Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Spiders In The Sports Bra And Other Festive Tales

Hello and welcome to a rather festive Christmas Eve edition of Rants of a Bitter Northerner. It's been a few weeks in the making and long overdue. Expect eight legged freaks, world domination and novel despair.

So let's get crackin', after all it is Christmas Eve and you all have plenty of important things to do as well as reading this blog; whether it be wrapping, last minute shopping, visiting, food preparation or getting wankered in the pub. They are all viable ways of spending your last day before Christmas.

And so to our first tale: When looking after kids finally pays off......

My last teaching day was last Thursday. I had a family of two in the morning; a private music lesson in the afternoon and a last minute babysitting in the evening. So if you look past all the crap and the changing times and changing days and cancelling sessions and bed time negotiations and tantrums, then you find the good bits.......It's a shame you have to wait all year for them but it's worth it......
  1. For all the cuddles. 
  2. For sentences such as: "Helen, I'm going to miss you."
  3. For the handmade cards with all the words written independently inside.
  4. For beautiful homemade biscuits. 
  5. For the wave from the window and how much it makes you smile. 
  6. For the torrential downpour that still doesn't stop you delivering Christmas treats even though it's a twenty minute walk.
  7. For feeling appreciated and to know that you help. 
  8. For seeing the development and achievements they make. 
  9. For the nights when babysitting involves wine, the movie Tangled and two of the most amazing little ladies ever. 
That's when it's all worth it. 

Now you're probably thinking Rants has gone soft on us during this festive time, so it's definitely time for tale two: The Trials and tribulations of Chapter 21. 

Okay, so the third edit, this year, of my long awaited - though mainly by me - novel has hit a snag and not a slight one, a freakin' huge one. It's name: The Twenties. I am really quite happy with Chapters 1-19 and 30+ but 20-29 are proving to be the biggest ball ache. I change something and then I change it back and then I question that and then I throw a strop and then......Blah blah blah it continues on and on. It's the curse of the pissin' twenties and I need help.

I think the pursuit of perfection has taken an OCD turn in that no matter what I do or what tweaks I make, I know I'm then gonna tweak them. It's a never ending tweaking freaking machine (not at all to be confused with a twerking jerking machine, dear lord no!) and I can't switch it off.

So I have made the decision to fuck Chapters 20-29 right in the ear and prepare to send off submissions in the new year. Let's face it, they are only gonna ask to read more than three chapters if they're interested and the likelihood of them being interested is slim to none, so therefore why should I be stressing the fuck out of myself in mythical chapters that no one is ever likely to read.

By the way agents, I really hope you do ask for more and in the bizarre turn of events that you do, please only ask for the next 16 chapters and we'll be fine. If you could then sign me up then you would have to accept  the 20's warts and all. Muhahahahahahaha. And then you would have to help me edit it and basically make it good for me. Yippee. Can't wait.

And so to tale three and one of terrifying proportions: Spiders in the Sports Bra. No this is not the latest book by Claire Freedman (Author of Aliens Love Underpants) it is in fact a festive trauma that makes me never want to don my sports bra again. Prepare yourselves for absolute terror. You have been warned.

So A and I are not only vowels but partners in crime. Ha ha. Made myself laugh. Anyhoo, back to the tale. A and I were packing for our trip to Italy (first year not in my home village of Standish with my parents and brother) to see his family. We decided to pack running gear to enable us to stave off the Italian feasts that were bound to make us podgy.

I should probably note here that I haven't run in about three months as I'm a lazy bitch!

So I go into my bottom drawer and pull out my stretchy pants, stretchy skirt, sports bra, fleece top and a bandana. (I always run in a bandana and a skirt, this is not the terror.) I take them to my already overflowing suitcase and start to pack them when I spot a tiny crawling creature. Thinking it is the only one, I squish it.
Yeah, yeah, whatever, gods creatures and all that bullshit but I can assure you, I am much more scared than it could ever be.

Then I spot another one, so I squish it. Then thinking it was quite weird as we never get spiders up in our lofty fifth floor flat, I opened my sports bra to find loads of them crawling around on the bloody booby holding bit. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I threw it on the floor and called for A who shoved it straight in the washing machine. Then I started to investigate the rest of my running stuff and anything with a spider on it went in the washing machine to be exterminated.

Can you imagine how grossed out I was at this point. I mean one day I may have to wear that again and all I can think is, I don't wear a bra with that, what if a spider touches my boobs? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
So A then decides we have to check the whole drawer and finds a few more. He then says in a tone he thinks is reassuring: "Oh I think a spider made a nest in here and had lots of babies." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Needless to say, that didn't help.

I did however manage to find my old sports bra devoid of crawly things and another stretchy skirt so I still was able to take a full running kit to Italy.

So, that'll teach me for not going running for so long. And if that is the punishment, I won't let it happen again. Spiders breeding in your sports bra....it's enough to make you go running every day........well not quite.

Now for my fourth and final tale: A Slow Domination of the World.

I have recently taken on a second school for music classes with under fives. The response has been huge and I almost have two full classes already. I also have a third school lined up for February time. Muhahahahahahaha. It's a slow domination but one day you will all bow to me. Or at least your kids will during a half hour of musical fun. Whoop!

I also have two picture books written and two more on the way, so expect domination of a picture book front too.

And so, whatever you're up to tonight, whether it be with friends, family, or just watching the Santa tracker - which incidentally crashed when A looked at it - enjoy yourself and make sure you're in bed before he comes otherwise he'll take those presents elsewhere. You have been warned. Oh and ladies, air out those sports bras every so often, you don't want a colony of creepy crawlies using it as a breeding ground.

Merry Christmas


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