Y'on'oliday?..........M'on'oliday!

BLOG 1 of Holiday.
2nd and 3rd May 2012

Our first time flying Monarch and of course it was delayed an hour. BOO! At least it was an early afternoon flight, instead of the usual 6am flight so we were quite chilled about the whole thing.  They were really tight on your baggage allowances as well. They even weighed your hand luggage. (That's worse than Ryan Air.)
Anyhoo, despite the delays we arrived around 6.45. The landscape is amazing. Just hills and volcanoes dominating the sky line and a distinct lack of vegetation. There ain't no green here. It's all dry rock and the occasional scrub plant or palm. At times you feel that's what it's like on the moon or Mars, especially due to the earth's terracotta, almost red colour.

And so at 8.10 when we arrived at our hotel, not knowing what the hell to expect from our first all-inclusive holiday, we gulped down our doubts and headed to the restaurant. And we were pleasantly surprised. Branded for the week by our all-inclusive wristbands we helped ourselves to pretty much what the fuck we wanted. And really it was way better then we thought it was going to be. A variety of dishes, rice, meat, fish, pasta. Some came with sauces, some you added your own sauces to and there was loads of salad stuff to accompany. The slight let down was the dessert table, but we figured that could only be a good thing, especially as my teeth are eroding and it would be best not to put on a whole load of weight.  So yeah, if you're thinking about all-inclusive and are sheepish as we were, give it a go, it might surprise you. (Though bear in mind this is our first day. Opinions could change. Muhahahaha.)

The damn birds were chirping pretty darn early and for some reason A called them the chav birds and pretended they were from Salford which of course has stuck. And we now refer to them as the chav birds. NO idea what they actually are, but they're cute and little and seem to live in the palms, yet at 6am you kinda wanna wring their tiny necks.

And so we venture forth for our first beach adventure on the lovely Island of Lanzarote. We head to the papuguaya, a series of five beaches that are all joined when the tide is out. They are pretty undisturbed too as the area around it is actually a nature reserve, though we haven't figured out what nature they're reserving, due to no plants or animals being sighted. 

The legs are out for the first time in a long time and it poses the age old question: What is whiter than my legs? 1) The suncream and 2) The houses of Lanzarote. To be honest I was glad to find two things.

We were all sun creamed up and then came the wind (it was only about 10am and there were about two other people on the beach). It was so cold I ended up sitting in A's jumper for a good while. Typical. With any luck I'd get wind burnt like I used to in Blackpool. He he.

When A went for a swim, I thought I'd begin my chilled holiday of writing and relaxing by getting out the old laptop and being productive. And so of course, mini red decided not to switch on. So instead I wrote notes in my notebook and cursed all technology.

Then later when back at the hotel I took out mini red for another attempt and of course it was so sunny that I couldn't see anything on the screen. I was beginning to think this week of writing was doomed. But A came to the rescue and altered the brightness levels so that with my sun hat jauntily perched and my sun glasses off, I could just about see the writing on the screen if I squinted.

Oh and also I realised that sun loungers are not great to practise the act of productive writing so I ended up sitting cross legged under the umbrella, soaking up absolutely no sun, but sipping away at a vodka and lemonade that was literally a shot of lemonade and the rest vodka. Yum! These are measures you wouldn't even make yourself at home. Mega!

It's quite funny writing on the poolside, there are so many distractions: Lizards running up the walls, cheesy music, the chav birds cheeping........And the call of more vodka and lemonade.

I would just like to say for the record....AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! BAJOOBILIES! EVERYWHERE. Sorry, I know I'm a complete prude, but I was forgetting everyone else's laxness of keeping their boobs in appropriate covering. Ha ha. Must be great for men to have a sly perve on other boobs, they sure as hell can't do that it rainy London.

We went for an explore in the late afternoon, to climb our first volcano - The Red Mountain. The signs were absolutely incredible in that they stopped two roundabouts before the turn off, so you were blindly guessing. And then they were just chalked on propped up boards, or even better, painted on big pebbles. Needless to say we got a tad lost but eventually found it.

It was incredible, the size of the crater, everything. I'd never seen a volcano up close, let alone walked around the rim of the crater. The wind up there was pretty impressive and it blew the clouds across swiftly.
One of the things I loved was the way the shadows of the clouds swept across the crater floor. Mesmerising.

We then went to another beach along the main front of Playa Blanca and whilst A went swimming in the sea, I sat writing again. A called me over later with an octopus in either hand. They were really cute, but one of them swam off straight away and the other hung around a bit before shooting off. I'd never realised how fast they were.

Oh and one thing that will become a constant throughout all my holiday Blogs is the phantom Lanzarote flower cutter. When we woke the first morning we were delighted to see a beautiful tree with red flowers out of our window. When we returned from breakfast, the tree was there but all the flowers had been cut off as well as a few of the other plants and shrubs. They barely have any vegetation anyway. Why would they cut it down???? We can't explain it. Anyway, more on him, later.

We took the car out in the evening to explore the more popular resort of Puerto Del Carmen, or Puerto Del Crap as I aptly renamed it. A top destination for drunk Brits and people with no imagination, I could tell the moment we got out the car that I was sceptical at best.

Within twenty metres or so we'd found four Irish bars, all with football matches on big screens. We'd also been hassled by at least five restaurants asking us to come in and eat and to top it all off, there were big groups of late teens/early twenties (kids basically) hanging around and as we passed them they whispered to their friends and started laughing. God, it felt like high school all over again. Everyone was staring at you. It wasn't a very nice feeling at all. (Where we are staying in Playa Blanca, there are no perving, leering, creepy boys and the restaurants don't hassle you. And, its well nice and chilled and quiet.)

So we decided to stick it out a bit longer and walked onto the coastal road and watched the sunset over the mountains in the distance. Beautiful. But then came the creepy guy on the corner who waited for us to walk past, then said, "HI." Then of course, being nice polite people we said, "hello" back. Then he proceeded to follow us asking us if we were alright and if we wanted to eat. And even after we told him no, he still asked if he could tell us the offers, as he kept following us down the street.

That was the final straw. A decided he wanted to go and I completely agreed. By that point we'd managed about 25 minutes at this place. Eek! We walked back to the car and were out of there 40 minutes after arriving. And we won't be going back. Yuk!

So then, A decided we'd go to Yaiza which is famed for being the model home of Lanzarote and has won awards for it's beauty. What they fail to tell you is that at night, it is a creepy deserted town, with barely any lights on. A parked up and made me get out for a wander but it was well creepy. Finding one of the only 2 bars open in the whole town, A bought an ice cream, which we ate in the car with the doors locked and then we went back to the hotel for another massively vodkery, vodka and lemonade and a film in bed. Ha ha. We may be slightly boring, but at least we climb volcanoes and explore. Ha ha. Awesome first day.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll get in the old swim wear. GULP!