Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Snotisms and Hungry Bottoms

So, you know when I quit my job as a Pre School Teacher - glorified bum and nose wiper, though never with the same tissue - and I thought, hooray! no more snot and nappies and being sneezed all over and being a human tissue and climbing frame. Well........

Okay, so I didn't have to look after kids anymore - technically - but then money for unpublished, freelance writers who are not at all paid for their work, really doesn't grow on trees or bushes or hedgerows or anywhere really. And when you're good at something that can make you a few bob, then you do it, regardless of the extra fluids.

Today I took two kids to the play centre where they have three floors of soft cushioned climbing stuff and two slides and ball pools, etc. I get paid for essentially being a big kid, I know, not all that bad. Both the kids had bad coughs and runny noses, as all kids do at this time of year and I was constantly wiping one then the other and back and forth.

Then they both started snurching, which not only bugs me as a sound but defeats the whole object.
I said: "Don't snurch it up, you don't want to keep it in, you want to get it out."
The four year old replied: "I won't keep it in, it will come out in my poo poo."

Cue laughter. Now it's a nice idea but it doesn't quite work that way. I like her line of thinking though.

Then a little girl was crying and I helped her down to her mum, who had no intention of climbing up to help her child and as she came past her nose was running. Cue tissue. Damn it. I'm not even getting paid for wiping this one.

Oh and the other day when we were at the rhyme time at Kentish Town Library, one of the mum's couldn't take her eyes off her kid but seemed oblivious to the fact her baby's snot was in his mouth. Come on, give it a wipe. 

So far I've been unaffected by this surge in green nose slime but I have a feeling my time will come.....soon.

Now to hungry bottoms. We all have them and we all know just what they're hungry for.......
According to my four year old charge, "My bottom is eating my knickers." Genius!

I have now started saying that instead of my knickers are up my bum. It's much better. "Oh, my bum's hungry today. It can't seem to stop eating my knickers. Greedy bugger." Love it.

Oh to think like a four year old, that your boggies if snurched up will come out in your poo. Now that would be a disgusting thought. Urgh my poo's all radioactive green. Oh it's okay I was just snurching all last night. And that our bottoms are hungry enough to eat our underwear.

Makes me laugh anyway.

Enjoy a hopefully snot free Tuesday. No snurching please.And I hope your bottom is full, or those knickers are gonna get it.


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