Body Malfunction

Being ill at a wedding is not fun. Feeling sick from the sight, smell and thought of food is not fun. The idea of a sip of wine or beer making you heave is just down right cruel. Being stone cold sober and uncomfortable the whole day......super!

Yes this weekend was wedding number 3 of the year and my second wedding abroad, this time in Denmark. The parentals were also present with the first time my mum had her own passport and only her second time of leaving the UK. So it was all very momentous. All I wanted to do was enjoy their special day, be a part of it and eat and drink and be merry. My body had other ideas............

Really conveniently, about 6 hours before the wedding I felt and I quote, 'A bit dodgy.' Then after that I became, weak, achy, developed an inability to eat, became shaky, tired and needed to be sick but knew I wouldn't be. Sometimes it really isn't fun having an iron stomach. Sometimes you think just be sick for fucks sake and then I'll feel better. But instead my body says, 'I can keep it in. Aren't you proud?' Not exactly. I feel like shit and I have to wear a tight dress and pretend I feel fine for the next 12 hours.

Anyhoo, the church service was tricky because yes I could sit down (a good thing) but inside was super hot (not a good thing) and at first I was pressed against a wall, the furthest from any possible exit (disastrous). Before the service started I just had enough time to shimmy past and make everyone shuffle down so I could be on the aisle seat ready to make a quick get away if vomit called.

Relieved and thrilled to be outside again - after a lovely service I might add - in the fresh air, I then had to battle with standing because when your body is shaking and you feel like you may collapse at any moment, upholding a delicate air and grace is chuffing difficult. Like I've ever upheld a delicate air and/or grace. But there were only 8 Brits there and I didn't want to let the side down.

Maintaining an upright position, I even managed to chat to a few people, feign some smiles and be on the group pictures. It's surprising what you can do when you ignore the voices in your head. Crumble. Sit. Fall down. Throw up. ........And faint. No. No. No!

So off to the Champagne reception we went and it was in the bride's uncle's restaurant. Very cute but the fishy smell was playing havoc with my ability to keep things in, if you know what I mean. Sadly no champagne for me - I can feel the shocked faces glaring, the noise of a thousand collective gasps - I was on lemonade at this point and I couldn't eat my cupcake either. Boo! Stupid body of mine.

We then had a short time to kill before the evening reception and a long night of speeches and songs and entertainment and eventually dancing and merriment. But all I could think was: pyjamas, couch, blanket, sleep. So the four of us (A, my parentals and me) went back to the holiday flat we were staying in - literally a stone's throw away - and had fifteen minutes. Shoes off, an A foot rub, eyes closed, glass of water and some ibuprofen. Man that fifteen minutes went quickly.

So the village hall beckoned and it was beautifully set out, every little detail accounted for. The Brits had translations of the Danish menu, everything colour co-ordinated and once again I had to turn down a glass of wine. (CT would be sad). I was doing alright, despite prolonged standing, but I had A to lean on and keep me upright, and then they started putting out the starters. Uh-oh.

I knew I wouldn't be able to eat any of it as soon as I saw it, which is such a pain in the ass because normally I'd have lapped it up. Plus I also had this fear of coming across as a fussy Brit. I'm not fussy, I just feel like poo. Anyway, chatting to others successfully took my mind off how crap I felt and seemed to distract everyone to the fact I hadn't eaten, so much so that I passed mine to A and J and chomped on a bit of bread roll.

Glass of water after glass of water went in but other than my half a bread roll, nothing foody went in. Like I said though, nice people and pleasant conversation can really distract you and because I was sat down a lot except for the toasts and cheers, I was coping well with balance and stability. The speeches went on from around 6.30-11.30 and pretty much anyone was allowed to speak, sing, perform, play a prank, involve you in a sing-a-long or make a game. Really interesting and lovely way of involving loved ones. Actually quite liked the fact that the bride, bride's mother, bride's grandmother and lots of other women spoke. You don't get that traditionally in Britain. But the Danes really know speech equality.

Around the time of the main meal I was starting to feel better but not wanting to push my luck, so still no alcohol (wah!) and nothing too exciting food wise. I settled for some meat, (no sauces which was a shame because apparently the 'gravy was amazing!' - not that it was called gravy but us northerners do have a love of the stuff and this was pretty similar.) and potatoes, which went down and stayed down. After that A said I looked better which obviously meant I looked shit before but at least he had the love and respect not to tell me about it.

That was about the time the dress started to become a little uncomfortable and the amount of water I'd ingested was ballooning the old stomach, so much so that I probably looked about 4 months pregnant. Shit.
Ah, at least I was sat down for most of it. (Water bump hidden under table.) I tried a bit of dessert but then the body started rejecting the food and deterioration was on the horizon.

Sadly we had to leave around 12.30 and the party was hardly even starting. There were hot dogs to come later (supper at 1am) and a cocktail bar but I was just about ready to collapse and had a super long day and early morning planned. The Danes really know how to party though and I'm sure there were probably still going when we got up at 6am.

I'd like to thank my body for it's complete malfunction. It really made my weekend special. Though if it does it again at wedding number 4 on Saturday I'm giving up and trading in for a new one. The weirdness continued up until mid afternoon on Sunday (yesterday) and then I gradually felt much better. Bizarre.

I might have been slightly quieter than usual and sober but I had a fantastic time and I didn't throw up at all, though it might have made me feel better if I had. What a great wedding and some really cool traditions. My favourite being banging you plates with cutlery and that means the bride and groom have to stand on a chair and kiss. If you stamp your feet on the floor they have to kiss under the table. And also if the bride leaves the room all the girls in the room kiss the groom. And vice versa. Bizarrely wonderful. Might try some of these out at CT's wedding on Saturday. Ha ha. Not sure they'll go down well.

Anyhoo, enough whinging about being ill. Now I'm just exhausted and have only 2 hours till first music class of the term. Be gentle with me kids!

A pleasant Monday to you all.

Rants