Do you remember in high school when you had that one particular lesson you dreaded? And before each of those lessons you felt a bit sick and whilst in the lesson you willed your teacher not to ask you a question? Well, it's been a while but I'm pretty sure my Monday night Italian classes have become this.
Tonight I was a complete shambles. I didn't understand anything coming out of the teacher's mouth. And for some reason she seemed intent on asking me things and further shaming me. She received mostly a stony silence and a confused expression. There was nothing going on in my brain this evening, or at least nothing particularly helpful.
I turn up every week and I do my homework and I try to do a little extra than that, but that's just not enough. If you can't make the verbs stick in your head, or pluck useful adjectives out of your bum hole, then you're unlikely to succeed. (I'm sure that what it says in the official course outline.)
I just hate feeling really dim. I hate knowing that I'm the thickest in the class. And I know that is not a useful word, phrase or sentiment, but come on, we all do it. We all think, man I hope there's someone worse than me. It doesn't matter the situation, we always hope there will be someone worse at it that us. But tonight, it was me. Tonight, I was the dim wit. I was the one they all looked at and pitied, and I hated every second of it.
It made me angry and frustrated and I'm not embarrassed to say: extremely sad. It allowed my super pessimistic side to shine through and take over. It made me feel defeated, overcome. It made me feel stupid, but then also silly for feeling stupid. I know it is okay to fail. I know it is okay to find things hard and to struggle, but in a ninety minute language class, it's damn embarrassing and quite shaming to be failing for every single minute of it.
Doing supposed 'pair work' didn't help as I was sat next to a right cow who wouldn't even look at me, let alone work with me. So fuck her quite frankly. She might have a better grasp of Sembra and Sembrano, but she's got no fucking manners. At least I wasn't the shittest at that. Hooray for small mercies.
Anyhoo, enough of this self-indulgent, self-hating barrage of nonsense. I was shit. Hopefully next week I'll be less shit. What else can I do but carry on?