Constipation of the mind.

Hello! It's been a while.
Now you've heard of writers block, but this was something else: severe blog block. (I think I may have coined a term.) A.K.A Constipation of the mind.

And now, after 3 weeks it's all ready to come out. So prepare for a whole mess of crap to explode on you, though it's literary crap, not actual crap, so that's something.

So first things first, I finished my (well I think it's my 5th edit, but I'm beginning to lose count) edit of the novel yesterday, which I think has helped with my blockage. It only took 3 and a half months and despite still being around 20,000 words too long, I'm definitely on the right line. I cut out a massive ten chapters from the original, which has to count for something and hopefully with a couple of weeks away from it and then another edit and polish, I should be almost ready to consider sending it out again. It's time for some more rejections! Whoop!

In all honesty though, it just feels good to have been working on something so long (4 years, 3 months and counting) and to still feel excited about it. Let's hope I can keep it up another decade or so, because that's probably how long it will take. Though I am also lucky that it's a series so if at any point I do become frustrated, I can work on the next two books. *taps head* 'Not just a hat rack, my friends'

On a completely random note, I'd forgotten Emilio Estevez and Kristen Scott Thomas were in the first Mission Impossible, which I am watching right now, courtesy of the wonder of Netflix. I love Emilio Estevez, especially from Mighty Ducks. Ledge! And Kristen Scott Thomas in all her wondrous Englishness, shines in any film. The old school email is amazing, with a little envelope that zooms off into cyber space. He he.

Okay, enough of the film I'm watching, that you can't see. Women snore. Did you know that? It's not just men, no no, it's drunk women too. At the weekend I was at a hen do. 14 of us slept in a beautifully converted barn. The first night I didn't sleep due to dehydration, light and weird birds you don't get in London chirping at the window at 5.15. (I'd been awake since 3.15 and couldn't get back)

Then the second night I couldn't sleep due to snoring room mate. 2 hours of that and I gave up, got up and found two stragglers still drinking the night away. I've never felt quite so sober in my life, except that night in Standish that I'm not allowed to talk about (CT and JO....you know what I'm talking about.) When I came back, luckily she'd rolled over and only gave the occasional snore. But then one of the ladies upstairs started giving it some. Needless to say I could hear them through the ceiling and got about 2 hours sleep that night. How I managed to function all day Saturday and Sunday, I'll never know.

Now to inhibitions or lack of them. Now we went to Alton Towers for the hen do, which was great! I hadn't been since college about 13 years ago, so it was long overdue. But back then I'd been open to so much more. Yes I'll be shot down to hell on a trough; yes I'll let you spin me and dip be upside down and basically whatever you want to. But now it's different and peer pressure doesn't work on me. If I look at something and think, no way, then no way, I ain't going on it.

I have developed a dislike for extremely long, steep drops and spinning things, which now make me all dizzy and sick. Honestly, old age makes you boring. Ha! I went on 13 and Rita, but chickened out of Air (if I wanted to fly, I'd become a bird) and Oblivion. "Dare you ride the Oblivion and live?" No thanks. I went on that when I was 17 and it was horrible then, it isn't going to have got any better now. You are queuing to be plummeted to hell. Nemesis on the other hand is still awesome and surprisingly tame compared to 13 and Rita. I enjoyed the whole dangling feet, though I was slightly concerned that my Dr Marten dolly shoes might fall off, leaving me shoeless. Thankfully not.

We rode the Runaway Mine Train - still a classic - but it was renamed the Runaway Bride Train (see what he did there) and that was the only ride we managed to get all 14 of us on, much to the Groom's mother's delight. ha ha. Four of us went on the rapids. I wore my Nordoff Robbins (Music Therapy Charity) poncho that I got at the Half marathon last year, promoting my charity and staying mostly dry. The only downfall of the day was no one wanting to go on the log flume, because it was cold and rainy. BOOOOOO! I love the fucking log flume, it's awesome. Anyhoo, it wasn't about me and I'll get over it.

Oh by the way, the new ride opening there this month, The Smiler, looks absolutely terrible. Or 'relentless' as CT said. It looks like it would never stop, just keep spiraling and hurtling and jerking and plummeting. If that was open, I'd have chickened out of that as well. Ha!

Now I was terrified of the hen do games, but it actually turned out that I was a champion at cock hoopla. Who would have thought? 3 out of 6 rings on the cock. Yeah baby! Champion! But bollock football is extremely difficult and I would recommend more space than we had. It can get quite aggressive.

On a completely separate note, why do these special K taste different than usual? Shouldn't they always taste the same? Weird.

Only 1 episode left of Prison Break Season 4 and then the Final Break double episode. I don't know what I'll do once its finished, (except a lengthy blog detailing how amazing it is). I may be behind the times several years. I may not have watched it when it came out but these characters have become imbedded in my mind. I find myself connecting with them, analysing them and really feeling for them. That's quality writers and quality actors. I mourn the end.

The sun is shining and later I'm taking the little boy I look after, to the Transport Museum. *Giddy*. I've never been before, mainly because you have to pay a tenner, but they have an annual pass so I'll go for free with the little man. He he. Awesome! And I get paid for doing this. I love my job.

Finally, gnarled leafless trees mean more to me than beautiful cherry blossoms. What does that say about me?

Happy Thursday. Enjoy the long Bank Holiday Weekend.

Sediments of Ganache

Quote of the year so far:

 "It's not just the crumbs of the cake, it's the sediments of ganache."

A was determined to get as much from the cake tin as possible. I just love his use of the word sediments, not something I would normally associate with cake topping but it worked so well. Needless to say he enjoyed the cake and the sediments.

Spelling for the IPhone age:

"How do you spell Minnie Mouse?" Asked the 16 year old to her younger sister, probably around 8. The older sister was on her IPhone.
The little girl replied, "M-I-N-N-I-E-M-O-U-S-E.", spelling it out for her and the older girl typed it into her phone.
Is anyone else thinking, wait a minute? Shouldn't that be the other way around? And also, I'm sure she could have typed any semblance of Minnie and it would still have shown Minnie Mouse on Google. I don't get it!
This actually happened when I was out shopping with my mum. We both couldn't quite believe it and so I had to write it down. A 16 year old asking an 8 year old for spelling tips, whilst 16 year old was holding a technology that can pretty much tell you anything. Wow.

Now to terrifying events of the last week:

A children's friendly ballet production. Dear lord I've never seen quite so many children in one place before. And so many party dresses and twinkly shoes. Argh!

And as for merchandise, the extremely phallic, light up, pink fluffy wands......well, they could have at least put a star on the end of them. Honestly, they would be classic hen do props. It actually scared me a little. I mean who decided light up penis' were the way forward for an afternoon ballet performance?

And finally, the ending. I mean, "And they all lived happily ever after." Are we still sprouting that bullshit to kids? Really? I thought they might have come up with something better by now. No wonder half the kids were like, "Why has it finished?" "What happened?" "I want more."
We all want more little cherubs. Believe me, we all want more.

Continuing with terrifying events:

We went to see Dark Skies at the cinema last night and it was pretty darn good actually. Nice small part from Juno's dad and some pretty creepy stuff. There was quite a bit of sinking down in your seat and hiding and as A rightly said, "They actually made aliens scary."

But even the creepy, non music at the end (just a weird cycle of the sounds they would hear when the aliens were doing stuff to them) wasn't the scariest bit. When we were leaving I turned around to see only one guy left on the back row, the aisle seat, but I couldn't see his face. (They also hadn't put the lights on.) Yes I realise I probably had post film paranoia, but I actually couldn't see his face at all. So I shit myself a bit and then followed A, knowing we would have to pass him on our way out. (Camden Odeon - Screen 5) But as we walked past him and I realised he did have a face, I kept thinking, oh God, he's gonna get up or he's gonna grab me. After we'd passed him there were a few steps down to the exit door and I kept looking behind me, sure he would be hot on our tail. And then as soon as we exited the door, I screamed, pushed A down the rest of the stairs and burst into hysterical laughter.

Scary film + crazy imagination + plus post film paranoia = seeing things that aren't there + shitting yourself up.

Now that's maths!

It wasn't all bad though - despite the soggy Camden walk home - because there was time for a little porn for myself. Yes, yes, yes! Walking past the Irregular Choice shop, knowing you can't afford any of the shoes and dribbling on the window. That's some serious girl porn for you. Oh baby!

And now to sleep patterns and waking up singing that stupid song off the stupid Sony advert:

I seem to have fallen into that weird sleep pattern again, where it takes me around an hour and a half to get to sleep, once I'm in bed. I'm tossing and turning and thinking and annoyingly still waking up at least once in the early hours, sometimes twice. Also, A gets up around 6.30, whereas my alarm is safely set for 8.00 most days, so sleep is alluding me at the moment. Or I'm getting little bits here and there. And I keep dreaming of random people, some of whom I haven't seen in donkey's years. I'm talking sixth form college, uni, occasionally high school. I mean, what the feck? Why is my head dredging up a backlash of crap from years ago? Like that's gonna help me sleep.

And to make matters worse, I keep waking up singing that stupid song off the stupid Sony advert. Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Argh!

Lack of sleep does strange things to us and I don't think it will improve this weekend as A is away two nights at a stag do. Will try not to move bedding to the couch and live there for three days, but I can't guarantee anything.

And finally to chunky thighs:

I'm not talking chicken, I'm talking thighs to rival Beyonce's. Dear lord, whoever thought sitting on your ass at a computer all day instead of running round after 20 kids would leave you slightly chunky and unfit? All of you? Well yeah, me too! And it's happened but luckily I'm on it. Two workouts a week, possibly a jog if the weather's nice enough and an attempt to eat slightly less. This is not just Bridesmaid preparation, this is for me, because when you can barely contain your thighs in your jeans, it's time to shave off a couple of inches.
(Especially as finding jeans for me usually takes around two years, so replacing jeans is a tricky business. Not least of all because the choices are limited to skinny, ridiculously skinny and painted on. I will not wear jeans unless they are flared or wide leg and no, freakin' bootcut won't cut it. They're pathetic and actually have no room for boots. They lie.) Sorry, what was I ranting about?????

Anyhoo, I'm on it. I won't let myself balloon. I won't be the stereotypical writer with a bar of chocolate on hand and an ass that can't get out of the chair. I won't!

I should probably go, I've warbled on enough for one day. Teaching this afternoon. Shame it's so grey and miserable. Ah well. As they say, "Drip, drip, drop little April showers."

The Sarky Traveller. Santa Monica and Venice Beaches. Los Angeles.

Hello fellow travellers. When we last met I was taking you on a whirlwind tour of Downtown LA and now I'm going to discuss a pleasant afternoon/evening's worth of sights around the coast.

All The Sarky Traveller blogs now have a new home on thesarkytraveller.blogspot.com

LA has so much to offer, not least of all it's Downtown and inland areas, but with a West Coast line stretching far and wide and some of the best weather, you're guaranteed a pleasant trip to the sea, no matter what time of year you go. (Unlike Blackpool or any British Seaside resort where you are guaranteed rain, chilly winds and the occasional appearance of the sun - if you're lucky.)

Again, my holidays always have an element of speed tourism. We have to fit in as much as we can in a short space of time, which obviously involves a lot of compromise, but also leaves us plenty to do when we inevitably return. (We love the US!) So, with the beaches, we had to make a decision: Stay closer to town and investigate Santa Monica and Venice; or shimmy further afield to Malibu or South to Long Beach.

Now for us it really was no question: two for the price of one, that gets you extra points when speed touring. And besides I had very negative - probably completely unfounded - views about Malibu. In my head it is lots of women with tiny waists and mahoosive fake boobs, with died blonde hair, wearing roller skates and tiny denim shorts. (I realise this may have been influenced by Baywatch....possibly....) And the men are all arrogant posers, wearing wife beaters and small neon coloured shorts, or even worse, no tops at all.  Eeeshk. But as I never went there, I can't say for certain. That's just how it exists in my head.

Long Beach was just too far out of our way and so we opted for the uber cool if slightly seedy Venice Beach and the really beautiful Santa Monica. (Two for the price of one.) They join in to one another but the distance is further than you think. So unless you have many hours to walk up to Santa Monica pier and back to Venice (or vice versa depending on where you park) then I suggest hiring a bike. They have such a wonderful bike path meandering along next to the sand, with plenty to see, do, stop off at, eat and drink along the way.

 The iconic lifeguard stations. Act out your favourite Baywatch fantasy. Pretend you're running to save someone's life with your little red float and your swimming costume riding up so high you give yourself a front and back wedgie. (No really, it's fun!)

A sweeping look from Venice, all the way to Santa Monica Bay and Malibu.

There are various bike hire places in Venice and Santa Monica. They are super reasonable. You can hire for a little as an hour and as long as a whole day. You can also gain useful things like a padlock for them and helmets, all at small additional costs. Some things are just a deposit and you get it back once you return, the padlock for definite. Others are a flat fee, non returnable. But all in all it is the best way to speedily soak up as much LA coast as you can in a short time. And the bike path is spectacular. 

It follows the coast, sometimes right on the sand, other times shimmying inland slightly. There are parks to stop off at; gyms; playgrounds; cafes; restaurants. You pass by volley ball nets, amazing beach front houses, in all crazily kookie designs and of course the iconic and tremendously beautiful Santa Monica Pier. You also pass by the Venice Boardwalk which runs parallel to the cycle path for a short time and you later pass over to the Santa Monica part of the beach, with various places to disembark and explore, including 3rd Street Promenade, which I will come to later.

 Santa Monica Pier, complete with Roller coaster and Big Wheel.

 Anyone for a game of volleyball? Maybe not in this wind.

Some funky houses. All colours. All shapes. All sizes. Only God knows how much they cost.

Just a brief heads up. If you know in advance you're going to cycle - which I did not - then wear shorts or something which will not enable you to flash to all and sundry. (Of course this is a girly notion. Boys wear whatever you like just make sure the balls are strapped in.)  I wore a dress and flashed to just about everyone. Ah well. It's not like I'm going to see anyone again. Besides, who'd want to gander at the pasty, freckled Brit when there were plenty of American Beauties out there. 

The cycle can take as long or as short as you need it to. You can stop off along the way, just watch when you do stop in the cycle lane as it is a very popular way of getting around and not everyone is laid back and taking it easy. If in doubt ring your bell and check your blind spot, you'll be fine. It will probably take about 20 minutes to cycle there and is around 2 and a half miles from Venice to Santa Monica Pier. 

 On the pier. And the end of the famous Route 66. There's a shop dedicated to Route 66 as well, at the end of the pier.

 Looking along the pier. There are food stalls, an amusement park, restaurants, cafes and other shops.

Looking back along the beach to Venice in the distance.

There are plenty of places to lock up the bikes and head for an explore on the pier. And you might even get friendly with a local.

 The Pelican posing for photos. He was there for ages and there was a queue of people waiting to have their picture taken with him, though most kept their distance. He was a rather big chap.

 Mr Seagull and a view of Santa Monica.

If you go out of season as we did, then definitely take advantage of a ride or two at Pacific Park. They will let you stay on for a free ride and they limit what's open so you don't have to make huge decisions. I think there was only four rides open when we went and we took advantage of two of them: The Roller coaster (which compared to The Manhattan Express in Vegas or come to that The Caterpillar ride at Camelot - Chorley, Lancashire, England - was nothing.) and the Pirate Ship which swings you high, so high you feel you're never going to come back down, or you may lose your stomach on the way back. Hilarious though, especially when there's only like three people on each ride. 

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Evil pirate ship thing. The little girl on the other end couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop laughing.

So, once you've taken in the delights of the pier, you of course have the option to keep going on the cycle path. Apparently there's around 22 miles of the stuff. But if like us, you have time restrictions then maybe head on into Santa Monica and check out the town itself. If you like to shop then 3rd Street Promenade is a lovely wide-laned, pedestrian street, with lots of shops, cinemas, restaurants and department stores. But it has such a different feel to a mall. There's so much space and you experience that thrill of being close to the sea, even if you can't see it. It's definitely a cool place to while away a couple of hours.

 Cool Italian restaurant, with plenty of alfresco dining possibilities.

 The dinosaurs of 3rd street Promenade. Well worth a look.

 Expect buskers and some nice street entertainment.

 The palm lined, pedestrian promenade.

                                     

I love that they have these magazine selling places in America. You can get a magazine about pretty much anything. Amazing!

 Trees and flowers and space to sit and enjoy the early evening.

 I couldn't resist Mr Triceratops as well, sitting on his little mound.

3rd Street Promenade ends in a small mall of chains and department stores, again with palms. 

So, after a little shopping detour, or of course a cinema or eating detour, then it's time to head off back to Venice beach to return the bikes. You pay the full balance when you return, so it doesn't matter if you take more than expected, they just charge you by the hour. It's very flexible and laid back, just as you imagine California to be. 

Once back at Venice, you have to walk the slightly seedy, often wacky and sometimes down right creepy, Boardwalk. Oh but please not at night. Definitely before the sun goes down. And for those Tenacious D fans out there, think, The Pick of Destiny when they're busking in the early years. He he. 

 The Venice Outdoor Gym. For all those posers who want to exercise in front of the masses.

 This is California! The amount of Green Physicians along the Boardwalk was amazing. Are you sure you don't want some pot? No really, make up an excuse, we'll give you some! Ha ha.

Not forgetting Botox on the Beach, right next door to your Marijuana supplier. Genius!

 There's lots of interesting artwork and graffiti, as well as this stunning Van Gogh copy.

And if you get time for a walk around Venice or at least a quick photograph on the drive out of Venice, watch out there are lots of interesting sights and buildings.

Venice is wacky, it's big, it's in your face and it's fun and colourful. It is also full of interesting people but also some shady people. As I said before, in the daytime it's a hove of excitement, food, shopping, busking and what looks like people too young to be doctors, offering you medical marijuana. But by night it could be quite scary. I don't recommend a stroll after sundown, we are talking serious drugs and no polite doctors issuing them out. It's almost like a beach front Camden, with much better weather.

Santa Monica was definitely the highlight for me, but it's so interesting how two neighbouring areas can be so different. LA really is so much more than I thought it would be and there seems to be a niche for everyone. Somewhere that you could feel at home within its monstrous sprawl. Even pasty English people with allergies to the sun can actually enjoy a seaside experience and enjoy a bike ride. If only all cycle paths were like that. 

When returning to your hotel/place to stay/friend's house/restaurant/etc, just watch out for the traffic. They aren't lying when they say LA has some of the busiest highways. Most of them are 6 lanes across each way and most of them are chockablock!

That's all for now. Join me next time when I'll be exploring the joys of Universal Studios, Halloween Horror Nights and The Griffith Observatory.

The Sarky Traveller

Qualifications and screens on bins.

Blog (Rants) 30/3/13

Wow! How dead is London on a Bank Holiday? Amazing. I didn't take Good Friday off, so I was writing all morning and teaching in the afternoon. Getting to my lesson was lovely. There were no people, barely any traffic. If only every Friday could be like that. So calm and pleasant.

I used my Barclaycard for a contactless payment on the bus yesterday. Dig me for stepping into the 21st Century. Finally. (I guess it had to happen sometime.) I only had £1.20 left on my oyster card and couldn't be arsed finding somewhere to top up and annoyingly you need £1.40 for a single bus journey. Buggers. So of course I didn't have much choice. I had to step into the portal that briefly transported me to the 21st Century. I had a slight panic and asked the driver, "Did it work?" And then I slunk back into my little 20th Century hovel, where I feel safe.

Oh, there are random bins with screens on along Holborn. How bizarre. They are sponsored by the CBS Outdoor, I think and actually they are quite useful. They show a clock, the tube status update and then a few adverts and back to the clock again. I do kind of wonder how long they'll last without being vandalised and if they will put them anywhere else, but little old fashioned me, thought it was a nice idea, the clock and tube update especially.

Had a disastrous start to my journey back North for Easter. This morning as I took the tube to Euston the driver says, just as we pull up to Euston, "Euston station has been evacuated. I will not be stopping at Euston." If he'd have said at the stop before, I could have jumped out and got a bus. But instead I have to jump off at Warren Street, not even sure if the station will be open or my train there and peg it down to Euston. With around 15 minutes till my train. Eek.

When I get there, along with quite a few other hurried passengers, the trains are all boarding and the station hadn't been evacuated. So it must have just been the tube station, or they sorted out the problem pretty sharpish.  Slightly stressful as well as early start to Easter Saturday, but hey I'm almost home and it's only 8.50am.

And now to the main rant. Qualifications. A word that often makes me want to throttle someone. So I go for my final teaching class of the week and one of the parents starts asking if she can pay me with childcare vouchers as I'm a qualified teacher. I said, "No I'm not." I have never claimed to be that. So then she said I didn't need to be fully qualified but my Montessori classification would count. "I'm not Montessori trained." Again, something I never claimed to be. So then, obviously not seeing where this was going, she said that whatever childcare qualifications I had would suffice. "Er, yeah, I don't have any formal qualifications in childcare." No just 7 years classroom experience. 2 and half years as a room leader. 4 years as a SENCo and the fact that I was damn good at my job.

"Fraud." She joked. But this is not much of a joke for me. I never announced I was something I wasn't. I never lied and said I had Montessori training. In fact most parents new I didn't but it ain't rocket science and I learned a lot from past teachers and colleagues. Still, the fact that this was being brought up now, when I no longer work in that field ticked me off no end.

Half the time qualifications aren't worth the paper they are written on. And if they don't have practical experience at applying those learned skills to something real then they are no better than anyone else.

Take my music degree. I got a 1st, granted only scraped through due to lowered grade boundaries that year, but it doesn't say that on my certificate. It also says Popular Music and Recording as the title of my degree, which it was, but I know very little of recording as I chose the performance pathway. Again, it doesn't say that so someone could look at that and think, wow she's good with Popular Music and Recording....Misleading. It also doesn't say that I owe my high mark to my written work (dissertation and business plan) which was great, whereas my performance mark was mediocre.

What I'm trying to say is that people could look at my certificate and say wow she must be an awesome musician but it says nothing of my insecurities on stage, or the fact that there are loads of things I am crap at.
Anyhoo, back to childcare: I get riled up when people harp on about being an unqualified member of childcare staff, or should I say a member of staff with an abundance of practical experience. People seem to think that holding an NVQ or whatever makes you instantly better than someone that doesn't and that can well be true. But if they can't back up that knowledge with practical skills; enthusiasm; actually liking children (believe me this has been a problem in the past) being able to relate to children and flexibility.....then what's the point.

I had parents begging management to change to my key worker group. At one point I had 15 key children and most of these parents didn't know of my qualifications. If they asked I would tell them but otherwise they knew I had a Masters degree in Music and that I loved working with their kids and that was enough. But when past parents ask me and I say have no formal qualifications, they have this air of disappointment. Does it change anything I've done for your children? Does it make me any less good at my job? Does it change the level of education and care they have received? Does it change their experience?

No. Because kids don't give a stuff about a piece of paper. They want to be loved and cared for. They want to have fun in a stimulating environment. They want someone to play Pirates with and create play dough aliens with. They want someone who'll read epic stories and sing and giggle and shout and laugh. Kids need to see the reality of that qualification or a natural affection and passion that shines through everything you do.  They need to see that this person is actually good with children.

Anyhoo, whilst I was teaching my class, the three parents in the other room, discussed this in depth. (Lovely) And they came to the conclusion that maybe it doesn't matter if you have a qualification if you are naturally good at what you do and you have that passion and drive. And so they came to the conclusion that it didn't matter.

Well, thanks for that!

Urgh!

Anyway, I had a new picture book idea that I've written and need to hone before I can think about getting someone to illustrate, but that's quite weird and fun. And I'm up to Chapter 25 of the re-edit of my first novel, which was originally Chapter 34. Whoop! I've shaved off a good 9 chapters. Get in! Perhaps 12-15 Chapters to go? If I could make it no more than 40 Chapters I would be happy with that.

Next stop Wigan, so I'd better skoot. Happy Easter weekend everyone. It's sunny! Whoop!

Rants.

P.S My tenses are all over the place in this blog. Oooops.

P.P.S I am not detracting from people that have relevant qualifications I'm just saying you need something more than a piece of paper. You need something inside you. You need to be able to bring those learned skills into a real situation.

Okay. End of rant.

An ode to the kitchen.

Ah, my dear kitchen.
How I love thee.
Despite you being roughly 2 metres square.
How I love to bake cookies in there.
And cakes of fruit and sponge,
And one day, maybe Rhubarb gunge. (Yes it is a real thing)

It is a place of creation, of smells and tastes,
A tiny fridge freezer, but no waste.
A place of innovation, a place without limit.
A gingerbread man timer and ladybird trivet.

Silicone bakeware, muffin cases and cutters.
A tiny fridge filled with Lurpak butters. (On offer in Tesco)
More gadgets per cubic feet,
You're always sure of a treat.
Just check the tins on top of the microwave.
You never know what might be in them.
Today gingernuts, tomorrow apple cake.
The next day, they are likely gone.

Minimal work tops and limited space,
Not many could cope with this tiny little place.
But dancing around in my kitchen all grace,
In my slippers and PJ's, there's no disgrace.

I use the microwave as a mirror,
To do my hair, it's so much clearer,
It's so much more than a food heater,
The wooden spoons are drum stick beaters,
The whisk has no handle but still whisks well
But I can't throw it away, who knows, pray tell
When I will find another that whisks so well.

The constant line of washing up.
Waiting to be cleaned, is that my cup?
Green Fairy liquid, gooey and slimy
A lovely yellow scourer and crusted on food, cor blimey.
A spice rack above, the washing machine below,
A kettle and toaster that decided to blow.
RIP Reginald, stupid flammable raisin.

Who would have thought a hot cross bun could cause a fire.
And ruin my toaster with it's funeral pyre.
But alas Reginald is no more.
He only toasts one side, which becomes a tiresome bore.
And so we bid you adieu and say farewell.
We will never forget the toast you toasted so well.
Goodbye my red and black friend.
An ode to my kitchen
And now it's the end.



Don't worry. I won't give up the day job. I will most definitely not be turning to poetry, though I think you'll agree what a fabulous job I just did. Ha!

I really have lost the wonderful Reginald (Yes I named my toaster Reginald, what's the problem?) to a rogue raisin on a suicide mission. Why do these things always happen when A is away and then it makes me feel like I'm incapable of looking after myself or the flat? Although, I did put the fire out very carefully and calmly, after the initial shock of, Oh Dear Lord, Reginald's on fire.  And I cleaned it out and carried on using it. It's alright, you just turn the bread over half way through and it toasts both sides.

Time to get ready for my Wednesday run. Feeling chilly just thinking about it. Let's hope it hurts a little less than last week.

The Sarky Traveller: LA 1: Downtown in 5 hours

It's been a while, fellow travellers, but Rants has been ranting a lot lately and it's just easier to let her have at it. Breaking her mid rant is not advised.

All The Sarky Traveller blogs now have a new home on thesarkytraveller.blogspot.com

So as promised here is LA in several instalments, starting with the speed tourism of Downtown. Now ideally, if you are taking the lengthy journey to LA, I would advise a couple of days to do Downtown as there is actually a lot of stuff to see and it is well spread out. They say you need a car to live in LA; they weren't lying. A car is essential, though they do have a subway service as well as buses and light railway services. Public Transport is fine for shorter journies but a rented car is just easier and you can pick up from the airport or various places in LA, and it is really cheap, especially if you book in advance!

A great starting point for a venture in Downtown, is union station. There are various small and reasonably priced parking areas around there and you are a stones throw from the El Pueblo de Los Angeles, which is awesome!

The beautiful exterior of Union Station, with it's towering arches and bold white clock tower, flanked of course by bandy legged palms. Welcome to LA!

But its when you get inside to explore, that the magic really happens. It's Art Deco furnishings, all tiles and marble and mosaics, give it such a feeling of grandeur and luxury, that it almost doesn't feel like you're in a train station at all. There are gardens on either side, with fountains, more mosaics and an array of flowers and plants most Britains would only see in a visit to The Eden Project or Kew Gardens.

And what is even better.........This is rush hour on a Wednesday in October. Wow, the rush!

It's so chilled and relaxing in there, I urge you just to spend a few minutes in one of the famous seats (famous to me from the TV series Alias) and read a book or just sit and people watch, or just enjoy the inevitable Californian sun shining through those windows shedding light on the beauty of this remarkable building. For those TV buffs, it has also been used in 24 and lots of films too and you can see why. So if you want to be Jack Bauer saving the world or be Sydney Bristow and Vaughn having a secret meeting, pretending they don't know each other, back to back on the seats........We did not do this by the way....No no. 

Okay, the long and short of it is:

• Union Station is beautiful

• Go there if only for ten minutes to walk around

• Soak up the Art Deco furnishings

• Sit in the very comfortable seating area

• Grab a coffee

• If you have time act out your favourite Union Station moment

Now just across the road is the El Pueblo de Los Angeles, home to the oldest buildings in LA, celebrating not only the Mexican cultures of the families that founded it, but also the Chinese, Italian and French that arrived afterwards.  It is a tiny area crammed between two streets but there is so much to see.

Shown here are the Old Plaza Firehouse, which is open daily and free to look around. Expect fire helmets through the ages and some interesting pre-engine Fire engines. You can also see Pico House which was LA's first three storey structure and used to be a hotel. Now it houses various art exhibitions. Where the trees are is the Old Plaza, a central square (or circle in this case) with bandstand and benches. Lots of interesting cultural events happen here.

Fire Helmets through the Ages

The Old Plaza

Now, also in the Firehouse is a lovely group of volunteers that offer free tours of the Pueblo for anyone and everyone. Our tour guide Marilyn was so sweet and even though she had a tour to do in half an hour, she still fit us in with a brief walking tour and gave us lots of options for our continued exploration of Downtown. Lovely, friendly, helpful people and free free tours! They are local people with a great knowledge of El Pueblo and the local area. So ask your questions, ask advice on the best place to eat, they are more than happy to help and share their experiences.

Now if you were unlucky enough to find no tours or helpful people, then El Pueblo is more than small enough to navigate yourself around and has plenty to look at. Olvera Street Market is a great place to soak up the Mexican culture, with stalls bursting with colour and creativity, smiles, delicious smells and interesting gifts. There are plenty of opportunities to grab a bite of Mexicana with taco stands and restaurants with waiters in traditional dress, or more low key cafes where you can grab hot tamales, rice and beans for about $7. Yum!

Also along Olvera street is the oldest house in LA - Avila Adobe 1818. This is free to get in and free talks are given by local people dressed in period dress, discussing life in the 1940's and the history of the house.

It's kind of fun to just wander the market and soak up the interesting architecture and the way they have retained the original character of the buildings but kept them fresh and interesting.

Also along Olvera Street is Sepulveda House containing the El Pueblo visitors centre and America tropical, a controversial and extremely rare mural by Mexican artist David Alfaro Siqueiros, charting the exploitation of Mexican workers.

Ending up back at Old Plaza, if you're lucky enough to be there end of October/beginning of November then you are likely to encounter some sort of Day of the Dead festivities. Now, gloomy as it sounds, this is big, colourful and completely takes over El Pueblo. We managed to catch a dance rehearsal and bought some interesting souvenirs and cards. (Watch out for the Day of the Dead Wedding cards....brilliant!)

So now, leaving the Pueblo you can already see the iconic tower of City Hall, seen in so many TV shows and films and such a beautiful building. For many years it was the tallest building in LA. You get the sense from this picture that things are close by, but it's all an illusion. Still, if there's one thing I like to do, it's to get to grips with a new city and walk around, especially with that sun beating down on me.

It is possible to enter the rotunda and take a free tour of City Hall. Alas we didn't have time, but it's definitely on the list for next time. (So many free tours. The city of LA really doesn't want you to pay for anything. Amazing!)

 

Okay, so City Hall is one of my favourite buildings in LA. So here are two more shots. There's just something about it. So striking and I love that it isn't surrounded by buildings that out tower it, or out beauty it in any way. It's just allowed to breathe and be. (Okay, next time I am definitely going in. They might not get me out again.)

Wandering the massive streets of Downtown, you get a sense of the size of the place. It may only be a tiny area of the City of LA, but it would take hours to walk the streets and take in all the sights. Still, once you are walking there are plenty of interesting/slightly geeky sights to see. I especially enjoyed seeing The Sister Cities Sign and saying, "Oh, I've been there." Or, "Ooo, I want to go there." And there are a lot of them.

For any Offspring fans out there, you will have to physically force yourself to stop singing 'LAPD' as you walk past the LAPD building. It's not worth it, trust me. Though by all means sing along in your head and smile. Their building is ultra modern actually and across the road from an equally modern and also kind of weird Transport building:

LAPD

Weird!

Then if you take a turn on West 1st Street, you can swing by The LA Times building, take another free tour or if you don't have time then you can just check out the free exhibit on the ground floor. Cool building and it's interesting to see how the paper has evolved in the 21st Century. 

Continuing up West 1st street you finally get a glimpse of the cluster of high rises comprising the banking district. Such a well seen view, though usually more aerial then ground level. Think Alias, Chuck, Numbers, 24, anything set in LA really and you'll know what I'm talking about.

On the corner of 1st Street and Grand Avenue you meet the Music Centre and the Walt Disney Hall, home of the LA Philharmonic Orchestra and an architectural beauty.

Wow!

Head inside even if there's nothing showing because guess what? You can get a free tour. It's a self guided tour. All you have to do is sign in as a visitor and get your wonderful sticker and set off. It's all about angles and space and shape and light. And it is truly magnificent. The very asymmetry of it is strangely stabilising but there was no way I could get my head around it. Magic?

There's a roof top balcony type thing, as well as gardens, an out door amphitheatre, gift shop and cafe. Sadly, unless it is a performance you are not permitted in the actual performance space but if you're speed touring then this is enough to give you a thirst for more. (Next time we'll take in a show).

Oh and watch out for 'wannabe' actors and models having photo shoots dressed in tight dresses and ridiculously high heels. It's obviously a great place to be photographed! Plus it made me giggle.

All about the angles!

Taking Grand Avenue South, you head towards the high rise district and LA's lovely little cluster of giants. I love that it's not all high rise, that there are all these spaces and smaller buildings. It really creates such a different feeling than say New York where everything just feels so big and domineering. LA is a huge place but it has all these pockets of air, these spaces to breathe and you never know what's going to be around the next corner.

Along Grand Avenue is the Museum of Contemporary Art and The Wells Fargo History Museum. But it's mainly all about the modern giants, eating away at the sky, making you feel exactly what you are, tiny and insignificant, just another ant in the colony.

I love this reflection!

Combination of shapes and angles.

The Heli Pad building from Alias (AKA US Bank Tower)

I actually went in the lobby. He he. Giddy. And sad, I know but it was literally on every episode in Alias. you see it and it's like, wow, where's Sydney? Oh wait, she's probably on mission somewhere. (By the way, I do understand it's not real, but my mind is a warp of fantasy and it's fun to live there.)

Take West 5th street to see The Central Library and Bunker Hill Steps, two beautiful staples of Downtown. The Library has free tours which usually take around an hour and fifteen minutes. They are super interesting but we had no where near this much time, so we asked for a twenty minute one and got fifty minutes. Those lovely Americans really do love to talk. But it was really cool, especially for a writer. American libraries are just so much nicer than most of our libraries. Honestly, I would probably live in Kentish Town Library if it looked like LA Central Library, so grand and again, luxurious!

The Library

It's beautiful tower top

I liked the inscription.

The entrance.

I won't ruin the tour for you as it is actually really interesting, but there are a few awesome sights that you shouldn't miss:

The original torch from the roof.

 

The 48 light bulbs for the 48 states at the time it was made.

The new atrium with crazy mobiles.

 An amazing use of the now discarded, card catalogue filing system. They fill the lift shaft so that when you are moving you see them all. I even managed to focus on a very British one: Shakespeare. As our tour guide said, you always find something relative to you.

We just had a little time to wander the streets to find a taxi to take us back to the car and whilst doing so saw some classic American architecture. It's all about the fire escapes. And we even managed to catch a glimpse of China Town through the cab window.

There is still a lot to see in Downtown, least of all China Town and Little Tokyo. But also gems such as Grand Central Market, the Museum of Neon Art (no I'm not kidding and that sounds awesome!) and the LA Live centre, with music venues, sports and entertainment. But if you have a very short time, I've proven you can see and do much and on an extremely small budget. We only paid parking, lunch and taxi. Everything was free, all the tours and places of interest. It's great! I honestly wasn't sure I would like LA but from that first few hours in Downtown, I loved it! The people, the vibe, the mix of old and new. The architecture, the innovation and the beauty. And that was such a small segment of a massive City. 

Now, in terms of places to stay. LA is huge so you just want to find something suitable for you. If you want to be nearer the beaches, then go for it. Check out the usual air b'n'b, hotels.com and lastminute.com. There are always deals and with air b'n'b you often get whole apartments to yourself. We stayed in Echo Park area which was phenomenal and you got to wake up to views over the whole City. Amazing! If you can stay on higher ground it just gives you that lift and makes you feel out of the City, yet still close enough you can touch it. 

Watch out for the temperature fluxes. It gets very chilly at night, especially out of the confines of the 'Inner

City'. So no matter what time of year you go, make sure you have a decent jumper. I ended up wearing the jumper I'd taken for the East Coast - was not expecting to need it. It almost has that desert mentality. Extremes of temperature.

Now that's all for Downtown but next time I'll be reporting on two of LA's most fabulous beaches. I hope this inspires you to visit. It honestly shocked me. I never thought I could fall for a place like LA. (Genuine sentiment, no sarcasm!)

The Sarky Traveller