Tuesday, June 3, 2014


When it's 2.28am on a Monday in June and there's no bank holiday or celebration to be had, a text message at that time can mean only one thing.......Okay it can mean several things:

Someone is dead or in the hospital.
A friend is drunk and wants to tell you about it.
Or. Google has detected a suspicious log in on your account.

Yes I was just as surprised as you are, but also rather touched. How sweet of them to know it wasn't me.
Of course I was too knackered to get up and sort it out at 2.28am, but then it was on my mind the rest of the night and I had some rather messed up dreams.

Still, the first thing I did when I woke up was to log on and see what was going on. This thick red bar came up at the top of the screen saying: We stopped a log in attempt. Wow! I felt all important.

I checked my email and sure enough I had one from around 2.28am entitled: Suspicious sign in prevented. Go Google.

Hi Helen,

Someone recently used your password to try to sign in to your Google Account.

We prevented the sign-in attempt in case this was a hijacker trying to access your account. Please review the details of the sign-in attempt:

Tuesday, June 3, 2014 12:57:16 AM UTC
IP Address: (I have deleted this in case said hacker is really super evil and wants revenge.)
Location: Nagoya, Aichi, Japan

If you do not recognize this sign-in attempt, someone else might be trying to access your account. You should sign in to your account and reset your password immediately. 

I guess it wasn't too difficult to guess that I wasn't in Nagoya, Aichi, Japan. But I thank them very much all the same. Nice to know someone's looking out for you while you sleep. 

I changed the password as soon as I got up and quite frankly, in your face stupid hacker person from Japan. Though what they could possibly achieve by hijacking my account I'll never know or understand. 

And so, moving on. I have finally joined the 21st Century - long overdue - with Internet banking. Or as I like to think of it: Lazy banking. Now when I need to check if a payment has gone through, I won't be taking a cheeky little jaunt to Kentish Town, not only exercising, but inevitably nipping into the library and coming out with a raft of books. Instead, I'll be sat in the comfort of my couch, probably with a drink and a biscuit. I can feel my ass expanding already. Ha ha. But in all honesty, it will be good for my sanity and the fact that banks are open shitty hours, especially the tiny branches. And I'm sure I'll still make lots of excuses to jaunt out and visit the library. It really doesn't take much. 

Now to the most bizarre discovery of all: You can actually develop girl genes, even after 30 years of lacking them. Yes, it's true, though on Friday night it wasn't apparent, when I was attempting to put my hair up as a practise for the wedding on the Saturday. Nothing went right. I'd been out to buy hair products, as of course I previously didn't own any. I came back with a heat protection spray, a light hold hairspray and a super this-hair-ain't-going-anywhere hairspray. But they do not make a hairstyle. Girl genes and hand dexterity do. I have little to none of either. 

Using good old Google searches and YouTube videos, I failed my way through various 'simple' updos that were supposed to take minutes and I couldn't even perform the first step. At one point I actually broke down and said, 'I don't have any girl genes. I can't do anything. I have no girl genes.' I mean, I wasn't broken down enough to be crying about it. I was simply stating a fact with a feeling of loss - though really I can't feel loss for something I never had - and eventually laughter. You should always be able to laugh at yourself, even in the most dire circumstances. A even offered to help, bless him. But at this stage it was all out war with myself. If I couldn't do it, fine. But I couldn't have anyone helping me. If I had to fail, I had to fail by myself. 

I realised that the YouTube videos were slightly better than just the photo step-by-step guides, because you see the movements and realise which was to twist and stuff. So I started trawling through a few. I attempted one but my hair was too thin and it just didn't have anywhere near the same effect. Then I stumbled upon a real gem. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVxXr_mh5BM  Thank you to Cinthia Truong for enabling me to grow a couple of girl genes. But please don't all start doing this style, as it's the only one I can do. 

It's so much easier when you're a bridesmaid and you have someone doing your hair and make-up for you. Man it was all DIY at this wedding and I somehow managed to pull it off. 

So I now own hair products, have the ability to do one updo, and have applied my own foundation. This really was an increase in girl genes. I think I now have five: these three along with shoes and handbags. I love shoes and handbags. 

Thanks for reading you lovely people. 
Enjoy the manky weather. 


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