Euro-shitting-vision

Yes, yes, yes, it's Eurovision! And my second annual Euro blog.

Firstly I'd like to summarize the contestants for this year. There was a sublime over use of the wind machine. It really was working over time this Eurovision. Also, it seemed to be very influence based this year. There were Alanis, Bjork, Mariah, Amy and Depeche Mode rip offs, amongst others. There was also a copious amount of ballads, though granted most of them could sing, which was a nice change.

Anyhoo, as per last year. Here are my notes for each of the contestants.

1. United Kingdom.
Good old Humperdink. He must get the prize for most ridiculous name, if nothing else. Bless him.
Unnecessary dancers though without them there weren't anything to look at.
Good voice for his age. Love the pointing dance move.
Key change. Terrible! But at least he tried.

2. Hungary
Love the 80's jackets. Rockin' out, especially the bass and keys. The synth guy was well giddy.
Slightly useless backing vocalist, not really needed.
Very Depeche Mode.
I actually quite liked this one.

3. Albania
Cute piano intro and then.......Oh Jesus.
Very Bjork, or trying to be. Facial expression.....constipation?
Mainly wordless singing and screaming out of tune. Crank!
Chi she kept screaming, over and over. She's screaming for tea, Chi tea. She really wants some tea. Give her some, she might shit the feck up.

4. Lithuania
What the hell has he got over his eyes? Oh it's a sequined blind fold. Of course. The song is called Love is Blind. (Very George Micheal.)
He looks about 12 and he's doing the air penis dance. Sexy.
I think I made several shocked screams during his attempted dance routine.
And my final comment: He'll never get laid.

5. Bosnia and Herzegovina
Another ballad. (Yawn) Though great to see a pianist/vocalist.
Nice shoulders (in the dress), very 80's sci-fi.
Excellent walk from the piano stool to the front of the stage, allowing her to use some lovely hand gestures and get close enough for the wind machine. Oh yes, the wind machine.

6.Russia
The Grannies. Oh bless, they really should just stay home and bake.
It was basically a load of out of tune munchkins. But they were having a lovely time.

7. Iceland
All about the eyes. Crazy violinist, moving her head a lot. Dramatic.

8. Cyprus
Kelly Brook look-a-like. Learn to sing you slag!

9. France
3xtopless gymnastics. Any particular reason?
Oh yeah, it's to detract from the crazy lady with the taffeta stuff coming off her dress.
Now the wind machine got some good use in this song, we even got to see her golden knickers.

10. Italy
Amy Winehouse. Nice pins.

11. Estonia
Another freakin' ballad. Excellent eyebrow acting. Visually dull. Male Mariah??? Hero???
The poor backing vocalist who had to stand 6 miles away from him.

12. Norway
Slow motion walk. ATTITUDE! (Or attempt at)
"This slushy is making me stronger."??????
And I thought leggings were just for women. YOU BIG GIRL!

13. Azerbijian
Ice Queen. Toni Braxton (Low as ken). Should've started an octave higher.
3x Arabian Princesses and a guy on a magic carpet.

14. Romania
Fake playing. Shitty fake bag pipes.
This is what you want though....shitty Euro pop.
She's wearing an apron. She's actually wearing an apron. (dress with no sides but looks like a sexy apron.)

15. Denmark
Admiral hat. I salute you.
Random backing vocalist woman strung over a couch. Lovin' the cello playing hoodie. And a very happy drummer. Actually talented and there's a glock! Sold.
(Quite Alanis like)

16. Greece
My initial reaction was: She's singing over a backing track, but then finally the camera panned out and you could see the poor woman employed to stand 5 miles away and try to sing in unison with the woman who's knickers you could almost see.
So sick of uh-uh-uh-oh songs. Just write some pissin' lyrics!

17. Sweden
Wind machine again! They billed her as like Kate Bush but the only slight parallels were the bare footed weird hand movements. But, in all honesty the woman could bloody sing. She's a weirdo but she can bloody sing.
Snowing in Azerbijian........hmmmmmm.

18. Turkey, or should I say....TURRRRRRRRRRRKEEEEEEEEEEEEY!
Capes. Weird dancing super heroes. Oh no they're bats/dodgy pirates. Oh no, they're flying pirates.
Uh-uh-uh-oh. ARGH! Write some lyrics.
Awww, they made a boat out of their capes. I'm well nickin' that idea for me and me kids. Ha. We'll be out in the garden next week making boats with our capes.

19. Spain
Leona Lewis. Great voice. Boring. Wind again.

20. Germany
Over enunciating mouth. Beany hat - it must be cold. Bit non-descript.

21. Malta
1 yellow glove? Hmmmm? Giddy guitarist. Quiff. Twisty feet dance routine. Nice.

22. Macedonia
Beautiful voice. Yeah, rock it up Macedonia. I like this one!

23. Ireland
Another 80's sci-fi outfit. It's lovely having backing vocals when you can't sing. Poor woman.
Jumping and high fives. Classic choreography. Back to back like Abba.
You just think of the hours of practise they put in to the dancing and then they basically just jumped and skipped willy nilly.
Felt like amateur hour.

24. Serbia
Beautiful intro. But you don't wanna mess with the violinist. eeesch!
It sounded at one point like he said "droogy-poo". He he.
Creepy musicians encroaching on the singer. They wanted some face time.

25. Ukraine
Hoola-girl. Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah.

26. Moldova
Colin Farrell look-a-like. Puff ball dresses. Weird hand gestures. Blue panties, lying on the floor cycling.
Lovely long legs of the ladies. Slapstick comedy. Key change!
Like this one.

And that's it for 2012.
We are currently second from bottom in the voting. Well done us! We didn't come last.
And Sweden have just been crowned winners. To be fair they were probably one of the only countries that wouldn't have to bankrupt themselves to put on this ridiculous show.

Well done to everyone for managing to get through it. And just remember, it isn't about talent. It isn't about music. It isn't about good songwriting, it's about being friends with the countries around you. Oh, shit, we're an island and have no political friends....shit. Why do we bother? Ha ha.

Well done Lorren from Sweden.
Signing off now.