A Conglomeration of Rants: Long Overdue

It's been a while since I had a good rant and rave. (It's definitely been a long time since I've had a rave.) So I've been storing some of these up for a special occasion, one such as this. And that is, a train journey up North to see my folks. It feels like ages since I've been home. I'm actually looking forward to the few degrees lower temperatures, the inevitable rain and possibility of snow. But most of all a change. Who knows, my beloved North may inspire me. (I wonder if it will inspire me enough to help me write an ending to that blasted picture book I'm writing.)

And so I begin with a common ranting post of mine: Buses! I mean, honestly, just when you start to get used to the cursed things you encounter the abusive bus user yelling, "This mother fuckin' bus. Mother Fucker. This mother fuckin' bus," over and over. And couple that with the smell of dried in wee and suddenly I'm back to square one: Bus hatred once more.

How sad are Orangutans? No really, it's a serious question. They are one of the most miserable species of animal. (I said one of the most....I'm not discounting Chameleons with their grumpy little pouts).  It's just every time you see one, albeit in captivity, they have the saddest eyes. Eyes screaming to be set free, eyes screaming for more. I'll never forget Kevin the Orangutan from Berlin zoo. I wanted to take him home, or at least give him a cuddle. Poor thing.

What sparked the Orangutan question? Well, it actually came up when I was watching You've Been Framed and there were a few zoo clips. And there was this Orangutan sat in a tree and he curled up into a ball and covered himself with a piece of cardboard. Broke my heart. It was like a homeless orangutan.

24 irritates the hell out of me! Just finished season 6 and from about 2 episodes in I already hated half the cast and the usual twoing and froing. Jack Bauer is essentially an over excited dog, panting for trouble. He gets his own way all the time by using the word 'dammit' at the beginning of the sentence. That one little word allows him to manipulate his superiors all the way up the chain to the freakin' President. Really, does no one have any balls anymore? If he's not supposed to do something, just tell him no, but then Jack turns on the 'dammit' and suddenly every one's on board.

Maybe he's magical and can access other people's thoughts and feelings? Maybe he's a warlock? Maybe he's a robot! Yeah, I think I've got it! He's a robot that can manipulate others to his way of thinking. He's a robot that actually has his own thoughts and opinions and forces them on others.

Dammit. You know I'm the only one who can do this so.........

Oh yes mighty Jack, we bow down to you. Anything you say.

God, if he really is the only one that can do all the things he's done, then they really need to start training up some newbies. At least have a couple of backups, just in case the president grows some balls and actually says no at one point. You never know, it could happen.......(Though I do realise those of you who have seen all 8 series will know if this is the case or not. Please don't inform me. I will eventually find out for myself, but I'll need to leave a few months between the next series because it just gets on my tits!)

He also manages to put the blame on everyone else as well. You must do this or something will happen and it will be on your head. He guilt trips them.

Also, no one ever sleeps or eats, or drinks, or uses the toilet. Realistic? I think not. That many men with no food in them would be a disaster in the making. They'd be fighting each other for a bacon barm I'm sure. I bet all the women of CTU have a secret stash of chocolate or something, otherwise they'd be gouging each other's eyes out. And no water would mean radioactive pee colours. Besides most women need the toilet at least two or three times in a working day and if your working day was 24 hours, the guys would have to shit several times. Sorry to point out the obvious, but they just don't make it human or believable. But I guess that's not what we want is it? Who wants humanity and believability? We want pure twaddle. We want one man saving the world all by himself and all in one day. Really? Is that what we want?

I guess after 8 series it would be a resounding yes. Still I retain my negative opinions and annoyance. Oh and CTU get some better security, considering the nature of your organisation because CTU's computers were breached about 3 times in a day and you were broken into through a sewer access thing. Hmmmm. All sounds a bit sloppy to me.

Anyhoo to misspoken names and hidden letters:

I've recently renamed the Blu Ray player as the Blu Risk player. It just came out one night as we were talking about blue rays, but I think I was trying to say something like blue ray disc all in one and it came out Blu Risk. It kinda stuck. I like it.

Games of Thrones and Downtown Abbey. These are A's favourite slip of the tongues. I keep trying to remind him there aren't multiple games of thrones. It's one big game, but it doesn't seem to matter. It's stuck. Also, Downtown Abbey...ha ha. 'You can always go Downtown'. I did make the point that as is it up in Yorkshire then they would pronounce it Downton even if was spelt Downtown, he still doesn't get it.

Another of my technology slips is HDML instead of HDMI, when selecting which port is operating what in the living room. I know it's not HDML but again it's stuck. Endearing, I hope, but I can't guarantee.

Anyone seen that Perle de lait yoghurt advert? Man she needs a slap in the face. Preferably from my fist. And don't get me started on the bloody Macdonalds advert with the mum asking her new man to move in. So when in that situation all you need is shit fast food and then it's water under the bridge. What the fuck? I don't think so. As if teenagers don't already rule the roost, this just encourages them to take everyone for as much as they can. Angry! Yeah, let's bribe everyone with shitty food. Whoop! That'll make the family bond.

The unemployment toilet roll issue. No one warns you how much toilet roll you go through when you're at home all the time. When you're both working from home it's ridiculous. See, going out to work is good for one thing......less toilet roll used in the house. Ha!

And finally, outrage at the BBC cancelling The Hour, one of the best written, clever, intelligent, witty, thrilling and enthralling series they've produced in a long time, possibly ever! When you think of some of the tosh that graces our screen, no wonder I rarely watch TV, but The Hour is something worth paying your TV licence for. I signed the petition online and I hope upon hope they reconsider a terrible decision. BBC come on, pull your finger out of your arse and realise what you're throwing away here.

Bridesmaid shopping tomorrow. Oh dear lord. Better turn on what little femininity I have. Okay strike that, I'll just delve into the memory vault and remember a time when I was girly......No. That didn't work either. Shit. Ah well, there's always wine!............






Continued after a day of Bridesmaid shopping. Oh dear Lord. What a day.



So let me paint the scene for you. 4 bridesmaids all different shapes and sizes. Two with boobs, two without (Ha!) and no common likes, except that sister of the bride wants long and everyone else wants knee length.
Now me, I'm just like I'll wear whatever. Let's face it, if it's not a dress over jeans I'm not really on board so I know I'm never going to love it, but if I can avoid looking like a mong that'll do.

But four women, plus a bride, plus the brides mother and the groom's mother became too many women really. Lots of oestrogen floating around and far too much strong willed stubbornness really. Still, never a dull moment. And I wore a back less dress for about five minutes, which was definitely a new experience.

We trawled through shops, finding the tackiest most hideous dresses we could, disagreeing on everything and annoying the hell out of the bride. (Sorry for that NT) But eventually we were saved with food and a bottle of wine, much needed!

The afternoon became one of the most random afternoons ever! We got a taxi to some dodgy estate in Manchester, a couple of miles from Victoria, though the taxi driver was a dick and took us all the way to Middleton. We questioned where he was taking us and then he decided it was our fault and that we shouldn't have even used his taxi company. Knob rot! He, a taxi driver, told us we shouldn't have called his taxi firm. Hmmmm. He's great at his job. And what's even better is that he continued to take us to the place he thought we were going to, even after we gave him the right address and postcode. As if we were suddenly going to just get out and say, yeah this'll do.

Anyhoo, the meter is going up and up and up. And LT (sister of the bride) is getting angsty on the back seat, describing ways she's going to hurt him if he tries to charge us for this ridiculous journey, that should have taken 10 minutes and actually took about 40minutes. CT is wetting herself laughing so much she can't stop and I'm texting the bride NT who had to sit in the front alongside the now angry taxi driver, to check she's okay.

So we roll up on this dodgy estate, with people out the front of their houses in pink dressing gowns at 3 in the afternoon and we're late for our appointment with some woman who makes dresses and has an ebay store and all the rest of it. And the taxi driver says; "Just call it £25.00." He he. LT says, "You can have a tenner. Who's got a tenner." Then we all pile out and LT throws a tenner at him. "You can have a tenner or you can call the police!" Wow. Don't mess with LT. So he gets on the phone straight away but was obviously scared of the 7 of us and the dodgy estate and thought sod this, it's just not worth it.

So we all stare at the strange little house and hope amongst hope that we not only find a dress for everyone, but also make it back out alive. There's a dog, a beautiful little husky pup, with one blue eye, one brown eye and boxes of dresses everywhere. So we have a look and they try on a couple but stripping down to your bra in a strangers house, with the curtains open is not something we're all used to. So I avoid it for a while and then just when you think things can't get any worse, the mother of the groom says, "I think you're dog's gonna be sick. Love, I think your dog's gonna be sick." And several seconds later he was sick, on the floor right by all the dresses. Hmmm, there's nothing like dog sick to get you in the mood for bridesmaid dresses.

At this point, we'd managed to find a dress that three of us liked and we started the process of stripping and trying it on. Couldn't get the blasted zip up but we even persuaded LT to try it on and lo and behold, she liked it. Though after the taxi ride from hell and the dog sick, I think I would have said yes to anything, just to get out and have it done.

"Did I just see a chicken?" Asked CT, looking out the back window.
"Not one chicken but three."
I half expected some birds to fly in, or a tiger to walk down the stairs. Madness!

Then we called a taxi company that actually knew where they were going and we got back to Manchester in record time for £6.70. That's more like it. Then there were shoes, but I won't go into that. It's safe to say they are bought and we all have the same, so that's enough. Then we headed to the pub as I needed a hefty vodka.

Really, I couldn't have made up the events of yesterday. Not even my brain could imagine that. I think the final straw was the dog sicking up in the corner and him eating it. Nom Nom.

Well thankfully that's over! Stressful as ken. Man this wedding malarchy is a right ball ache. Well done to all the women and men that bother with it. Sounds too much like hard work for my liking.

Anyhoo, this is getting long.
Last few hours up North before train to London later.
If I could avoid dog sick for a while, that would be good.