pitch, so it can't all be his fault.
They are a young team and they do play well, but there was a lot of miscommunication last night. None of the confidence that we saw in the Italy match, which I was shocked at. I know you have to play with a bit of caution and leave the recklessness at home sometimes, but come on. This was also the only way of guaranteeing we were in with a chance of qualifying. Now we have to pray for Italy to win both matches and then we still have to win the last one with a hefty goal margin. Come on. I like to route for the underdog too, but I think this underdog is going under.
I love you England. You frustrate and you excite and you miss lots and lots of goals, but I love you and you make us proud just by getting to these major tournaments. People may not say it, but they think it. So many nations don't even make it to the World Cup finals, they enjoy a few qualifying defeats and are never seen again till the next one. But England bounce back every time and give us something to hope for. COME ON ENGLAND. Let's get a win in the last game, even if we don't qualify. Let's get some quality goals and have fun and show what we're made of. I feel a Stuart Pearce psycho face coming on. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
And now for something completely different. How psychotic are children? Oh yes, come on parents you know it as well as I do. They practice torturing toys. I don't know how I haven't really noticed this before, but when role playing with the little kid I pick up from school, I realised how he enjoys torturing his toys. Yes it's make believe but at some point, you kinda think....mmmmmm. So we were pretending to be different animals - as you do - and then a dinosaur came along to try and eat us. Now this dinosaur was of course T-rex and is a big sit on toy, that sometimes doubles up as a dragon. But today it was T-rex come to eat us. I wrestled it off us and pushed it away, but that wasn't enough. Little child grabs a fake sword and essentially beats the crap out of the dinosaur. You'd think that would be enough, but no. He then grabs the toy drill and with a laugh starts drilling the poor T-rex. I, at this point sat back on the couch having flash backs to all the torture/horror films I've watched - and there have been a lot.
Sometimes he gets a ribbon stick and pretends it's fire and he sets fire to everything or everyone depending on what we're playing. I find myself just playing along but actually it's quite interesting from a psychology point of view. Just what is going on up there? Anyhoo, I just wanted to share that as I thought it was mildly frightening/hilarious. When he starts pulling teeth, I'm out of there.
So, you know that feeling when you order a dress online - sorry boys I've alienated you - and it doesn't fit because you're too wide? Am so annoyed. I'm mostly a size 10, occasionally size 8 but when a 10 won't zip up around the old rib cage I get a slight anger. I can't really diminish my rib cage and I won't go a size up as the rest of it won't fit properly. Not fair! I'll never be delicate. I know this. I made my peace a long time ago, but seriously, sometimes I wish I wasn't so god damn wide for my size. Stupid broad shoulders and big bones.
Okay, enough girly nonsense, it's a free return and I get a refund, so all is not lost. And besides I started working on a new picture book yesterday, which is very exciting. Lots of creases to iron out, but there is definitely something there and I love my main character: A dragon named Geoff. Oh yes. Geoff. Love it! Oh by the way, there will be no torture scenes in this book, by fire, drill or sword. But there may be the odd hair ball. Intrigued? Me too.
I think I've garbled on long enough.
Come on Italy! Help us out!
Rants
Well, it's that World Cup thing, isn't it? You know, the hope, the despair. Wanting to believe we can do it, but knowing in the back of your mind that in actual fact it's unlikely to happen. But there's always a huge amount of pride to see them donning their England shirts, the three lions a-roaring and that expectation that we are small but mighty, and we can do it. Shame we rarely live up to that.
Man, I've missed that whole screaming at the TV thing though. I get so involved in the game. I'm screaming and hissing, and last night I was gunning for the ref. Some really shitty decisions, like that free kick against Gerrard, which if anything should have been a free kick to Gerrard. I was yelling, 'If they score from this I'm gonna hunt him down and dismember him.' I'm glad they didn't, I really wasn't in the mood for dismemberment. And don't get me started on the Uruguay captain who should've been off in the first half, jammy beggar. As my mum would say, the ref was wearing blue and white underpants. ( I hope you all get that.)
Now as for Rooney, I feel that people should stop tearing him apart. If you want someone to play well and reach his expectations, perhaps slagging him off and demoralising him at every turn may not be the best bet. They already have the weight of the nation on their shoulders, and then being a player like Rooney who plays so well in the Premiership but somehow never seems to realise that in the big tournaments for England, he's gonna be pretty darn stressed. I think he deserves some positive press after last night, and I don't just mean the goal. That second half he was in the mix, creating things, moving and almost made it two. Of course it's a shame he couldn't but I felt like his true grappling spirit came through. And let's face it, there are 10 other players on the pitch, so it can't all be his fault.
They are a young team and they do play well, but there was a lot of miscommunication last night. None of the confidence that we saw in the Italy match, which I was shocked at. I know you have to play with a bit of caution and leave the recklessness at home sometimes, but come on. This was also the only way of guaranteeing we were in with a chance of qualifying. Now we have to pray for Italy to win both matches and then we still have to win the last one with a hefty goal margin. Come on. I like to route for the underdog too, but I think this underdog is going under.
I love you England. You frustrate and you excite and you miss lots and lots of goals, but I love you and you make us proud just by getting to these major tournaments. People may not say it, but they think it. So many nations don't even make it to the World Cup finals, they enjoy a few qualifying defeats and are never seen again till the next one. But England bounce back every time and give us something to hope for. COME ON ENGLAND. Let's get a win in the last game, even if we don't qualify. Let's get some quality goals and have fun and show what we're made of. I feel a Stuart Pearce psycho face coming on. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
And now for something completely different. How psychotic are children? Oh yes, come on parents you know it as well as I do. They practice torturing toys. I don't know how I haven't really noticed this before, but when role playing with the little kid I pick up from school, I realised how he enjoys torturing his toys. Yes it's make believe but at some point, you kinda think....mmmmmm. So we were pretending to be different animals - as you do - and then a dinosaur came along to try and eat us. Now this dinosaur was of course T-rex and is a big sit on toy, that sometimes doubles up as a dragon. But today it was T-rex come to eat us. I wrestled it off us and pushed it away, but that wasn't enough. Little child grabs a fake sword and essentially beats the crap out of the dinosaur. You'd think that would be enough, but no. He then grabs the toy drill and with a laugh starts drilling the poor T-rex. I, at this point sat back on the couch having flash backs to all the torture/horror films I've watched - and there have been a lot.
Sometimes he gets a ribbon stick and pretends it's fire and he sets fire to everything or everyone depending on what we're playing. I find myself just playing along but actually it's quite interesting from a psychology point of view. Just what is going on up there? Anyhoo, I just wanted to share that as I thought it was mildly frightening/hilarious. When he starts pulling teeth, I'm out of there.
So, you know that feeling when you order a dress online - sorry boys I've alienated you - and it doesn't fit because you're too wide? Am so annoyed. I'm mostly a size 10, occasionally size 8 but when a 10 won't zip up around the old rib cage I get a slight anger. I can't really diminish my rib cage and I won't go a size up as the rest of it won't fit properly. Not fair! I'll never be delicate. I know this. I made my peace a long time ago, but seriously, sometimes I wish I wasn't so god damn wide for my size. Stupid broad shoulders and big bones.
Okay, enough girly nonsense, it's a free return and I get a refund, so all is not lost. And besides I started working on a new picture book yesterday, which is very exciting. Lots of creases to iron out, but there is definitely something there and I love my main character: A dragon named Geoff. Oh yes. Geoff. Love it! Oh by the way, there will be no torture scenes in this book, by fire, drill or sword. But there may be the odd hair ball. Intrigued? Me too.
I think I've garbled on long enough.
Come on Italy! Help us out!
Rants
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
2.28am
When it's 2.28am on a Monday in June and there's no bank holiday or celebration to be had, a text message at that time can mean only one thing.......Okay it can mean several things:
Someone is dead or in the hospital.
A friend is drunk and wants to tell you about it.
Or. Google has detected a suspicious log in on your account.
Yes I was just as surprised as you are, but also rather touched. How sweet of them to know it wasn't me.
Of course I was too knackered to get up and sort it out at 2.28am, but then it was on my mind the rest of the night and I had some rather messed up dreams.
Still, the first thing I did when I woke up was to log on and see what was going on. This thick red bar came up at the top of the screen saying: We stopped a log in attempt. Wow! I felt all important.
I checked my email and sure enough I had one from around 2.28am entitled: Suspicious sign in prevented. Go Google.
Someone is dead or in the hospital.
A friend is drunk and wants to tell you about it.
Or. Google has detected a suspicious log in on your account.
Yes I was just as surprised as you are, but also rather touched. How sweet of them to know it wasn't me.
Of course I was too knackered to get up and sort it out at 2.28am, but then it was on my mind the rest of the night and I had some rather messed up dreams.
Still, the first thing I did when I woke up was to log on and see what was going on. This thick red bar came up at the top of the screen saying: We stopped a log in attempt. Wow! I felt all important.
I checked my email and sure enough I had one from around 2.28am entitled: Suspicious sign in prevented. Go Google.
| Hi Helen, Someone recently used your password to try to sign in to your Google Account. We prevented the sign-in attempt in case this was a hijacker trying to access your account. Please review the details of the sign-in attempt:
If you do not recognize this sign-in attempt, someone else might be trying to access your account. You should sign in to your account and reset your password immediately. |
I guess it wasn't too difficult to guess that I wasn't in Nagoya, Aichi, Japan. But I thank them very much all the same. Nice to know someone's looking out for you while you sleep.
I changed the password as soon as I got up and quite frankly, in your face stupid hacker person from Japan. Though what they could possibly achieve by hijacking my account I'll never know or understand.
And so, moving on. I have finally joined the 21st Century - long overdue - with Internet banking. Or as I like to think of it: Lazy banking. Now when I need to check if a payment has gone through, I won't be taking a cheeky little jaunt to Kentish Town, not only exercising, but inevitably nipping into the library and coming out with a raft of books. Instead, I'll be sat in the comfort of my couch, probably with a drink and a biscuit. I can feel my ass expanding already. Ha ha. But in all honesty, it will be good for my sanity and the fact that banks are open shitty hours, especially the tiny branches. And I'm sure I'll still make lots of excuses to jaunt out and visit the library. It really doesn't take much.
Now to the most bizarre discovery of all: You can actually develop girl genes, even after 30 years of lacking them. Yes, it's true, though on Friday night it wasn't apparent, when I was attempting to put my hair up as a practise for the wedding on the Saturday. Nothing went right. I'd been out to buy hair products, as of course I previously didn't own any. I came back with a heat protection spray, a light hold hairspray and a super this-hair-ain't-going-anywhere hairspray. But they do not make a hairstyle. Girl genes and hand dexterity do. I have little to none of either.
Using good old Google searches and YouTube videos, I failed my way through various 'simple' updos that were supposed to take minutes and I couldn't even perform the first step. At one point I actually broke down and said, 'I don't have any girl genes. I can't do anything. I have no girl genes.' I mean, I wasn't broken down enough to be crying about it. I was simply stating a fact with a feeling of loss - though really I can't feel loss for something I never had - and eventually laughter. You should always be able to laugh at yourself, even in the most dire circumstances. A even offered to help, bless him. But at this stage it was all out war with myself. If I couldn't do it, fine. But I couldn't have anyone helping me. If I had to fail, I had to fail by myself.
I realised that the YouTube videos were slightly better than just the photo step-by-step guides, because you see the movements and realise which was to twist and stuff. So I started trawling through a few. I attempted one but my hair was too thin and it just didn't have anywhere near the same effect. Then I stumbled upon a real gem. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVxXr_mh5BM Thank you to Cinthia Truong for enabling me to grow a couple of girl genes. But please don't all start doing this style, as it's the only one I can do.
It's so much easier when you're a bridesmaid and you have someone doing your hair and make-up for you. Man it was all DIY at this wedding and I somehow managed to pull it off.
So I now own hair products, have the ability to do one updo, and have applied my own foundation. This really was an increase in girl genes. I think I now have five: these three along with shoes and handbags. I love shoes and handbags.
Thanks for reading you lovely people.
Enjoy the manky weather.
Rants
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Professional Ranter
Okay, so A said I shouldn't rant about this because I'm a professional, but I feel that's exactly why I do have to rant about it. I'm a professional ranter!
So to clue you all in, the new term for one of the schools where I teach restarts next week and I've been chasing up parents to see if they are still partaking of the old music classes. Well, I've had lots of replies and they are all very nice and what not, and then I get one that makes me want to scream.
Okay, so I'm not going to include the whole email in here, just snippets of the most enraging bits. So they start off all nice, thanking me for the emails and stuff and saying that they enjoy the class. Then I get the first question which still baffles me now.
"Is there a reason why your classes focuses on unusual instruments kids are unlikely to encounter in their daily lives."
Okay, let's break it down. I teach 18 months to 5 years. What instruments are they likely to encounter in their daily lives? And what is unusual about shakers, tambourines, triangles, cymbals and Guiros?
They follow up with this gem:
"I wondered if there would be as much or more benefit and enjoyment hearing instruments like the flute, glockenspiel, the recorder, the clarinet, drums and the regular percussion instruments."
Okay. I say again, they are all under 5. How much money do they think I have? I have to carry everything myself. And what the hell is a 'regular' percussion instrument? Besides, you can't just presume every music teacher - especially one working with Early Years - plays a clarinet or a flute. They are lucky - or not so lucky - in that I do own and play a flute, albeit very badly, and I also own a glockenspiel which I will take in when I teach them about pitch. But really, you can't just presume a self-employed music teacher has access to these kinds of instruments and/or the money to buy them. Besides, I want to introduce the children to instruments they can play themselves, rather than having to sit and listen to me play. Because where is the benefit in that?
Next:
"It would be great to have the children be able to listen to music they hear at home and perhaps consciously or subconsciously start to pick out instruments they can hear in that music or better still ignite an interest in a particular instrument from an young age?"
Erm, I'm not there to teach them an instrument. If you want a private lesson, it's a lot more than you're paying me for this. I don't know what they want from me. I have a class of 9 kids that their child is in, and the ages range from 2 and a half to 4 and a half. I am there to get them involved and to get them excited about music, to maybe in the future learn an instrument, but come on. I do enough for my pay per session, including weekly emails after the lessons and progress reports and certificates. Not many extra curricular activities do that. And I've just had badges made up for when they leave for big school. And also, what music are they likely to hear at home? I play them music from all over the world and classical stuff too. But I'm not playing bob the freakin' builder or anything like that.
Then I get the ultimate slap in the face:
"Can rhythm and timing also be taught using well known instruments such as a miniature glockenspiel (easy to transport), the triangle, tambourine etc?"
If they had read any of the emails I sent them, they would know that the triangle and tambourines have already been used. They would also know that we have been working with the metronome - beautifully named Melvin - to keep a steady beat and to explore changing speeds. *Bashing my head against a brick wall*
They finish with:
"Just a thought.."
Really? Well it was a very lengthy thought and quite ridiculous for the most part. And it made me feel as if my weekly emails have been ignored. I literally don't know what more I can do, but I can tell you right now, I will not be bringing in my flute, that really will put them off music, for life.
There's always one and it always annoys to buggery. What's even more irritating is the fact that this particular child has very little language but was able to say 'Guiro' by the end of the term. An achievement and an unusual percussion instrument......And he loves me to bits. I get hugs and kisses every week. He sits next to me every class and he calls me Mummy. Don't worry, I didn't put that in the return email.
Annoyed and hungry. Bad combination.
That's all for now.
Rants
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Longest Sentence?
Have you ever had one of those days when.......
It's 9.45am, you've got a deodorant mark on your top, but it's too hot to keep your cardigan on, you've just left the EE shop with your malfunctioning SIM card, still malfunctioning because they don't have any Orange pay as you go SIM cards left, and you can't even call or text anyone to vent that anger and annoyance due to the malfunctioning SIM, and you just found out one of your parents have swindled 6 free music lessons out of you by denying that they wanted their daughter to keep the lessons going, despite 7 or 8 emails direct to them enquiring about fees but also giving weekly updates of the lessons, and you want to cry but you're out in public and you know you're supposed to go and buy food for lunch but all you want to do is go straight home and continue reading American Psycho, but you know you really should be doing some writing?
Welcome to my Thursday.
Rants
It's 9.45am, you've got a deodorant mark on your top, but it's too hot to keep your cardigan on, you've just left the EE shop with your malfunctioning SIM card, still malfunctioning because they don't have any Orange pay as you go SIM cards left, and you can't even call or text anyone to vent that anger and annoyance due to the malfunctioning SIM, and you just found out one of your parents have swindled 6 free music lessons out of you by denying that they wanted their daughter to keep the lessons going, despite 7 or 8 emails direct to them enquiring about fees but also giving weekly updates of the lessons, and you want to cry but you're out in public and you know you're supposed to go and buy food for lunch but all you want to do is go straight home and continue reading American Psycho, but you know you really should be doing some writing?
Welcome to my Thursday.
Rants
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Dealing With Rejection, Flies, A Dodgy Fly, Fees And Cheek.
Today's blog is all about dealing with stuff, everything from your regular taunting flies to people that haven't paid you, to failing once more at your chosen path. So it's gonna be a regular cheer fest.
Tauting Flies
Come on, you know the type. They're the type that zoom in through your open window/balcony door, which you can finally open due to the soaring temperatures and thunder storm-type pressure, and then have a deep refusal to leave. They enjoy the repeated loop of bedroom, bathroom, living room, kitchen, and back again. And no amount of coaxing will lure them out. They are the type that actually fly towards you on purpose, buzzing nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, with their teeny tongues out. Massive disrespect! And they are the type that outrun every implement used in the attempt to flatten them. Even when shown the door or window, they resist the charms of the open air and continue to fly around your head.
Perhaps they just want to be a pet. Maybe they enjoy taunting humans. But one thing's for sure, they will come to a particularly squished end if they don't get the fook out. Yesterday, Mr Taunt himself eventually took the hint after A chased him with a few things and I coaxed him with my voice and persuasive movements of the curtains. But he'll be back, I have no doubt and maybe this time he'll bring his friends......
Open Fly
Now to a very different type of fly, the fly on my jeans which keeps unzipping itself. I did think at first that I had forgotten to fasten it, but I've realised that, no, it actually has a mind of its own and it is increasingly trying to embarrass me. Another taunting fly. Hmmmm. Every few hours or maybe less, it works its way free and I'm not sure how, but it's always roughly 20 minutes after I've checked it's closed and then the next time I check, it's open. But that's usually after I've been on a bus, or train, you know somewhere crowded with people.
Stop it fly! I live in a world of three pairs of jeans, I can't have one malfunctioning on me. Just stop it!
Fees
Keeping it F, let's move onto fees. If you don't know, I am a mobile music teacher for early years, so I travel around on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday to different schools and private homes to teach. I am also self employed and thus have to organise and chase up payments myself. Oh yeah, and one more thing, I am soft!
So, I was thinking about fees owed and I just started quickly cobbling together a figure, and at first I worked out almost £200 and I thought, bloody hell that's a lot. Then I realised I'd missed off some and then I realised I'd missed off some more and then the grand total was £348. That's what I'm owed in fees. Now to some people that's back pocket change, but to me that is my half of the rent/bills for the month; it's not much less than the flights we just bought to Chicago and back; and it's also a lot of food, presents, holiday spends and travel around London.
Needless to say, the emails have gone out and I am expecting at least some payments today and then others spread throughout the next week. But one thing I also forgot to mention was the fact that this is the 6th week of the term. The 6th week! Still, once the payments come in, it will be time for payments from my other school whose terms are all askew from the others and so for a few weeks at least, I'll feel like I'm loaded.
Rejection
Go on, I'll slip the most depressive one in now, rather than finish on a low note, especially as my low range - vocally - is weak beyond a point. Anyhoo, I've made two submissions in the last week, which is something I've been building towards for the last year and a half really. I was glad to get it out there again and of course - the ultimate pessimist - I expected rejection.
When it came in the form of an email - somehow worse than the more traditional, and when I say traditional I mean old fashioned, letter of rejection. I don't know, there's something vaguely more comforting from paper in your hand, rather than an email that will linger in your inbox, grinning at you every time you log in - I actually thought it was a rejection from the agent I had sent it to 50 minutes ago. It wasn't in fact, it was from the agent I submitted to a week ago, which made it slightly better. But who am I kidding, nothing makes it better.
There is a way of dealing with rejection, or at least 5 stages of dealing. Mine go like this:
1. Initial reaction. Ah well, I knew it would be rejection. Laugh it off electronically with a few ha has. Get people to share in the pain, though of course I'm pretending there is no pain.
2. Think about it for the rest of the day, non stop, until eventually you're thinking you'll never be published because you can't even get an agent. Your writing is pants, you shouldn't even bother. (I think you can see where I'm going here.)
3. Then you have the hope of the other submission you sent, though of course in the back of your mind you know that will only end the same way this one did.
4. If you see friends or have a partner, you tend to go a bit pathetic and start asking if they still love you, due to being a failed author. (I never do this....honest.) Then you ask them if they'll still love you if you never get an agent. Don't worry, this bit is probably the shortest stage, or it is for me, I can't stand all that soppy stuff.
5. Then somewhere along the line - this could be hours, days, months, years - the fighter in you surfaces. And you think, well who the hell are they to make me feel this small? And the determination soars through you and you start to work on the book again, and you start working towards another submission and maybe even another book.
I think I'm already at 5, though of course still hovering back to 3 until I hear back. Another lovely email to sit in the box and taunt me. What is it with taunting in this blog? An unintentional theme. Now I know you think I could just delete said emails, but actually I prefer to keep them. Somehow seeing that repeatedly, beats number 5 into you even harder. I know, it's sort of sadistic isn't it. But it gives you somewhere to focus that anger and doubt, leaving you free to write, amend and happily plot the next submission.
The Cheek of 6 Years Old Boys
So I'm teaching my private music class yesterday, to a six year old boy who I've known 4 years already. We go way back. But he has the cheek to say to me that 'Voice is not an instrument.' Err, excuse me.
I hit back with a tasty: 'Well it better be because that's what my Masters is in, vocal performance.' Which of course confused him a little. 'What a Masters? Who is your Master?' I said, 'I'm my own master.' He he. I quite like that as a comeback.
But then of course we got into an argument over voice as an instrument. I mean, he can read my friggin' dissertations if he'd like. And I wouldn't mind, but he's been having music classes with me for about 2 and a half years and I've always taught the kids that voice is their most important instrument because they all have one and it's a part of them and completely unique and special.
Well, me thinks he's going to get a crash course in voice as an instrument, big time! And eventually he will come round, or there is going to be a severe falling out.
Voice not an instrument. Ha! Who does he think he is?
Well that's all for today - thank god, you sigh. I'll be back with more rants when they hit me. Cheers.
Rants
Tauting Flies
Come on, you know the type. They're the type that zoom in through your open window/balcony door, which you can finally open due to the soaring temperatures and thunder storm-type pressure, and then have a deep refusal to leave. They enjoy the repeated loop of bedroom, bathroom, living room, kitchen, and back again. And no amount of coaxing will lure them out. They are the type that actually fly towards you on purpose, buzzing nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, with their teeny tongues out. Massive disrespect! And they are the type that outrun every implement used in the attempt to flatten them. Even when shown the door or window, they resist the charms of the open air and continue to fly around your head.
Perhaps they just want to be a pet. Maybe they enjoy taunting humans. But one thing's for sure, they will come to a particularly squished end if they don't get the fook out. Yesterday, Mr Taunt himself eventually took the hint after A chased him with a few things and I coaxed him with my voice and persuasive movements of the curtains. But he'll be back, I have no doubt and maybe this time he'll bring his friends......
Open Fly
Now to a very different type of fly, the fly on my jeans which keeps unzipping itself. I did think at first that I had forgotten to fasten it, but I've realised that, no, it actually has a mind of its own and it is increasingly trying to embarrass me. Another taunting fly. Hmmmm. Every few hours or maybe less, it works its way free and I'm not sure how, but it's always roughly 20 minutes after I've checked it's closed and then the next time I check, it's open. But that's usually after I've been on a bus, or train, you know somewhere crowded with people.
Stop it fly! I live in a world of three pairs of jeans, I can't have one malfunctioning on me. Just stop it!
Fees
Keeping it F, let's move onto fees. If you don't know, I am a mobile music teacher for early years, so I travel around on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday to different schools and private homes to teach. I am also self employed and thus have to organise and chase up payments myself. Oh yeah, and one more thing, I am soft!
So, I was thinking about fees owed and I just started quickly cobbling together a figure, and at first I worked out almost £200 and I thought, bloody hell that's a lot. Then I realised I'd missed off some and then I realised I'd missed off some more and then the grand total was £348. That's what I'm owed in fees. Now to some people that's back pocket change, but to me that is my half of the rent/bills for the month; it's not much less than the flights we just bought to Chicago and back; and it's also a lot of food, presents, holiday spends and travel around London.
Needless to say, the emails have gone out and I am expecting at least some payments today and then others spread throughout the next week. But one thing I also forgot to mention was the fact that this is the 6th week of the term. The 6th week! Still, once the payments come in, it will be time for payments from my other school whose terms are all askew from the others and so for a few weeks at least, I'll feel like I'm loaded.
Rejection
Go on, I'll slip the most depressive one in now, rather than finish on a low note, especially as my low range - vocally - is weak beyond a point. Anyhoo, I've made two submissions in the last week, which is something I've been building towards for the last year and a half really. I was glad to get it out there again and of course - the ultimate pessimist - I expected rejection.
When it came in the form of an email - somehow worse than the more traditional, and when I say traditional I mean old fashioned, letter of rejection. I don't know, there's something vaguely more comforting from paper in your hand, rather than an email that will linger in your inbox, grinning at you every time you log in - I actually thought it was a rejection from the agent I had sent it to 50 minutes ago. It wasn't in fact, it was from the agent I submitted to a week ago, which made it slightly better. But who am I kidding, nothing makes it better.
There is a way of dealing with rejection, or at least 5 stages of dealing. Mine go like this:
1. Initial reaction. Ah well, I knew it would be rejection. Laugh it off electronically with a few ha has. Get people to share in the pain, though of course I'm pretending there is no pain.
2. Think about it for the rest of the day, non stop, until eventually you're thinking you'll never be published because you can't even get an agent. Your writing is pants, you shouldn't even bother. (I think you can see where I'm going here.)
3. Then you have the hope of the other submission you sent, though of course in the back of your mind you know that will only end the same way this one did.
4. If you see friends or have a partner, you tend to go a bit pathetic and start asking if they still love you, due to being a failed author. (I never do this....honest.) Then you ask them if they'll still love you if you never get an agent. Don't worry, this bit is probably the shortest stage, or it is for me, I can't stand all that soppy stuff.
5. Then somewhere along the line - this could be hours, days, months, years - the fighter in you surfaces. And you think, well who the hell are they to make me feel this small? And the determination soars through you and you start to work on the book again, and you start working towards another submission and maybe even another book.
I think I'm already at 5, though of course still hovering back to 3 until I hear back. Another lovely email to sit in the box and taunt me. What is it with taunting in this blog? An unintentional theme. Now I know you think I could just delete said emails, but actually I prefer to keep them. Somehow seeing that repeatedly, beats number 5 into you even harder. I know, it's sort of sadistic isn't it. But it gives you somewhere to focus that anger and doubt, leaving you free to write, amend and happily plot the next submission.
The Cheek of 6 Years Old Boys
So I'm teaching my private music class yesterday, to a six year old boy who I've known 4 years already. We go way back. But he has the cheek to say to me that 'Voice is not an instrument.' Err, excuse me.
I hit back with a tasty: 'Well it better be because that's what my Masters is in, vocal performance.' Which of course confused him a little. 'What a Masters? Who is your Master?' I said, 'I'm my own master.' He he. I quite like that as a comeback.
But then of course we got into an argument over voice as an instrument. I mean, he can read my friggin' dissertations if he'd like. And I wouldn't mind, but he's been having music classes with me for about 2 and a half years and I've always taught the kids that voice is their most important instrument because they all have one and it's a part of them and completely unique and special.
Well, me thinks he's going to get a crash course in voice as an instrument, big time! And eventually he will come round, or there is going to be a severe falling out.
Voice not an instrument. Ha! Who does he think he is?
Well that's all for today - thank god, you sigh. I'll be back with more rants when they hit me. Cheers.
Rants
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Eurovision 2014
Well, here it is at last. I've made you wait and I didn't even get to see the scoring myself. But here it is: Rants on Eurovision 2014.
Just so you know, I am writing this on a 6 hour train from Glasgow to London, after taking a 9 hour overnight bus to Glasgow and running the Bupa Women's 10km. Please forgive me if it's not my best work.
So we started off with a little film of the jumpy men taking lots of different modes of transport in order to reach the venue. Then we are treated to some flag acrobatics, with leaping and waving and weirdness.
Now I actually quite liked the walk on announcement thing, where they read out each act in the order they were performing, it allowed you to sift through and pick out the twats and morons. And the ice queens and She-ra. Plus there's nothing like a bit of Eurovision time wasting and prolonging.
I was just thinking to myself earlier in the day, wouldn't it be amazing if the lady from Borgen was presenting. Not that they would get a statesminister to do that, but still it would've been cool. And then who walks out? Kasper from Borgen, - Whoop! - a twiglet wearing a dress, and a lanky dude with glasses.
So without further ado, let's delve into the 26 acts.
Ukraine - Tick Tock.
Shoulda been called Hamster Wheel, surely? What made me laugh more was that A was sat at the side of me saying, "Oh, I didn't know you could get one of those. How cool would that be to run on if you had one in your house." Really? I thought it just made her look like some crazy dominatrix that was clearly in charge of her man. You get on that wheel and spin it, until I say you can stop. Evil woman.
She used the stroking your own boob move. A classic.
I have to say I was more intrigued by the hamster man and his moves than her shitty voice.
That was one violent wind machine, it practically blew her dress away.
When she got on the outside of the wheel towards the latter half of the song, I couldn't help but think: 'Go on, let go of the wheel. Make her fall off. Please.'
Belarus - Cheesecake
All those men appeared from one person. Freaky.
Manhattan skyline in lights.
Dad dancing, to the extreme!
I wish I had some cheesecake to throw at them.
They're not even trying. The choreographer should be shot, though to be fair so should the lyricist and any other writers that created this monstrosity.
And slide to the side. Step forward, step back.
Oh no, did he really do a fake kick the camera thing. Oh dear.
Azerbijan - Start a Fire
Well if she had - started a fire - it would have been much less dull.
The fake skin dress? Really? Closet ice dancer?
What a pointless trapeze artist. It would have been so much better if they collided, again, much less dull.
She really attempted to make it epic, but what she didn't take into account was her abundance of shitty notes and the fact that the audience had no clue what the song was about and didn't give a shit either.
Iceland - No Prejudice
LOVE!
Love the colours, the lyrics, everything.
Love the backing vocalists in their onesies.
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb etc.
Dance routine as well. Fuck, this is gold!
WINNER (in my eyes).
Norway - Silent Storm
I wish it had been a silent storm, then I wouldn't have had to sit through that.
There was nothing going on behind his eyes.
BORING!
He really doesn't look like he wants to be there.
And I feel the song would have sounded better if sung by a woman.
Romania - Miracle
That's some receding hairline..
She looks like a cardboard cut-out. Oh, she sort of was, or some weird projection, as she then appeared at the other end of the stage. Creepy.
She's got a hand and arm dance routine, but he hasn't got a clue what he's attempting to play on the circular piano. What a twat.
Key change.
I have to say the chorus was pretty catchy and they were committed, or should that be rephrased to say, they should be committed? It's a fine line.
Armenia - Not Alone
'You're all alone.' Yeah, so what, look at you on the stage all alone, loser.
Another boring fuckin' ballad. Blah, blah, blah.
Boring costume, boring song, boring voice, boring staging, boring performance.
Are they the only words he knows in English?
Tried to make it interesting by shouting and the addition of fire. Still didn't help.
Montenegro - Moj Svijet
Ice skating lady, does that imply he's gonna slip? He's only got normal shoes on.
Pan out to find the ice skating lady asleep on the floor. I know how she feels.
Then she gets up and there's fire later. End of.
Poland - We are Slavic
This is so offensive. I'm not sure what is happening.
How many Polish people are wishing they weren't Polish right now? Just have a guess.
Sort of weird, screamy, rap thing.
Sluts are us, but it's alright: "This is our hot Slavic blood." Right.
Oh dear, the porno milk maids/butter churners are obscene.
Greece - Rise Up
Yeah, yeah, uh, come on, yeah.
It's embarrassing really.
Rise, rise, rise up etc, Just keep repeating the phrase, that'll win it for you.
Youth. I just don't get it.
Unnecessary trampolining, it's turned into a kids party.
Austria - Rise like a Pheonix
Drag act. Bearded lady/man.
Like it. Good voice, nice dress, nice staging, but the beard did freak me out a little bit. Sorry.
Incredible voice!
It's a bit Shirley Bassey.
Inevitable winner.
Germany - Is it right?
Well no, it's quite clearly not, is it?
And I think that's all we need to say about that.
Interlude. Erm, why did they stop after 12? There are 26 acts, surely it makes more sense to stop half way through at 13? No?
Lots of pricks in the audience tonight! Say what, Graham? I genuinely thought that's what he said. But it was actually, "Lots of Brits in the audience tonight." Eh, potato, potata.
I loved the shots of the audience as well, they were all completely wankered. They had no idea which act they were watching.
Resuming........
Sweden - Undo
She is in a tee pee of lights. I think she's been taken hostage, it's like some sort of prison. It's an illuminated prison. She'll be electrocuted if she tries to get out.
Or maybe not......
Oh, she's back in.
She can sing, though I hate that undo vocal lick she does. Deranged duck?
France - Moustache
Dr Suess haircuts and some 90's Bermuda shorts. I feel violated.
'I wanna have a moustache.' Well chop some of that hair off your head and stick it on, you've got plenty.
It's the Wiggles on speed.
Russia - Shine
See-saw. Holding a tube of perspex and joined by hair. I've always said twins are weird.
It's very abba.
Weeeeeee! You know they're dying to say, weeeeeeeeeeee! as they slowly move the see saw.
They had good voices and sang well, but it was a bit, meh.
Italy - La Mia Citta
She-ra. It's fuckin' She-ra. Man she's aged, and not in a good way. Where's He-man?
She's going for a along walk in those heels? Man that stage is large.
Now she's crawling on her hands and knees, giving more knicker sighting opportunities.
She did a lot of shouting. I feel like I should be in the naughty corner.
Slovenia - Round and Round
There's no way she's playing that flute.
Wicked Witch of the West? With a flute instead of a Broomstick? Wicked flashbacks. Oh god no!
That floor would seriously mess with your head.
Pointless flute interludes. She just wanted everyone to know she plays a flute. Okay, we get it.
Finland - Something Better
Quite like it. Sounds like something that would be in the UK charts, you know, like a normal song that could actually exist beyond the twisted insanity of Eurovision.
Like his voice, though I know it sounds like lots of other songs. Still, they're all playing their own instruments. Nice!
Spain - Dancing in the Rain
Get her an umbrella or a mac or something. She'll catch her death out there.
Her teeth scare me.
The chorus is shite!
Well, it didn't take long to get her hair done. Just wet it, it'll look like it's really raining.
Yeah I can see why you only came fifth in the X-factor.
The only lyrics are Dancing in the Rain, which coincidentally is the title of the song. Clever that isn't it.
Switzerland - Hunter of Stars
Now if that's not a book title, I don't know what is. Mine! I claimed it.
Creepy whistler.
Would you buy a used car from any of these men?
The banjo guy has an insane beard/moustache combo.
What a bunch of hillbillies.
"Tonight I'm gonna eat you up." Cannibals! Ahhhh! Run!
"Roar like a lion." "I am so wet and dirty."
I'm not sure where he's going with this..........
Beating the shit out of those drums. careful, you'll put someone's eye out.
Hungary - Running
He doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who would wear a cardigan.
Those are some bushy eyebrows.
Oh, I get it, he ran on stage and the song's called Running. Man that's some clever symbolism.
It's a bit serious subject matter for Eurovision. Presumably the woman is trying to escape the abusive dance partner/daddy figure. Let her go for fuck's sake.
Malta - Coming Home
It's all a bit wholesome and nice.
I'm not sure what this is, but I don't think they do either. Still, at least they're all smiling.
Denmark - Ciche Love Song
I wanna punch him in the face.
The dancer guy has weird legs that flip around everywhere, independent of the rest of his body.
I can't deal with this.
What is it with tuxes this Eurovision? Though he needs to get some trousers that fit.
There's a lot of hair on that stage.
The Netherlands - Calm After the Storm
Cute. The outfits, the staging, their voices. I like it.
Feels a tad out of place, but a real stand alone song. Sweet.
San Marino - Maybe
May-be. It's all one word love.
Aww bless her, she's really trying. And she can sing. It's just not very interesting.
Oh no, now she's talking at me, and now she's gone all musical theatre on me.
United Kingdom - Children of the Universe
I'd never heard this before. But go Molly.
Eek, I hope this gets better.
She's got a lovely voice but that first bit was too low.
Lovin' the drummer and the backing vocalists are awesome.
That was pretty good, well done UK.
Yeah, back to skinny, wooden woman. I'm scared of her arms, they're like Madonnas.
Awww, I can't believe they actually thanked Graham and completely embarrassed him. He was proper flummoxed.
Now I didn't get to see a great deal of the middle bit or the scoring, due to a pressing urge to take a long overnight coach journey to Glasgow for a 10km run. So it's probably best I leave it there. I hope you enjoyed Eurovision. It really is a feast for the eyes and ears. *cough cough*
But as a special treat, I will leave you with some bonus material: a review of 7 acts that didn't get into the Grand Final. Check them out on youtube, there are some absolute stinkers.
The Best of the Worst:
Portugal
Man or woman?
You're not an ice dancer, so why are you wearing the fake skin dress, which coincidentally does nothing for you. Nothing about this works. A was conviced; Transvestite.
Lithuania
Trying to be a bit metal/alternative and wearing a PVC Tutu thing. Looks like they'd just taken a trip to Cyberdog.
Completely irrelevant dancer who kept sticking his hands, and all sorts of body parts, between her legs.
Belgium
Mummy issues.
Fat dude with girl voice.
Boring and possibly disturbing......though the irrelevant dancer in the background almost made me wet myself.
Psychologists may want to study the lyrics of this one. Jeez.
Moldova
Vikings/Game of Thrones/Horizontal man. Another very low song for a woman.
Don't mess with her, she will gut you.
Let's face it, she's no Daenerys. (GOT reference.)
I've noticed how much they pull a Katy Perry - theatrics to distract from the awful song/lyrics.
I pull my bobble out for the last chorus. Don't miss that.
Latvia
It's actually called Cake to Bake.
Two guys with guitars who just want to be your friends.
Now there are four and they have shakers and there's a chubby lass wearing a stripy dress.
We're all jolly and nice and colourful.
"We've got a cake to bake. I got no clue at all." Clearly not.
Oh my god, it's a musical recipe for retards.
Watch out for the genius backing vocals: Piece of cake.
(Apologies for the R word, I don't like it anymore than you do, but if you see this performance, you'll understand why there was no other possible word to describe it.)
Estonia
Lying on the floor holding hands. You can see my knickers if you like?
"Do you hear me screaming?" Yes, unfortunately, we all do.
More about their ability to dance than anything else. You'll yawn through this one.
Albania
Constipated expression.
A said: "A fat Lilly Allen who sings like Shakira."
Constricted. Everything vocal is happening in a tiny space.
Leanne Rhimes flashback. Late 90s/early 00s female ballads.
Guitar solo in an attempt to claim cool points. Failed.
A weird looking Christina Ricci?
Okay, so that was your bonus material. Ha ha. Hope you enjoyed this year's coverage. Better late than never, I'm hoping. I have no idea of the scoring, other than the bearded lady won, of course.
Thanks for reading. Until next year's Eurovision.........
Rants
Just so you know, I am writing this on a 6 hour train from Glasgow to London, after taking a 9 hour overnight bus to Glasgow and running the Bupa Women's 10km. Please forgive me if it's not my best work.
So we started off with a little film of the jumpy men taking lots of different modes of transport in order to reach the venue. Then we are treated to some flag acrobatics, with leaping and waving and weirdness.
Now I actually quite liked the walk on announcement thing, where they read out each act in the order they were performing, it allowed you to sift through and pick out the twats and morons. And the ice queens and She-ra. Plus there's nothing like a bit of Eurovision time wasting and prolonging.
I was just thinking to myself earlier in the day, wouldn't it be amazing if the lady from Borgen was presenting. Not that they would get a statesminister to do that, but still it would've been cool. And then who walks out? Kasper from Borgen, - Whoop! - a twiglet wearing a dress, and a lanky dude with glasses.
So without further ado, let's delve into the 26 acts.
Ukraine - Tick Tock.
Shoulda been called Hamster Wheel, surely? What made me laugh more was that A was sat at the side of me saying, "Oh, I didn't know you could get one of those. How cool would that be to run on if you had one in your house." Really? I thought it just made her look like some crazy dominatrix that was clearly in charge of her man. You get on that wheel and spin it, until I say you can stop. Evil woman.
She used the stroking your own boob move. A classic.
I have to say I was more intrigued by the hamster man and his moves than her shitty voice.
That was one violent wind machine, it practically blew her dress away.
When she got on the outside of the wheel towards the latter half of the song, I couldn't help but think: 'Go on, let go of the wheel. Make her fall off. Please.'
Belarus - Cheesecake
All those men appeared from one person. Freaky.
Manhattan skyline in lights.
Dad dancing, to the extreme!
I wish I had some cheesecake to throw at them.
They're not even trying. The choreographer should be shot, though to be fair so should the lyricist and any other writers that created this monstrosity.
And slide to the side. Step forward, step back.
Oh no, did he really do a fake kick the camera thing. Oh dear.
Azerbijan - Start a Fire
Well if she had - started a fire - it would have been much less dull.
The fake skin dress? Really? Closet ice dancer?
What a pointless trapeze artist. It would have been so much better if they collided, again, much less dull.
She really attempted to make it epic, but what she didn't take into account was her abundance of shitty notes and the fact that the audience had no clue what the song was about and didn't give a shit either.
Iceland - No Prejudice
LOVE!
Love the colours, the lyrics, everything.
Love the backing vocalists in their onesies.
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb etc.
Dance routine as well. Fuck, this is gold!
WINNER (in my eyes).
Norway - Silent Storm
I wish it had been a silent storm, then I wouldn't have had to sit through that.
There was nothing going on behind his eyes.
BORING!
He really doesn't look like he wants to be there.
And I feel the song would have sounded better if sung by a woman.
Romania - Miracle
That's some receding hairline..
She looks like a cardboard cut-out. Oh, she sort of was, or some weird projection, as she then appeared at the other end of the stage. Creepy.
She's got a hand and arm dance routine, but he hasn't got a clue what he's attempting to play on the circular piano. What a twat.
Key change.
I have to say the chorus was pretty catchy and they were committed, or should that be rephrased to say, they should be committed? It's a fine line.
Armenia - Not Alone
'You're all alone.' Yeah, so what, look at you on the stage all alone, loser.
Another boring fuckin' ballad. Blah, blah, blah.
Boring costume, boring song, boring voice, boring staging, boring performance.
Are they the only words he knows in English?
Tried to make it interesting by shouting and the addition of fire. Still didn't help.
Montenegro - Moj Svijet
Ice skating lady, does that imply he's gonna slip? He's only got normal shoes on.
Pan out to find the ice skating lady asleep on the floor. I know how she feels.
Then she gets up and there's fire later. End of.
Poland - We are Slavic
This is so offensive. I'm not sure what is happening.
How many Polish people are wishing they weren't Polish right now? Just have a guess.
Sort of weird, screamy, rap thing.
Sluts are us, but it's alright: "This is our hot Slavic blood." Right.
Oh dear, the porno milk maids/butter churners are obscene.
Greece - Rise Up
Yeah, yeah, uh, come on, yeah.
It's embarrassing really.
Rise, rise, rise up etc, Just keep repeating the phrase, that'll win it for you.
Youth. I just don't get it.
Unnecessary trampolining, it's turned into a kids party.
Austria - Rise like a Pheonix
Drag act. Bearded lady/man.
Like it. Good voice, nice dress, nice staging, but the beard did freak me out a little bit. Sorry.
Incredible voice!
It's a bit Shirley Bassey.
Inevitable winner.
Germany - Is it right?
Well no, it's quite clearly not, is it?
And I think that's all we need to say about that.
Interlude. Erm, why did they stop after 12? There are 26 acts, surely it makes more sense to stop half way through at 13? No?
Lots of pricks in the audience tonight! Say what, Graham? I genuinely thought that's what he said. But it was actually, "Lots of Brits in the audience tonight." Eh, potato, potata.
I loved the shots of the audience as well, they were all completely wankered. They had no idea which act they were watching.
Resuming........
Sweden - Undo
She is in a tee pee of lights. I think she's been taken hostage, it's like some sort of prison. It's an illuminated prison. She'll be electrocuted if she tries to get out.
Or maybe not......
Oh, she's back in.
She can sing, though I hate that undo vocal lick she does. Deranged duck?
France - Moustache
Dr Suess haircuts and some 90's Bermuda shorts. I feel violated.
'I wanna have a moustache.' Well chop some of that hair off your head and stick it on, you've got plenty.
It's the Wiggles on speed.
Russia - Shine
See-saw. Holding a tube of perspex and joined by hair. I've always said twins are weird.
It's very abba.
Weeeeeee! You know they're dying to say, weeeeeeeeeeee! as they slowly move the see saw.
They had good voices and sang well, but it was a bit, meh.
Italy - La Mia Citta
She-ra. It's fuckin' She-ra. Man she's aged, and not in a good way. Where's He-man?
She's going for a along walk in those heels? Man that stage is large.
Now she's crawling on her hands and knees, giving more knicker sighting opportunities.
She did a lot of shouting. I feel like I should be in the naughty corner.
Slovenia - Round and Round
There's no way she's playing that flute.
Wicked Witch of the West? With a flute instead of a Broomstick? Wicked flashbacks. Oh god no!
That floor would seriously mess with your head.
Pointless flute interludes. She just wanted everyone to know she plays a flute. Okay, we get it.
Finland - Something Better
Quite like it. Sounds like something that would be in the UK charts, you know, like a normal song that could actually exist beyond the twisted insanity of Eurovision.
Like his voice, though I know it sounds like lots of other songs. Still, they're all playing their own instruments. Nice!
Spain - Dancing in the Rain
Get her an umbrella or a mac or something. She'll catch her death out there.
Her teeth scare me.
The chorus is shite!
Well, it didn't take long to get her hair done. Just wet it, it'll look like it's really raining.
Yeah I can see why you only came fifth in the X-factor.
The only lyrics are Dancing in the Rain, which coincidentally is the title of the song. Clever that isn't it.
Switzerland - Hunter of Stars
Now if that's not a book title, I don't know what is. Mine! I claimed it.
Creepy whistler.
Would you buy a used car from any of these men?
The banjo guy has an insane beard/moustache combo.
What a bunch of hillbillies.
"Tonight I'm gonna eat you up." Cannibals! Ahhhh! Run!
"Roar like a lion." "I am so wet and dirty."
I'm not sure where he's going with this..........
Beating the shit out of those drums. careful, you'll put someone's eye out.
Hungary - Running
He doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who would wear a cardigan.
Those are some bushy eyebrows.
Oh, I get it, he ran on stage and the song's called Running. Man that's some clever symbolism.
It's a bit serious subject matter for Eurovision. Presumably the woman is trying to escape the abusive dance partner/daddy figure. Let her go for fuck's sake.
Malta - Coming Home
It's all a bit wholesome and nice.
I'm not sure what this is, but I don't think they do either. Still, at least they're all smiling.
Denmark - Ciche Love Song
I wanna punch him in the face.
The dancer guy has weird legs that flip around everywhere, independent of the rest of his body.
I can't deal with this.
What is it with tuxes this Eurovision? Though he needs to get some trousers that fit.
There's a lot of hair on that stage.
The Netherlands - Calm After the Storm
Cute. The outfits, the staging, their voices. I like it.
Feels a tad out of place, but a real stand alone song. Sweet.
San Marino - Maybe
May-be. It's all one word love.
Aww bless her, she's really trying. And she can sing. It's just not very interesting.
Oh no, now she's talking at me, and now she's gone all musical theatre on me.
United Kingdom - Children of the Universe
I'd never heard this before. But go Molly.
Eek, I hope this gets better.
She's got a lovely voice but that first bit was too low.
Lovin' the drummer and the backing vocalists are awesome.
That was pretty good, well done UK.
Yeah, back to skinny, wooden woman. I'm scared of her arms, they're like Madonnas.
Awww, I can't believe they actually thanked Graham and completely embarrassed him. He was proper flummoxed.
Now I didn't get to see a great deal of the middle bit or the scoring, due to a pressing urge to take a long overnight coach journey to Glasgow for a 10km run. So it's probably best I leave it there. I hope you enjoyed Eurovision. It really is a feast for the eyes and ears. *cough cough*
But as a special treat, I will leave you with some bonus material: a review of 7 acts that didn't get into the Grand Final. Check them out on youtube, there are some absolute stinkers.
The Best of the Worst:
Portugal
Man or woman?
You're not an ice dancer, so why are you wearing the fake skin dress, which coincidentally does nothing for you. Nothing about this works. A was conviced; Transvestite.
Lithuania
Trying to be a bit metal/alternative and wearing a PVC Tutu thing. Looks like they'd just taken a trip to Cyberdog.
Completely irrelevant dancer who kept sticking his hands, and all sorts of body parts, between her legs.
Belgium
Mummy issues.
Fat dude with girl voice.
Boring and possibly disturbing......though the irrelevant dancer in the background almost made me wet myself.
Psychologists may want to study the lyrics of this one. Jeez.
Moldova
Vikings/Game of Thrones/Horizontal man. Another very low song for a woman.
Don't mess with her, she will gut you.
Let's face it, she's no Daenerys. (GOT reference.)
I've noticed how much they pull a Katy Perry - theatrics to distract from the awful song/lyrics.
I pull my bobble out for the last chorus. Don't miss that.
Latvia
It's actually called Cake to Bake.
Two guys with guitars who just want to be your friends.
Now there are four and they have shakers and there's a chubby lass wearing a stripy dress.
We're all jolly and nice and colourful.
"We've got a cake to bake. I got no clue at all." Clearly not.
Oh my god, it's a musical recipe for retards.
Watch out for the genius backing vocals: Piece of cake.
(Apologies for the R word, I don't like it anymore than you do, but if you see this performance, you'll understand why there was no other possible word to describe it.)
Estonia
Lying on the floor holding hands. You can see my knickers if you like?
"Do you hear me screaming?" Yes, unfortunately, we all do.
More about their ability to dance than anything else. You'll yawn through this one.
Albania
Constipated expression.
A said: "A fat Lilly Allen who sings like Shakira."
Constricted. Everything vocal is happening in a tiny space.
Leanne Rhimes flashback. Late 90s/early 00s female ballads.
Guitar solo in an attempt to claim cool points. Failed.
A weird looking Christina Ricci?
Okay, so that was your bonus material. Ha ha. Hope you enjoyed this year's coverage. Better late than never, I'm hoping. I have no idea of the scoring, other than the bearded lady won, of course.
Thanks for reading. Until next year's Eurovision.........
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