It's my favourite time of year. Eurovision is here and with it, the most bizarre staging, costumes, songs and nonsense you're likely to see all year. It's quite an event and Rants is here to take you through it, piece by sparkly piece.
Cue Graham Norton and the Eurovision theme. Let's go...
A nice classy opening from Lisbon with their traditional Fado songs.
Fresh from filming the sequel to What we do in the Shadows, please welcome Mr Vampiro. He just rose out of a coffin, which doubles as a piano. He sired all the backing vocalists and then here he is playing on his coffin piano. Ahhhh, the steps are on fire. Call 999 or whatever the number is in Portugal. Those fire balls could take someone's eyes out. Oh wait, does that explain the one creepy contact lense...it's a glass eye.
Three notes on the piano and I already can't cope. His voice is bad, kinda like a cartoon. Did he swallow a kid? Graham mentioned it might be saccharine but really...vomit! Everywhere! Oh look at us we're so in love. Blurgh. We get it, you're shagging.
So many thighs and crotches on display and a shit tonne of attitude. Has a good beat and she has a great voice, as well as pink hair. She put it out there and that was honestly very good.
She needs to sing a bit better, especially on the low notes. It's way too sickly sweet, I feel like I'm choking on cheap perfume. Bringing your husband on stage: gross!
Extra in the Hunger Games? Divergent? He definitely just stepped out of a dystopian YA film franchise. Great voice though. Wait for it, oh yes, there it is, the high pitched ball squeezing bit.
She's freakin' opera Elsa. She's going to break into Let it Go. A great set of lungs and a ridiculously high voice, but I don't have much else to say.
This song is terrible. It sounds a bit Will Smith/90s throwback. The lyrics are shit. The dancers are shit. I'd be ashamed if I had to sing something like that. How can you show your face at work on Monday?
Pink hair number 2. A cute song and voice, but it became a bit background to our ongoing cheeseboard. I liked the ending when both women sang together. I fear it may be forgotten.
We toasted to Terry Wogan with our Port that we bought in Lisbon last year.
Well done Surie. The crowd seemed to be loving it.
WTF just happened? I question the security of this place. He just took her freakin' microphone.
What a professional. She got on with it. Well done love.
According to twitter, Nigella is outraged at what just happened and the fact that no one has mentioned it.
He owns those women. Someone help them escape. There's a wizard on a plinth with a recorder. It's a bit Game of Thrones meets Gladiator.
That's quite a head of hair. And a nice voice but it's a bit too schmaltzy for my taste. The graphics are making my eyes roll. Though I think at the end he was definitely trying to hypnotise the audience into voting for him.
A surprisingly good voice. Bit of a rock power ballad going on here. Costumes seem a tad over the top, a bit leathery and fetishy. But I like the Darkness style ending.
(Another actual couple) A bit sci-fi costume wise. They could have been extras in the new Star Wars except for the red trainers. Fine but not my cup of tea.
14. Czech Republic
Oh no, what just happened? He's trying to be Bruno Mars but he looks like Urkel. I did appreciate the choreography with a backpack. Who knew? It was very YA, very teen, and they had a lot of fun. A shout out to my friend Charlotte who loved the braces and immediately messaged me saying Czech Republic to win!
I saw these guys during the flag ceremony and had high hopes. The Vikings have landed. I thought they were going to be super metal, however, it was just Westlife stomping around wearing black, having grown long hair and beards.
I think she caught the netball and can only pivot on one foot. This will do well but it's not for me. She's trying to pretend she actually has a dance routine and is not winging it.
Great voice and costume. Bit of upside down singing. Lots of hand choreography. I think her four dancers are from Dr Evil's lair. She got a bit pitchy at the end but it was pretty entertaining.
Starts with Bulgarian Will I Am. It's a bit intense and bro-tastic, but they are totally diverse and they brought a Lady Gaga lookalike with them. Some great voices. This was a good song.
Opening and closing doors. It felt like something out of the Ikea catalogue. Oh my, he was taking her from behind. Love triangle in primary colours. Terrifying.
Stop gyrating you Beiber wannabe. This was gross and made me pull my face in disgust. Eww. Just eww.
LOVE! INSTANT LOVE! Yes! A metal group. Yes.
Energy. Anger. Aggression. Barefoot and screaming. Fire everywhere. And they're having a lovely time. What is not to love?
The bar in the postcard they showed, we went to and had incredible cocktails. I almost choked on my port, screaming at the TV. Anyhoo, this is spectacular. She needs to win. She made some remarkable sounds and of course acted like a chicken.
23. The Netherlands
It's all gone country. How Dutch. It's a good song but it doesn't have a chance of winning. It's too American, not Eurovision. Oh, the dancers have gone crazy. They're having a fit.
This was very cute. Great voices. Very simple. Dancers acting out a same sex romance. Yes! I hope this does well. One of the only ballads I could cope with.
That costume does not look comfortable. Do the sequins chafe?
Sorry to break it to you, but you're not Beyonce. Your voice is not secure and there are no backing vocals, just everyone singing in unison, because her voice is weak.
It was a bit intense. Very political and serious. He's just shouting. Not my favourite Italian entry and a bit of a weird one to finish on.
Well, I have to say there were a few gems but it was all in all a little disappointing this year. And it was a shame that our girl had to cope with a stage invasion. But having just seen the final result, Israel have done it. A true testament to Eurovision. Well done, Netta. You absolute legend.
I feel like I haven't been as funny this year, but then you can only comment on what you see and there were perhaps one too many ballads and normal pop songs this year and not enough grannies churning butter whilst ice skaters lurk behind you wearing ski masks. I mean, come on Eurovision. We need the nonsense and the absolute monstrosities. Anyhoo we are done for another year.
This is Rants signing off....