Sunday, May 14, 2017

Eurovision 2017

It's that time of year when we all hold our breath and wonder what tosh we're going to hear this year from Europe and who knows where. Now, I am watching this Sunday morning and blogging as I watch, as I was at a Hen Do yesterday and missed the event itself live.

Do they all have to wear white? #flag ceremony
A trio of ladies, with attitude, then a trio of guys who look very pleased with themselves.
Nice dress Denmark.
He looks like a scared little boy #Portugal
Aww look it's that part of Europe we all know so well #Australia
There's definitely some interesting characters coming out in this flag ceremony. I'm quite digging the music too.
Nice dress Germany.
Blimin' eck they've brought all the young 'uns out tonight.
Aww he's got red wellies #Ukraine

Look at our spangly hosts. How shiny are the shoes? Wow, cover your eyes. Sunglasses people. Sunglasses. 'A love machine but for facts.' Hmmmmmmm
Well done talking in unison. A difficult skill. Though, I'm sure you could have had a least one woman presenting too. #equality #diversity

Anyhoo, it's all about to start so let's go....

1. Israel
He looks way too pleased with himself. He came straight from the gym. No need to change love. Pitchy as fuck. I'm singing in front of larger images of myself. I'm slightly in love with myself.
Two more men wearing dungarees arrive to throw down some moves. Walk to the other side and turn. It's an actual dance move. Asymmetric dancers. Why? Did one call in sick.
Oh Israel, no, just no. Go back to the gym love. There you belong.

Ah, the supermodel, burlesque dancer who loves dogs. Ah, rhyming words. Desire, fire, etc....She's been reading through that dictionary. Completely unnecessary violinist on stage. And let's face it, no one's looking at him, when she's got legs right up to her bottom. She's got a pretty good voice. It's feels a little intense for Eurovision. Well done though.

Sorry guys, have the urge to punch you both in the face. Hipster, folksters. Oh no. It's a Shoreditch wedding. I'm so not playing this guitar, it's a prop. Cheese fest. But nice voices and you can't beat a chorus with no words, that the audience can join in with, instantly. Her voice is very interesting. Oh no, it's got a clapping along bit. Stop now. Oh god, there was no need for the PDA. Yuck!

Awww he's got wings on his shoes. And he's sat on a crescent moon. He'll get plenty of votes. It's just so cute, I want to throw up and then squeeze his cheeks. Maybe pat him on the head as well, give him a sweetie. Nice cloud graphics in the background, I am a fan of clouds. I'm wearing white and I'm so innocent and lovely and,....... wait a minute I've just all the respect from my skater friends and fellow graffiti artists. I can never go back. Who'll adopt me?

5. Armenia
She will kill you, so don't get on her bad side. So many rings. This is weird. I don't really know what it is. Two women appeared to do strange arm movements and sparkle. This won't win, but it's certainly a bit different. Those wide leg trousers are amazing. I love a wide leg trouser. She does like touching her own face. It's all about hands and arms. I think it's just disguising the fact that they can't dance. They're trying to hypnotise you with hand movements.

It's the three sassy ladies from the Netherlands. They are sisters. What did that clip tell us about them, other than they are almost cleptos?
Nice harmonies. This is so 90's and the costumes are very Strictly Come Dancing. So many sequins. Your diagonal line was a bit off then ladies. Come on, get it together. Andrea loves this one! Key change as well. Like Andrea said if they'd been around in the 90's they would have been huge.

Three guys and a saxophone. What could go wrong?
Oh wow. What is this? The kick the leg dance move is extraordinary. I'm not playing this sax and everyone knows it. The women with their bouquet microphones and then, shit they're brides. Did they have a choice? Oh dear. This is tosh! I mean, it's catchy tosh, but still absolute tosh! Stick to playing at other people's weddings.

Well he's an interesting character. It's all about that jacket. It feels a bit bull fighter, pirate. He looks a bit scared but I think that's his general expression. It's all on one level. Now we rap. Why not? The violinist is in love with herself and her violin. Oh god the dancer looked in genuine pain then. It's okay love, it's not real. It's just Eurovision. You will escape. Just have hope. Bad song.

9. Italy
Yay! Sadly I'm not quite quick enough to translate as it goes along, but go Italy Flat 19's second country. He's got the Wiggles as backing vocals and backing dancers. That's my favourite backing vocal ever, 'sex appeal.' Oh the gorilla's here for absolutely no reason. Oh Italy, I love you but this is terrible. But you gave the Wiggles a European gig, so that must have been fun for them.

10. Denmark
This dress is beautiful. Seems a shame to not use one of the many talented Danish artists, just because she fills the dress well and moved there recently. It's not very Eurovision at all. She's quite pitchy actually. She disguises it fairly well, but that voice isn't quite as good as you think it is. More impressed by your dress. You will not be winning tonight my dear.

11. Portugal
It's a bit musical from the 20's. Well that was unexpected. I was not expecting that voice to come from him. But I would like some dynamic changes now. It's all a bit soft and gentle. Let's build. Come on love, you can do it. It feels like one of those really dramatic french songs. It sounds very familiar. There was no chorus or anything. I can't decide what that was, but it was a nice vocal. Am not convinced either way.

12. Azerbaijan
She's quite severe looking, but very interesting. I am intrigued. That intro is very Stranger Things. I like it. Finally, one I like. Creepy man with horses head on a ladder. Oh I like this. Great voice. No idea what the feck's going on, but she's giving us a lesson on the blackboard. Take notes people, please. Now she's on the ladder too. He's taken his head off now. Those high harmonies were amazing! My favourite so far! Go Azerbaijan. Love it!

Andrea reckons he knows the fat guy from Croatia. No way. Andrea spent two weeks with him at Umbria Jazz many years ago. Awww. Eurovision connection right here in flat 19. The men actually seem to be playing the string instruments. Spoken intro and then his split personality goes into affect. Bloody love this. It's insane. I'm Whitney, I'm Pavarotti, I'm Freddie Mercury, I'm the woman who sang Let it Go. And to be fair it did have some tinges of Let it Go. But, jeez, that guy just sang about four different parts. That is just bizarre!

14. Australia
It's called 'Don't Come Easy' and he's seventeen. I'm sorry but....really?
Damn you Graham, now all I want to do is look at his eyebrows.
Great voice, but pictures of yourself behind you. I don't like that. Shockingly, Australia have a good song with a great singer. Still have to remind you that you're not actually part of Europe though. Saying that, we won't be soon, stupid Brexit twat bags. Sorry, I should be listening to this annoyingly talented seventeen year old. Not the best Australian entry though, but great voice.

15. Greece
She's very pretty. It's a bit thigh-tastic that dress. Now this is formulaic Eurovision. Ballady verse then massive disco chorus. Her backing vocalists are great, I feel they should also be on stage. The men playing pat-a-cake in the water. Aww, and they made a heart at the end. Yeah, her backing vocalists were better than her. Shame.

16. Spain
It's like One Direction have rejoined for Eurovision and learned Spanish. And they bought hawaiian shirts. They have lost all the respect of family and friends. They can never return home. I want to know what you're supposed to do for your lover. They just aren't clear. Come on guys, pull your finger out and stop smoking weed. Maybe you'll actually make those high notes, if you lay off the drugs. That was bad, but they were having a lovely time. You can't fault that.

17. Norway
A stand in singer. Hmmm, this could be bad. Oh god, it's all a bit, we're dead cool, but actually I quite like it, despite the whole, you can't see my face 'cause I'm a DJ, thing. This is definitely listenable. This will probably make my top five. Nice middle 8. Now he's beating the crap out of a bass drum. I'm jigging on the sofa. I like it. Thank you Norway!

Ah, a bit of Ukrainian comedy. It's a Eurovision montage. Yes! This is so silly, but I like it.

18. United Kingdom
Come on Lucy. I heard this on Graham Norton a few weeks ago, and her voice is fantastic. So hopefully she can pull it out on the night.
Nice simple mirror staging and spangly stars. Great voice. I almost feel sorry for the fact that she's from United Kingdom. We have even less political friends than ever and she'll probably be shat on. Shame. This is good. Pitch perfect. Absolutely great! Well done Lucy!!!!! Apparently even my dad liked that and he never likes the British entry.

19. Cyprus
I like the staging, but he's pitchy as fuck and if you're going to follow someone like Lucy, with a voice like that, then try harder. There's a lot of foot in the air dancing this year. Is it a new thing? I did like the walk on the line thing though. Needs a stronger vocal for this song. Andrea said it was 90% hair gel.

What? She's yodelling in front of toy soldiers and there are two cannons. Can someone please explain? Yodel pop. Who knew that was a thing? It's like a little bit rap, a little bit yodel, a little bit cheese. And the only possible place this combination could work is at Eurovision. Weirdly she's pitchy when she's not yodelling. I think she should stick to yodelling. I don't get the f-ing cannons.

21. Germany
This is a bit throw away. Not really digging her voice either. She'll get a cold back. She'll get cold on her kidneys and end up with diarrohea. I normally expect something a bit more edgy from Germany. This is bad and her voice is bad. Not impressed.

Aww these guys think they're dead cool. Awww he can't sing very well. The chorus helps a bit, but it's the only attempt at rock so far in the competition and it's pretty bad. Yeah it really is a long three minutes. I'm enjoying the break down section. Nice. Now why couldn't the rest of the song be up to that standard, then I could have got on board with that. They need a stronger singer.

23. Belgium
Another young 'un. She looks terrified, but that low voice of hers is lovely. She's lost on the stage. It's a bit Lana Del Ray. Come on love, a little expression. Aww she's losing it now. Just keep the pitch love, you're doing a good job, You are so young. That was a tall order. I'm glad she proved she had more than an octave range. Though she does look a bit like she has a gun at her back.

24. Sweden
Nasal as fuck. Ewwww. Learn how to sing. This is a Bruno Mars tribute act and the staging is slick and clever, but that doesn't detract from the fact that his voice is nasal, weak, and he has a face you instantly want to punch. Is it wrong that I would love one of the treadmills to go haywire and one of them to go flying off the end? Oh my god, they're all posing on treadmills. I hate each and every one of them.

25. Bulgaria
Another seventeen year old. It's intense man. Look at my expressive hands and you'll see. Oh, he's not on pitch especially in those high bits. Why have they left all the young 'uns on their own on a massive stage? Give them some support. A backing dancer or something. I mean this guy's doing better than the Belgian girl, but still it's a lot of pressure. Well done love. Just work on those high notes.

26. France
It's so fast she can't fit her words in. And take a breath. More and more sequins. Andrea was translating for me and said she was wittering on about bras. The chorus sounds more Spanish. I think this is boring and bad but it will probably do quite well. It's just so obvious. It felt like they didn't even try.

So, they're all done. And I might just have enough for a top five. Actually, I've looked back and it's more like a top 4. Slim pickings this year. No, I have consulted with Andrea and we have both come up with our top five.

The Rants Top 5

  1. Azerbaijan. Loved this!
  2. United Kingdom. For that vocal alone. Amazing. 
  3. Norway. I really enjoyed this. 
  4. Netherlands. A little bit of 90's girl band and loads of harmonies. Nice. 
  5. Croatia. Just because. I mean he is a complete lunatic.  
Other awards go to:

  • Most Bizarre - Romania. Yodel pop. 
  • Most terrified performer - Belgium. But I actually quite liked the song. 
  • Most wanted to punch - Sweden.
  • Could have been good - Ukraine
The Rants Worst 3
  1. Moldova. There was so much wrong with this. 
  2. Spain. One Direction's Hawaiian shirt routine did not suffice. 
  3. Germany. This was just bad. 
And now Andrea's Top 5
  1. Azerbaijan.
  2. Netherlands.
  3. United Kingdom.
  4. Poland.
  5. Croatia.
So now we can fast forward to the results and see how few marks Lucy gets despite being f-ing awesome. But can I just say the orchestra thing is pretty good. This is what Storm Troopers do in their spare time in case you wondered. Who knew?

I cannot believe the popular votes. People want their ears testing. But there you go. Well done Lucy. Well done Azerbaijan for being awesome. 

That's Rants out for another year. 

(I have not edited this post. It could be terrible.)