Wednesday, May 30, 2018

A Squirrel's Play Centre

Today's rant is brought to you from behind the scaffolding, from behind the blue mesh that blocks out the sky and the walkways that roll right past our fifth floor windows.

Today's rant is brought to you from a penned in writer who misses her view and can no longer use her balcony as she now shares it with squirrels and a whole host of birds that use it like their very own nature reserve.

I miss the clouds. I miss watching the storms. I miss being able to leave things on the balcony without them being torn apart by oversized rats with fluffy tails. And I miss being able to open the windows without fear of a creature or person wandering in. We can't even keep the curtains open as there are high-vis vests wandering around at any time. And there is only one room without windows, so you have to get dressed in the bathroom to conserve your modesty.

The squirrels are elated as they now have their own high-rise play centre. The interconnecting poles, the stairways and the netting, has provided them with plenty to do and the little pests think it is fun to destroy our planters and throw soil everywhere. The other day I left a bag of rubbish on the balcony in order to take down later, and when I went out to get it, there were several holes in it and food splattered everywhere. Little shits.

Everything is muted. The colours are all wrong, and behind blue netting and the rectangular metal mesh stuff - intended to keep out intruders - I am only able to see the world through a variety of shapes and gaps. You can't see the bigger picture. You can't see the whole. And you certainly can't ascertain what the weather is doing. The constant greyness often leaves you blinded when you emerge from the building into full sun.

We had builders in the flat yesterday checking the heating and pipes and flu line. And the manager had the audacity to go into the bedroom and  - failing to find the light switch - come back out asking where the light was in the 'children's room.' Rude. We don't have a second bedroom. We don't have children as I told him earlier. If that was the children's room then where the fuck would we sleep? And really, if he had made any attempt to look with his eyes he would have seen the double bed. Just because it's raised off the floor, doesn't mean it's for a child. Adults can have high beds too, especially when they're dealing with tiny spaces and can have wardrobes and storage space underneath them. My dad made that bed to perfectly fill the space. It's genius!

I think he realised he'd offended me when I immediately retorted, 'That's our room. We don't have any children and it's the only bedroom.' Where he thought we were hiding the other one I have no idea. To be fair, he was a bumbling mess and probably a few years younger than me, but really, open your eyes dick wad, it's a one bedroom flat.

It's strange to feel like you're being watched, up on the fifth floor. It was always me taking on the role of observer, photographing the clouds, looking down on the world and listening in to voices that drifted up to us. But now, I am caged and only they can look in. The view is obstructed, the world is changed.

Rants

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Eurovision 2018

It's my favourite time of year. Eurovision is here and with it, the most bizarre staging, costumes, songs and nonsense you're likely to see all year. It's quite an event and Rants is here to take you through it, piece by sparkly piece.

Cue Graham Norton and the Eurovision theme. Let's go...

A nice classy opening from Lisbon with their traditional Fado songs.

1. Ukraine
Fresh from filming the sequel to What we do in the Shadows, please welcome Mr Vampiro. He just rose out of a coffin, which doubles as a piano. He sired all the backing vocalists and then here he is playing on his coffin piano. Ahhhh, the steps are on fire. Call 999 or whatever the number is in Portugal. Those fire balls could take someone's eyes out. Oh wait, does that explain the one creepy contact lense...it's a glass eye.

2. Spain
Three notes on the piano and I already can't cope. His voice is bad, kinda like a cartoon. Did he swallow a kid? Graham mentioned it might be saccharine but really...vomit! Everywhere! Oh look at us we're so in love. Blurgh. We get it, you're shagging.

3.Slovenia
So many thighs and crotches on display and a shit tonne of attitude. Has a good beat and she has a great voice, as well as pink hair. She put it out there and that was honestly very good.

4. Lithuania
She needs to sing a bit better, especially on the low notes. It's way too sickly sweet, I feel like I'm choking on cheap perfume. Bringing your husband on stage: gross!

5. Austria
Extra in the Hunger Games? Divergent? He definitely just stepped out of a dystopian YA film franchise. Great voice though. Wait for it, oh yes, there it is, the high pitched ball squeezing bit.

6. Estonia
She's freakin' opera Elsa. She's going to break into Let it Go. A great set of lungs and a ridiculously high voice, but I don't have much else to say.

7. Norway
This song is terrible. It sounds a bit Will Smith/90s throwback. The lyrics are shit. The dancers are shit. I'd be ashamed if I had to sing something like that. How can you show your face at work on Monday?

8. Portugal
Pink hair number 2. A cute song and voice, but it became a bit background to our ongoing cheeseboard. I liked the ending when both women sang together. I fear it may be forgotten.

9. UK
We toasted to Terry Wogan with our Port that we bought in Lisbon last year.
Well done Surie. The crowd seemed to be loving it.
WTF just happened? I question the security of this place. He just took her freakin' microphone.
What a professional. She got on with it. Well done love.
According to twitter, Nigella is outraged at what just happened and the fact that no one has mentioned it.

10. Serbia
He owns those women. Someone help them escape. There's a wizard on a plinth with a recorder. It's a bit Game of Thrones meets Gladiator.

11. Germany
That's quite a head of hair. And a nice voice but it's a bit too schmaltzy for my taste. The graphics are making my eyes roll. Though I think at the end he was definitely trying to hypnotise the audience into voting for him.

12. Albania
A surprisingly good voice. Bit of a rock power ballad going on here. Costumes seem a tad over the top, a bit leathery and fetishy. But I like the Darkness style ending.

13. France
(Another actual couple) A bit sci-fi costume wise. They could have been extras in the new Star Wars except for the red trainers. Fine but not my cup of tea.

14. Czech Republic
Oh no, what just happened? He's trying to be Bruno Mars but he looks like Urkel. I did appreciate the choreography with a backpack. Who knew? It was very YA, very teen, and they had a lot of fun. A shout out to my friend Charlotte who loved the braces and immediately messaged me saying Czech Republic to win!

15.Denmark
I saw these guys during the flag ceremony and had high hopes. The Vikings have landed. I thought they were going to be super metal, however, it was just Westlife stomping around wearing black, having grown long hair and beards.

16. Australia
I think she caught the netball and can only pivot on one foot. This will do well but it's not for me. She's trying to pretend she actually has a dance routine and is not winging it.

17. Finland
Great voice and costume. Bit of upside down singing. Lots of hand choreography. I think her four dancers are from Dr Evil's lair. She got a bit pitchy at the end but it was pretty entertaining.

18. Bulgaria
Starts with Bulgarian Will I Am. It's a bit intense and bro-tastic, but they are totally diverse and they brought a Lady Gaga lookalike with them. Some great voices. This was a good song.

19. Moldova
Opening and closing doors. It felt like something out of the Ikea catalogue. Oh my, he was taking her from behind. Love triangle in primary colours. Terrifying.

20. Sweden
Stop gyrating you Beiber wannabe. This was gross and made me pull my face in disgust. Eww. Just eww.

21. Hungary
LOVE! INSTANT LOVE! Yes! A metal group. Yes.
Energy. Anger. Aggression. Barefoot and screaming. Fire everywhere. And they're having a lovely time. What is not to love?

22. Israel
The bar in the postcard they showed, we went to and had incredible cocktails. I almost choked on my port, screaming at the TV. Anyhoo, this is spectacular. She needs to win. She made some remarkable sounds and of course acted like a chicken.

23. The Netherlands
It's all gone country. How Dutch. It's a good song but it doesn't have a chance of winning. It's too American, not Eurovision. Oh, the dancers have gone crazy. They're having a fit.

24. Ireland
This was very cute. Great voices. Very simple. Dancers acting out a same sex romance. Yes! I hope this does well. One of the only ballads I could cope with.

25. Cyprus
That costume does not look comfortable. Do the sequins chafe?
Sorry to break it to you, but you're not Beyonce. Your voice is not secure and there are no backing vocals, just everyone singing in unison, because her voice is weak.

26. Italy
It was a bit intense. Very political and serious. He's just shouting. Not my favourite Italian entry and a bit of a weird one to finish on.

Well, I have to say there were a few gems but it was all in all a little disappointing this year. And it was a shame that our girl had to cope with a stage invasion. But having just seen the final result, Israel have done it. A true testament to Eurovision. Well done, Netta. You absolute legend.

I feel like I haven't been as funny this year, but then you can only comment on what you see and there were perhaps one too many ballads and normal pop songs this year and not enough grannies churning butter whilst ice skaters lurk behind you wearing ski masks. I mean, come on Eurovision. We need the nonsense and the absolute monstrosities. Anyhoo we are done for another year.

This is Rants signing off....