Monday, August 13, 2012

The show's not over until Helen blogs.

The closing ceremony of the London 2012 Olympics, typed up from notes I made throughout. I have not altered or changed these in any way, so they are gut instincts, split second decisions on what was happening. This means I will inevitably offend almost everyone......Here goes.

Emeli Sande - Flat throughout. Who the feck are you anyway? Did she even try to sing in tune?

40 members of Stomp on the other hand - Awesome! Choir pretty nice too!

Ahhhh, Julian Lloyd Weber - Scruffy and weird looking but a bloody beautiful cellist.

Peter Pettigrew - I always forget his real name but he was Peter Pettigrew from Harry Potter. Ha ha. Timothy Spall doing a great job as Winston Churchill.

I like the traffic and all the different transport even down to roller blades, though that is sort of funny as you can't roller blade practically anywhere in London. Most parks it is banned and you can't do it on the pavements. Anyhoo. Traffic. Nice. Rush hour conveyed. Just multiply it by a million.

All newspaper coverings. Emphasis on recycling? Or Britains' love of newspapers?

Prince Henry - Did anyone else go, "His name's not Henry, it's Harry?" Confused? He looked pretty confused himself.

Ahhhhh, the National Anthem (again!). Man are we sick of hearing that now.....he he.

Del Boy's car - Legendary Only Fools and Horses. A and I suspect a lot of non Brits would find that one tricky.

Madness - Lovely, though I know they ain't gonna do Baggy Trousers. Crazy kilt guy looks amazing. I love Madness. It doesn't matter how much they age, they've still got it!!

Blur - Park Life/Park Live.....I get it now. They were playing live at Hyde Park.

Guards Marching Band - Lovely slow marching.

Pet Shop Boys - Love the origami cyclist stuff. Lovely cone hats too. Pointy! Bloody weirdos but you gotta love 'em.

What the feck is this? - Argh! Cheesy pop. Little gay boys. Oh, One Direction - Not a cock between them.
How did they get in the closing ceremony? And they're not even singing?

Yeah Stomp - Making noise with bin lids. Whoop! And not forgetting big sticks. Awesome!
They stomp all over One Direction and their tiny pricks.

Chaos and hustle and bustle of London. It's why we love it!

Spelbound - What is this? Crazy acrobatic creepiness? Yeah. I can do that too.

Ray Davis - Waterloo Sunset.....TUNE!

Crazy acrobatics goin' on in the background as well.

It's not fucking her again. She still can't sing. She's pissin' flat again. Piss off. (Emeli Sande) Who's she screwing to get so much air time/face time? I'd like you to sing in tune please. And was it really necessary to costume change especially as you're singing the same song. And even if she wasn't singing the same song, it sounded the same.

Cue emotional interlude which basically consists of clips of everyone crying. Yes. It's depressive Britain at it's best.

(Emeli Sande) She's really no substitute for Adele. She's just a bit shit and irritating. Who made her Queen of the World?

Whoop! All the flag bearers back. Lovely. Though the sequined lady escorts were hideous. Eek.

Elbow getting all sentimental. Come on you Northerners.

I don't think I ever watched an entire closing ceremony before. It's beautiful. Or that could be because it's my games in my city, my country. It means a lot. Very emotional.

All the flags together. Very nice. It's my philosophy in life - 'Why can't everyone just get along?' Well here they are getting along.

Well done Ireland. 5 medals!!!!

It's like a ticker tape parade. You fill up that Union Jack. Full of people from all over the World. An International Island.

Come on Kate Bush, we need you.

I want a blue hat with a light bulb on it. Awesome!

3 new nations won a medal this time, that had never won one before. Love it. That's what it's all about.

Shame they just repeated all the songs we'd already heard. They obviously underestimated how long it would take to get all the athletes in. 2 songs from Elbow just won't cut it.

As soon as the drums started, I knew. I started screaming but sadly no Katie Bush. What a tune though! Running up that Hill. I'm glad she was involved and she definitely re-recorded the song. (I know it like the back of my hand and it was different from the original and remixed versions...sad, I know.) I'm almost convinced she was in that pyramid thing though. She is the ultimate recluse.

Marathon medal ceremony = time to get ice cream and cake.

The volunteers - Legends!

Those light things that the audience have are awesome!

Am I the only one who's had enough of Imagine?

Needed cake and ice-cream to get over the lack of Katie.

George - Go George. He was havin' a lovely time. I love how George still thinks he's 30. Still he's growing older way more gracefully than Madonna - Crotch showing Ho!

I don't know the second song of George. I don't think anyone else does either. (Found out it's his new single)
Sorry George but it's terrible! He's got a bit of dad dancing going on.

Have to say, the choir are brilliant!

Kaiser Chiefs? MOD? Pinball Wizard.

Where's Elton? Wasn't in the opening ceremony either. Boo!

Bowie - Only in clips.

Kate moss - Not sure how happy I am that she got in on it. Dirty drug supping ho.

Ahhhh, British fashion. Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell.......Am I supposed to know the others?
Glamorous outfits? Hideous outfits? Yes!

My word this blog will take me a while to write.

Annie Lennox -  A wench on a Pirate ship. Stella! Epic. Always one for drama. She's still got it.
Now that's a performance. Shits all over One Di- pissin'- rection and that stupid Emeli Snade woman.
I want a Pirate ship like that!

Ed Sheeran - Looking cute and ginger as ever. Nothing like a depressing interlude. Now I know he was playing a Floyd song, but it was still depressing.

Oh. Random tight rope walkers, or maybe just one as the other looks like a dummy. And yes, they just set it on fire. Lovely.

Must go and get ready for work now. Will finish Blog on my lunch break. Told you it was a long one. Been typing 45 minutes already and still 7 pages of my notebook to type up.

And I'm on lunch and ready to finish this blog of epic proportions:

Why is Russell Brand murdering a classic tune from Charlie and the Chocolate factory? Come to think of it, why the hell is he here? He's such a tool! Oh look, I'm miming like a completely untalented prick!

Fat Boy Slim - Now that's better. He looks so cute in his little shirt. Awwwww. Random inflatable octopus??? Some tunes though!!! Takes me back.

Fuck off Jessie J and next time put some pissin' clothes on.

Tiny Temper - hmmmmm. Taio Cruz???

Oh, I get it. It's the modern bit. No, you've lost me!

Why has she got white shoes on? Her meagre attempt at clothes are beigey off white. Looks terrible. I know I know nothing about fashion, but even I can colour match (to a certain extent).

They've given up now. They don't know what the hell they're doing. They've reverted to mum and dad dancing. (Jessie J, Taio Cruz, Tiny Temper....still)

And then come the black cabs, doing their ballet? Or so the commentator said. Who else could it be but the Spice Girls. Yeah. You can't help but smile. Oooooo, I love a good medley. It's like no time has passed. He he. Though they were struggling to keep upright on top of those cabs.

Oasis - Nice! Shame Noel's no longer there, he has a much better voice. Still. Tuneage!

Is it wrong that so far Spice Girls and Annie Lennox were the highlights. Oasis were pretty good too.

Man in a cannon......bizarre. Should have known it had something to do with Eric Idle. LEDGE!
Nice touches: Morris dances, beautiful angels, roller blading nuns, roman centurions and Indian dancers. Always look on the bright side of life! Not forgetting the random soprano avec trident. You always need one of those.

And then eventually the guy did shoot out of the canon. Nicely eccentric!
Oh look, it's Mr Bellamy playing his terrible Olympic song in a spangly suit. You sure as hell ain't gonna win with this terrible song. Eeeeshk. You were so good once.

Freddy on the big screen, captivating the entire audience with some vocal warm ups. And then Brian and those grey curls. Killer. And all the guitarists wank together. Ahhhhh. Sweet release!

Oh no, It's Jessie J again. Why? NO? Sacrilege!

Yeah. Boris is here. What do you mean he's not flying in on a zip wire??? Gutted.

Enter Brazil's offering: Tap dancing cleaners; whistles, samba, bright lights and way too many sequins. What's with the random condom heads that light up? Woo. So many sequins. My eyes.

Pele - No way.

Eeeee, it does go on. I need to be up at 6am.

And of course here come Take That. It's just like the bad ending to Stardust all over again.

You gotta love the cauldron: Mr Heatherwick's magical creation. We salute you and I love the epic end. Darcey Bussell arriving as a Phoenix, strutting her stuff and showing some lovely moves. Dra-ma-tic!

Goodbye Olympic Flame!

The Who with their theme tune to one of the CSI programmes. He he.

No literally, will it ever end?

And that is actually where it does end for me. I didn't bore you with all the handing over stuff at the end. Boring. But I did bore you with all this rambling nonsense. Apologies. You know I'm a sucker for an occasion and the closing of the London 2012 Olympics was a pretty emotional, epic end to what was a fantastic two weeks.

To be honest I'm dreading everyone coming back to London. I'll bet the tubes are rammed again. It's been so quiet during the Olympics. He he.

Happy Monday afternoon every one. Enjoy the sunshine while it lasts.


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