Friday, May 31, 2013

Disaster Movie Drinking Games and Other Random Crap

Okay, so it's 4am and instead of lying next to A in bed - as he leaves in less than four hours for a flight to Washington - I'm on the couch with my 4th pint of water attempting to hydrate myself and regulate my temperature.

So weird that I woke up at 3.15 completely dehydrated when no alcohol was consumed. Usually I wake up in the night needing the toilet but then go straight back to sleep. Today: not so much. I gulped down 3 pints of water very quickly but I was also way too hot in bed and even with covers kicked off and pyjamas rolled up, I couldn't cool down enough to sleep. I think it's safe to say I'm coming down with A's lurgy from last week. My throat's been all scratchy for a day or so and my nose is feeling blocked.

Whoopee! Ill and alone for a week. (Ha ha. Attempting to generate sympathy). Though not to worry, I am northern and female. We are a stoic bunch!

And so I apologise for the 2 week gap in blogs, though I do appreciate the huge amount of views of the Eurovision blog. Cheers for that. I do love Eurovision. It's so ridiculous, yet heartwarming, yet terrifying at the same time, especially when you realise how much your country is hated in Europe, never mind the rest of the world. We really are nice people. Well mostly! Though we do have some questionable people in power. Always the case really.

Anyhoo, last week I babysat for one of my ex-pupils and we watched Disney's Pinocchio. I hadn't seen it in years but we had it on VHS as kids and watched it at least once a week, so as we watched it, the lines came back to me and the songs. I realised I could almost recite along with it. Still. But what I had sort of blocked out of my memory was how disgustingly terrifying it is.

Bear in mind the kid watching it was 3 (almost 4) but there were bits when he got up and walked out of the room and bits were he screamed at me to go 'fast. fast' - which means fast forward. So as I'm patchily watching this Disney classic, I begin to realise how evil it is.

Now of course this was me looking on with 21st century eyes, when it was released in the heart of the 20th Century (1940) when things were very very different, but really I think it may need an overhaul. 

There are the small things, like one of the clocks where the mum is spanking the little boys bare bottom over her knee. (Not too bad but majorly frowned upon nowadays.)

Then of course there are slightly larger things like the fox accosting him on the way to school. Sorry, did I say accosting? I meant to say abducting. Hello! Stranger Danger. (Giapetto=lax parent. Couldn't even walk him to school on his first day. Shame on you.)

Then of course the fox wants to sell him to the theatre. Erm, can you say human trafficking? I mean I know he's technically wooden but he also lives in a land where you wish on a star and the blue fairy appears to grant your wish. A land where his conscience is a cricket. This is human trafficking!

Then he's locked up by the guy that bought him. So that's abduction, sold, threatened and traumatised within about 20 mins. Surely it can't get much worse? Well actually...... Cue Mr fox again. And after a meeting with a fat, ugly, terrifying man, he re-abducts Pinocchio and this time sells him to this evil man. (Apologies I have no idea of his character name and I don't want to...he's evil!) The fat man takes all the ragamuffin boys away to Pleasure Island on a horse and carriage. Now, dodgy title aside, actually no, not aside. Let's think about the title: Pleasure Island. Lots of little boys taken by an evil older man to Pleasure Island...hmmmmm. Yes ladies and gentleman, we have paedophilia. This movie has it all! But seriously, I'd watched this so many times as a kid (granted I wasn't 3) but once as an adult and it made me feel really uncomfortable.

Then of course everything at Pleasure Island is free because the paedophiles wouldn't want you to pay for anything - heaven forbid - and they are even encouraged to smoke cigars and cigarettes. (Disgusting!) And there's a tent where they can go to fight. Now, he asked me to stop it at this point and I was more than glad. I didn't want to see them all turn into donkeys. Now I'm all for the odd white lie to keep the kids in check, you know things like: Eat your crusts, you'll get curly hair. (Still doing it mum and it's not working.) Or don't eat the apple seeds or you'll grow an apple tree inside you. But I think it's quite another thing to suggest you would be turned into donkeys if you indulged too much or if you were - dare I use the word - naughty.

I'm all for tough love and discipline with children but that really took the biscuit. Let's face it, it's no Tangled. Ha ha. Sorry Disney. I used to love it and loads of other people do but there's dark and there's DARK. Wow.

Moving on to something a little less harrowing. For those of you that don't know me, A, my partner has a love of shitty Disaster Movies. (Now really I didn't have to add the distinction 'shitty' because they are all pretty 'shitty' and it's not like there is a section named Good Disaster Movies. But I just like to point that out. They are shit but so shit they're good!) And last night whilst watching a classic (I use the term loosely - we both fell asleep) 'Super Cyclone', I realised what amazing drinking games you could create around the genre. And how incredibly drunk you would be.

Okay, so all of these things could equal taking a shot, or two fingers of drink. (But obviously just choose a couple of things to look out for, not all of them, otherwise we are talking serious alcohol poisoning. Not good!!!!)

  • Every time stock footage of a disaster is used. (This happens a lot.)
  • Every time there is some dodgy CGI. (You will be tipsy within the first 10 minutes.)
  •  Every time there is a discrepancy in the lighting. (Honestly there is no continuity in these films. It's like the don't even try....or they do it on purpose??)
  • Every time there is shocking acting and/or over acting. (This is a given. But you could make it more specific: Watch out for the best shocked face. Or best extra performance. Or best panic face.)
  • Every time there is a period of shit or uncomfortable dialogue. (Again, this will happen a lot, so you might want to narrow it down. Bad dialogue between scientists. Bad dialogue between survivors. etc.)
  • The prolonged stare: Every time the an actor stares at the camera for more than five seconds.
  • Every time there is a water shot that's supposed to be the raging sea but is actually a calm swimming pool. 
  • Every time they actually reuse their own footage. (Those moments where you go, wait a minute, they just looped the same shot, lazy buggers.)
  • The slow motion shot.
  •  The bullshit scientific explanations. (Do they sound genuine? Do you actually believe these numpties know what they're talking about? If your answers are a resounding NO, then take a drink my friends.)
And really you can probably add many other things to this list, but like I said, just choose a couple and you'll be in for a great night. Ha ha. The only Disaster flick you'll be marginally sober in is probably A's favourite:
The Day After Tomorrow. One of the only half decent, big budget ones. But for the drinking game you definitely want to B-Z list ones. They are amazing!

This kid the other day on the bus was blowing raspberries, allowing all his spit to fly onto the window and then used his fingers to draw with the spit. Lovely! His mum was ignoring him on the telephone and I was attempting to ignore him by turning my Ipod up, but all I could hear was raspberry after raspberry. It was driving me mad. He then started leaning over the back of the chair, touching my bag and attempting to make eye contact. Sorry love but if you were a little less raspberry then I might have given you the time of day. but for 30 minutes on a bus with you making that sound, there was no way I was giving you the time of day.

I love teenage girls when they think they're being stealth. There were three teenage girls on the bus giggling and pointing and stage whispering about one of the other passengers. They thought they were being quiet. Bless 'em. They also thought that no one could crack their expert code of miming the fact that whoever they were taking the piss out of was holding a newspaper and wearing glasses. And the pointing, well that was difficult to work out but I am an NCIS fan. Love it! The non stealth of teenage girls.

Well, it's now 5.36 and the sky is beautiful outside. I am slightly concerned that I will fall asleep at my babysitting job tonight, but as long as the kids are asleep first I'm sure that'll be fine. Ha ha.
I hope everyone has a much better and longer sleep than I have and a great weekend.

Oh, just lastly, I should mention the wonderful wedding of last week. NT is now NH and I wore a pink dress for a whole 12 hours. I know, pretty distressing. I also had Vegas style, transvestite lashes which were awesome, except they did come unstuck a few times. Ahhh well, they look even better when they're hanging off. Ha ha. But seriously, it was a fabulous day and I wish NH and TH all the best for married life. The weather was perfect; the shoes crippled me but the (bare foot) dancing was great and it was lovely to reunite with the hens. Also, the cocktail station = genius idea.

2 weeks to the next Wedding. When LC becomes LA. Weird. I think I'll still be calling all the ladies by their maiden names. Can't cope with that many changes in one year. Ha ha. I'll have to gradually phase them out.

Safe journies to anyone travelling today, especially A, and I wish you all a sunny weekend.


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