Well, I did one for the Grammys, it's only fair I pick apart the Brits too. Though I have to say, as a kid The Brits were huge! It was all about which band were gonna have a fight, or who was gonna slag off Micheal Jackson, or who would swear on live tele. Oo. Naughty, naughty. But in recent years it just hasn't interested me, probably because I live in the past musically or partly because award shows are generally quite crap. Though I think it may stem from years ago when Kate Nash won best British female over PJ Harvey and Bat for Lashes. Say what?
Anyhoo, 2014 would be my re-entry to The Brits and their sparkly Britishness. So here goes.
Wow, it's at the O2. It's freakin' massive. I don't know where it used to be, but it certainly wasn't here.
Well, it was the monkeys of arctic persuasion to open and they were particularly out of time and tiny compared to the firey initials in the foreground. The lead singer was pretty sleazy looking with his fifties throw back slick quiff and his shadows jacket.
I don't know they just seemed a little lost in the venue. I mean it is massive and the fire letters sort of took away focus. Though I was watching it from a TV. Maybe it looked better live?
There were so many stops, rests, gaps in the music, so many places to make a mistake with the timing and they did. It was also a little mundane but then I'm sure fans of the freezing cold monkeys would beg to differ.
Fire. Burn. Danger.
James Cordon was our hilariously unfunny host for the evening, making unnecessary jokes to a live audience that couldn't give a shit, especially when you saw how much alcohol they had at their tables. Wowser.
(I honestly don't think I've ever used that word before.) So, he was on fire after the AMs played. He pretended not to know. Yes it was all hilarious.
Keeping it up to date, they had an award that could be voted for on twitter, as the show was happening. Now that's audience participation.
And to the first award, presented by Third Eye Girl and Prince. Prince is so small but very cool. When he mentioned that he was going 'up north' I screamed. I can't help it, when any one says up north I get very excited. Then he said Manchester and I whooped. You can take the girl out of the north but you can't take the north out of the girl.
I loved how professional James Cordon was, taking a selfie of him and Prince. I mean, really. You're hosting the sodding awards, you don't whap your phone out and start taking pictures of the artists.
BRITISH FEMALE SOLO ARTIST AWARD
Ellie Golding won it, though she struggled the long walk in those shoes and that dress. I never understand that. Surely if you're nominated for something, even if you don't think you're gonna win, surely you just wear something you can walk in without looking like some sort of half drunk penguin. Bless her though, she was completely stunned, very cute and ridiculously British about it all.
James Cordon made some sort of toilet joke, which again received no laughs from anyone.
(Now I've realised I'm padding this out too much. I just need to fling out what I jotted down last night. So...)
Oh look, another overly elaborate affair to detract from the awful singing. And it's the same song from The Grammys though conceived differently. Maybe she hoped people wouldn't notice. This time we were treated to neon Egyptian randomness.
Another award and presenting it: Kylie and Pharell. She couldn't walk in the latex dress and had a massive bow that kept smacking her in the face and probably tickling her chin. And he didn't have a hat on. Hardly recognised him.
INTERNATIONAL SOLO MALE
Bruno Mars won it, looking like a complete tool. I mean, had he just escaped jail? With his back up posse? Do you think he was trying a hat thing, like Pharell? Well, he can't pull it off, let's just say that.
Fearne Cotton and Tinie Tempah looking very cute, presented the BRITISH BREAKTHROUGH ACT award to Bastille, who had some excellent hair, both on heads and faces. They were four giddy little boys.
Ah, 1 Direction. The bain of society and a bunch of ridiculously wealthy twats. Let's go talk to them for a while. Really James Cordon? And you wonder why I don't watch the Brits anymore. It did make me realise how dumb they both look and sound. Speaking is obviously something they find difficult but there were lots of unnecessary drug references and Bieber jokes. Kids watch this Cordon. Think about it.
His performance of the song Treasure was just pure cheese. He still looked like a funky convict and there were about 20 people on stage, who all seemed to be doing something, though there was no way those guys were actually playing the brass instruments.
Oh my God, The chorus is pants. It's cheese, topped with more cheese, layered with dripping cheese and some of my own vomit. Urgh!
A's comment was: "These guys have no self respect." Made me giggle.
Then Lilly Allen came on to announce an award and made herself out to be even dumber than 1 Direction. Do I just say it? Oh, no, I do the nominations. Do I just go straight into it? I have no idea what I'm doing and am probably, very likely, pissed out of my head. Well done love. Well done.
BEST BRITISH GROUP
Th'Arctic Monkeys (as we would say up north, which is incidentally where they are from) won. It's a shame really because I do try to like most Northerners but the lead singer comes across as an arrogant cock.
CRITICS CHOICE AWARD
This seemed kinda harsh as it wasn't presented on the night, even though the guy who won, Sam Smith, was in the audience. I don't get it.
Hooray! Another ad break. I'd forgotten how irritating that is.
Some model with long legs and a prefect figure - well duh, she is a model - came to present an award proving that she too had issues both reading and talking. We are playing towards the stereotypes today. Come on people, help a girl out. Though I have to say I didn't appreciate the 'talk dirty to me' playing in the background as she walked on stage. That was inappropriate.
GLOBAL SUCCESS AWARD
1 Direction won it and then looked really shocked, despite being the only ones shown in the video. Ha ha. Then one of them was 'having a wee' and didn't even know what they'd won. Well done lads. You might be millionaires with millions of fans but you are also a bunch of idiots.
Yay! She's not doing the offensive drunk love song.
Her dress is all shimmery like a mermaid's tail.
The call and response gets a little old and the song doesn't allow her to move a great deal. You can tell she's dying to rip the dress and shake those thighs.
There are some hilarious lyrics though. 'Baby love me lights out. XO XO.' Not great.
James Cordon actually said shit, twice and Beyonce in the same sentence.
Katie Perry came on to use a fake British accent and plug her tour, but then while on stage thought she might as well present an award.
Rudimental won. I love the mish mash of style, fashion and look between the four members. They look like a fun group of guys.
Now, I would love to know what happens at The Brits when we are on commercial break. Hmmmmmmm.
Disclosure and Lorde
Another performance from the now 17 year old (still looking roughly 26) Lorde, looking creepy again all in black, with those thick black lips and barely any eye makeup. Weird remix version of the song but a pretty solid performance.
Then part way through, underwear woman with a weird voice came out. Apparently it's Allina George, though rather harshly she wasn't mentioned. All I will say is granny pants and a feeble voice.
I said it before they did. Daft Punk. Yeah alright, everybody bums this album. Whatever. Though the robots obviously didn't want to come to London to pick it up. Boo!
Then James Cordon visited Kylie to plug her new album, make some Neighbours jokes that if you weren't around in the 80's/early 90's would fly right over your head and report to us that she is single.Thanks for that.
Performing all in white with a hoodie and stomping boots; I had a feeling that was going to come off later in the song. She started with a massive guitar. When she did take her hoodie off, it must have been tropical in there 'cos out came the shorts and bikini top. Now the song is burn, but I hope she's not promoting sunburn, not with her lovely pale British skin. Put some sun cream on love.
She had to jump around a lot which made her voice kind of weak, especially for the intensity of the back beat, but still she had a lot of energy and she's cute.
Noel Gallagher came on to present an award: BRITISH MALE SOLO ARTIST, won by the great David Bowie, who of course was not there to pick it up. Noel then called everyone maniacs for thinking Bowie would go to the Brits. So instead they brought out every one's favourite druggy: Kate Moss. What the feck? I do not know what just happened.
Nick Grimshaw kissed James Cordon, because apparently that's hilarious, but he did also present INTERNATIONAL FEMALE. Lorde won with her lovely New Zealand accent.
During the next ad break I contemplated how much shitter the British awards are to the American. It's nothing against my wonderful country, but it's true. They are a little awkward, slightly uncomfortable and trying to make up for our relatively small stature.
Anyhoo, they let Jimmy Carr come on and not be funny! And he announced the winner of the twitter award. Sorry I mean BRITISH VIDEO AWARD, voted for on twitter. And guess what? 1 Di-frickin'-rection won. Thanks to everyone who voted and made me have to sit through another drunken, highly unintelligible acceptance speech.
I really would like to punch one of them in the face and I think you know which one. The one who thinks he's better than all the others. Ooooo.
Bastille and Rudimental.
Now for the performance of the night. They made us wait a while but it was worth it.
Nice start from Bastille. Loved the tiered staging with loads of drums, drum kits and drummers. Very cool.
Then on came the lady singing with Rudimental. Bit pitchy but she was jumping around like a lunatic and in lycra. I loved the dude with the matching shorts and jumper combo. Awesome.
Very energetic. Lots of fun, verve and energy. Definitely performance of the night!
Emile Sande came to present an award in her coat. Bless her, it is cold in th'O2. BRITISH ALBUM went to the Sheffield quartet, Th'Arctic Monkeys. His speech was absolute bollocks said with his usual air of arrogance and he did appear to be off his tits.
I always forget Rita Orla's British. Shame isn't it.
And so we face the final performance, thank god and it's a fun one. Pharell and Nile
It's a good job Pharell has backing vocalists and later, a choir. He is pitchy but very cute and unbelievably 40. Wow. Nice medley of stuff and his voice is great on the lower stuff. I think he needs to write some lower melodies as he struggles with the higher pitches. But as usual it's all about THE HAT.
At the end, balloons were released from the ceiling. No expense spared in Britain, ha ha. Though it was nice that the Northern Soul Dancers from Manchester and the Young Guns Choir were able to perform with Pharell and Nile. Though, Northern Soul is a Wigan thing, I feel I must add as a Wiganer.
So that is the end of a slightly awkward, unprofessional, unfunny award ceremony of the British nature. I'm not sure it worked in the O2, people had too far to walk for things and there wasn't a sense of there's the stage, there are the audience, it was sort of all around.
Anyhoo, there's the Brits. Hope you enjoyed. If you haven't seen it yet you can catch up on ITV player and I'm sure half the stuff is on YouTube etc.