Google opening times for the patience shop......I'm running a little low.

As usual, apologies for length of time between blogs. Been having a slight nightmare recently, but thankfully mystery illness left me after a week and I can now eat things other than plain pasta, plain rice and chicken. Whoop! Oh and I've been having monstrous bowls of cereal in the mornings, just to say in your face stomach beast! Ha!

Now I will warn you, it's gonna be a work rant, but as usual I can't really speak my mind for fear of the sackage, so I will unwillingly censor myself.......urgh!

Basically it's shit! (my job, that is) But I've always known that. It goes through periods of less shittiness and increased shittiness. But at the moment I think it's at the peak of shittiness, like it can go no worse. Though I shouldn't even think that because we'll probably end up with an explosion or a fire or something that could really put a spanner in the works.

I''m angry and grumpy all the time. The kids aren't listening because they like to see me losing my mind and I just don't think I can keep up the facade any longer. I may be smiling on the outside but I'm raging inside.

I actually said to the kids the other day that I needed to go shopping, but to a very specific shop. I told them I needed to go to the patience shop, because I'd run out and there wasn't even any in my back pocket.

And it's true. My vast supplies of patience are greatly depleting and every day they rob a bit more, wear me down until my grey hairs have started to show again. (They had disappeared......Well, either that or they were hiding, lurking, waiting for the day that they could latch on again and start breeding.) Evil little f****ers! (I would just like to clarify here that I'm talking about my grey hairs...nothing else!!!!!!)

And any one that knows me, would probably say what amazing patience I have, and it used to be in abundance, like I could just pick it out of the air, consume it from the water I drink (or vimto, let's face it). But now I have a block and even if the patience is there, it ain't getting through and I'm losing it, big time!

So that got me thinking.........I wonder if there's a job out there that doesn't involve contact with others. Where I can just shut myself away and be alone and possibly sway and rock. Hmmmmmmm. Anything other than a psych patient come to mind?????? Eh, never mind, I'm way over qualified for that anyway.

Okay, well maybe I can have a job where you don't get complaints such as:

You didn't change my daughter's t-shirt.
Where is her hair clip? She's always losing hair clips and I have to keep buying more.
I don't think you're giving my child enough attention.
They keep having accidents (toilet accidents) but they never do at home.

And so on and so forth.............

Either that, or I'd like a job where I could actually speak my mind without any repercussions. That would be the most amazing job ever!!!!

So when I get comments like this........

My child is scared of coming to school. He says he doesn't want to come. I think it's because the staff are all grumpy, with the exception of you, Helen and you keep changing staff and managers. (They then threatened to take out this child and it turns out he was scared of having toilet accidents because he gets shouted at at home. And who discovered this? Me! Did I get an apology..............No!)

Or this.......My child is really upset when they come in and we're worried you're not paying them enough attention. Also their English is not improving. (Okay, all I will say here is that they just had a baby brother, it was after christmas which they'd spent with all their relatives that don't speak English and before Christmas they'd been doing shorter days.......Anyone else think there may be a correlation here??????? I've said it before......it ain't rocket science, it's common sense.)

Or this........We have a parent who regularly strolls in at 6.10/6.15 and never calls to say they'll be late. (I only get paid until 6). And the other day they came at 6.20 and said, "I was going to apologise but it looks like you're having a party and no one wants to go home." (I really had to beat the anger down. How exactly can I go home when there are children left and what do you want me to do sit them in a corner and not do anything with them. Of course we are going to entertain them why they are with us, it's not their fault they're picked up late!)

So if I had a job where I could speak my mind then I could tell them where to go! But alas, that day will never come and a job like that will never exist, because you're not allowed to do or say anything for fear of upsetting others. Shame really.....Ha ha.

I think I may have found my solution........A job with no kids. Then there would be no parents. OOOOOOO, I like that idea.

Now enough of that. After my shockingly bad day at work yesterday, the day had an amazing turn of events. For Christmas A's sister, S, bought us tickets for the Matilda musical. I was sceptical, I have to say as it was one of my all time favourite books and I've worshipped Roald Dahl since I was about 5. I always identified so much with the Matilda character, despite having a wonderful family and I was worried that making a song and dance out of it might ruin my beloved memories of said book.

But no. It was absolutely phenomenal! And what was weird was the audience were pretty much all the same age, my age, like it had captured the generation that had first read Matilda and had cherished it so much. The atmosphere was electric and there was this wonderous collective feeling. We felt every moment together, every joke, every shock, every moment of terror. And I have honestly never felt so invested in the characters and the story, so completely absorbed!

I would recommend to anyone that has ever loved this book, or anything by Roald Dahl. I guarantee it will have you dusting off your old books and digging it out for another read.

The Kids of the cast were phenomenal and I have to say I was worried they would be those irritating stage school brats that creep the life out of me. But they were actually shit hot! They were made to be up there and totally deserved the limelight. And whilst they were inevitably stage school brats, they just really went out and gave their all. I found myself welling up, reliving my youth. Seeing the story of my youth played out before me. To see the characters almost exactly how I'd imagined them. It was truly magical.

There was a standing ovation and I can honestly say that I've never heard applause that loud at the end of a show. Not even Phantom, not even West Side Story on Broadway. This was real, genuine joy. I was crying, laughing, smiling and just overwhelmed. I can't wait to get cheap tickets and go again. He he.

But the night didn't end there. We hadn't eaten, so A got us a toptable deal and we ended up at Cafe Des Amis in Covent Garden for some ridiculously freakin' awesome French food and fabulous service. The offer was amazing, so check it out. Half price food on up to two courses and a free bottle of wine. Yes that did just read free and wine in the same sentence. Whoop!

The food was amazing. I was buzzing after the musical. The staff were lovely. The wine was flowing. The bill was tiny. What more could you ask for? What a superb night. It even made me (mostly) forget about how crappy work was. Awesomeness!

Finally, I have a warning to those out there considering Netflix, or those that already have it. They should put a sticker on, or some sort of warning before you buy, but they don't. So here's mine.


Warning: Netflix with it's vast array of TV programmes, series from the US and UK, films in every genre you can think of including anime and world cinema, is evil and addictive. Beware, you may find yourself on the couch watching episode after episode or film after film and being unable to move. Side effects may include:
Washing up not done. Flat a complete tip. No writing done and never getting dressed, just sitting in your pyjamas.

So really guys, watch out for that! Ha ha.

Okay, I think I've given you a long enough rant now and hopefully I won't have to deal with the sackage today and have a great Thursday. We are being palaeontologists today and digging for dinosaurs. (I plan awesome activities for my kids. He he)

Ciao for now!

Helen

2 packets of crisps and that bloody horse.

Drum roll please.......It's my 50th Blog. Whoop!

The big five 0. Was beginning to think I'd never get there. I do want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has read some of them along the way. If I've made you giggle at some point, then job done. But to those who have been there for every rant, for every bitter, cynical outburst, I thank you from the bottom of my gnarled, blackened, northern heart.

And so, I commence number 50 with a mysterious illness that's been plaguing me for the last week. Headache, backache, feeling sick, but never being sick (which is really irritating!) and drained of energy..
Now, I hear some of you cry PREGNANT! And I would just like to clarify. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!
And I don't think we need to say anything further on the matter. Thank you.

So then in addition to that, I've barely eaten properly since last Wednesday night. (I know, if I don't eat there's definitely something wrong.) I've been literally having plain foods like pasta, rice and chicken, crackers and dry crumpets. YUM! And I haven't even been finishing my small portions.
"Unheard of", I hear you cry. "Helen's a right fatty". And right you are, but I could only manage half of a small Andrea pizza,so come to your own conclusions.

So people have been saying to me, Oh it's that stomach bug that's going around. But how? I ain't been sick. I ain't been rushing to the toilet every five minutes. I'm not in any pain. I just feel as though there's some angry beast obstructing my food, bloating my tummy and making me feel like general shit! And that of course filled me with wind and all the lack of food made me weak and even more lacking in energy. So that was fun, especially for A. Ha ha.

And of course in true Helen style, I haven't taken any time off or gone to the Doctors or anything. I mean, why let professionals help? I'm Helen. I can beat this myself. With my Iron gut and sheer northern stubbornness and unwillingness to accept help. Grrrrrrrrr! I can do this. And (touch wood) a week later, I have beaten it. Though I would like to know how much longer I have to subdue the beast with dry foods, 'cause I'm getting a little peeved now and I'm just gaggin' for a morning bowl of cereal. 

So, today I will take it easy with the dryness of my food and if I still feel good tomorrow, then I challenge that beast to a duel. Muhahahahahahahah. I will have cereal. I will.

Yesterday was definitely my breakthrough day, as I was hungry behind the weirdness and I managed to eat at all three meals. Plus, when I got home I was so hungry and knew I had to wait about 4 hours for tea, that I ate 2 packets of crisps. YES! Crisps are back on the menu.......I must be feeling better. He he.

Also a good chinwag with an impromptu but very welcome tea guest was definitely a good help in curing my mystery illness and chasing away the beast. Thanks C. Good to see you.

And now to completely offend loads of people..........Oh my god. Is any one else sick to the back teeth of WAR HORSE! Oh the epicness, oh the wonder, oh........oh what a pile of shit! Does anyone give a crap??? I have no desire to watch a film all about a horse. One horse. I just don't care. I am completely horse nonchalant and I just don't really care what happened to this horse. No I haven't read the book, or seen the stage version and I won't see the film version. It's the music, the way it's shot and everything. I just wanna rip Steven Spielberg's bloody hair out. And I bet he'll be all like, up for an Oscar or something, for directing. Urgh! I just wanna vomit and not because of the beast.

I think I would make up random subplots about the characters being in love with the horse and my sick mind would get to work that way. I just can't take it so seriously. I've never watched Black Beauty or the Horse Whisperer because I don't give a crap. I guess you have to be a "horse person" or a "war person" to get it. 'Cause I sure as hell don't. And like A said, "If it was about a puppy or a dog, then I'd probably go to see it."
Think about it, WAR DOG! Everyone would be at that cinema.......unless they were a cat lover. He he.

Okay, now enough of the morning rant. I need to get out of my pyjamas and leave for work in 20mins.

Here's to the next 50 rants!

Thanks guys.

Helen

Tube rage, work rage, just rage in general really!

What a day. What a Monday. What a freakin' farce!

Being short staffed, acting manager, having soapy water poured over my head, and finishing the day off with a poo in pants issue (not mine of course), have been just some of the highlights of a monstrously hideous day.

All I wanted was a nice final day as acting manager and a rousing start to my music lessons. But it all went tits up! The new children were.....interesting. If they weren't crying and refusing to do anything but be picked up by a teacher, they were climbing on tables, tipping all the toys out and pouring soapy water over my head.

Some of the children we couldn't get to sleep and so one of them ended up falling asleep at 4.30pm. Eek. And of course that made them grumpy and irritable.

Then one of them cried all the way through the beginning of the music lesson, so I sent him outside. I couldn't deal with it.  (I think I need to clarify here that he was sent outside with two teachers and two other children. I realised just how bad that sounded then.) If there's one thing you need to understand, it's not getting in between Helen and a good music lesson. In the end it went fairly well and we did have fun with our multi-coloured dancing scarves, dancing to Brazilian music and shimmying around the classroom. But the damage was already done.

Then I had a few things to do and I didn't end up leaving work till 6.40 and the tubes were chokka and this annoying group of middle aged men took up loads of space, whilst the rest of us were crammed in. I felt like actually saying, "Are you enjoying all that space love? It must be nice." But it could have come out as something more along the lines of, "eff and geoff and f**k and s**ting morons" So I figured I should just keep my mouth shut.

And then......I get to the northern line platform and I wait 5 mins for a train to come and it's Edgeware, even though the one I missed by twenty seconds was also Edgeware. And then they say, "If you don't want to wait 9 minutes for the next High Barnet branch service......." And I'm thinking, "No I bloody well don't want to wait 9 minutes for a High Barnet branch, it's already 7.00pm, I should already be home."

So all in all, a shitty day and it's hardly gonna improve as the week progresses. To say my patience is wearing thin nowadays is a true understatement. It's like the elastic stretched to bursting in your pants and I don't see a way back. You can't re-elasticate elastic. (Wow, there;s something I've never written before. Ha ha.)

Anyhoo, no one wants to listen to me whinge on and on, so I'll spare you anymore angst and rage and I'll go feed myself. Hmmmmm, yesterday's leftovers and some terrible tele. whoop!

As always thanks for reading.

Have a great week. Don't let the January blues get you down.

Helen

Playdoughisms

People say, there's never a dull moment when working with kids. They also say that Kids say the darnedest things. And whoever they are, they are right! Although they missed off the fact that they can also say and do the crudest things, without even knowing. Kids are natural born comedians. They can make you laugh without even realising they're funny, which makes them much more impressive than adult comedians. They don't even try and they can leave you in stitches. And two of my kids today would've beat Izzard in his prime.


Check this out:

So I'm sat at the playdough table with four children, two of which were off in their own world making cakes and thumping the dough with the rolling pins, and two of which were deep in conversation with myself. They had been very kindly making various cakes, biscuits, mince pies, chocolate filled snails and candy worms for me to (pretend) to eat, when all of a sudden I hear:

"This is my cock."

The laughter didn't quite come yet. It was more shock and a double take......did he actually just say that?
So I ignore it, not wanting to draw attention to it. But lo and behold there he goes again.

"This is my cock."

The giggling begins. Quiet at first.

"Helen. I made you this cock."

"Oh thanks (child's name) do I eat it?"
Now I wasn't being crude here. I just presumed as he'd been making things for me to eat, that he'd just invented something new.

"No Helen. It's a cock."

Now here, I really do have to take a breath as the laughter is coming harder.

"Okay (child's name). So what is a cock?"

"It's like a plate."

"Oh. Okay. Lovely."

Then of course, the child beside him cottons on to the fact that I'm finding this all hilarious and he starts with the questions.

"What is it?"

The first child replies, "It's a cock."

"What's a cock?"

And so on and so forth. Meanwhile another member of staff has come to join us at the table and is now also wetting herself laughing. The first child drops the cock and exclaims:

"Oh no. That was my cock."

To which the second child replies, "Your cock is funny."

At this point I'm actually close to tears and I just have to change the subject. So I ask them to start making me cakes again as I'm hungry. But no, Helen, it is not time for cakes. No. The time for cakes has passed.

The first child hands me a ball of playdough and says, "This is my bum."

I hand it back to him saying that I didn't want to hold his bum thank you very much. Then of course everything became about bums. "This is my bum. I made a bum. Ha ha. That's your bum." etc etc.

But the icing on the cake came a few seconds later when the second child produces his model.

"Helen, I've made a bum."

And this is when I completely loose it. He had made, well, essentially, meat and two vege. I'm not kidding. There was a penis and two balls. I nearly cried. I grabbed the camera and took a photo of it. That's definitely one to keep in the portfolio. Ha ha.

And after that it just dissolved into toilet humour. "I've made a fart. I've made a poo. You're holding my poo. Ha ha." I mean, how is toilet humour just instinctively imbued in men and when I say men I mean my kids who are 3 and 4. It's ridiculous, but bloody hilarious. Honestly, that kept us amused for ages.

I just needed to share that.

Well, next time you think about how sweet it is when children play with playdough, you might think a little differently. He he. My genius little comedians.

Well, that's all folks. Enjoy your Wednesday evening.

Helen

Italian rubber rings, the tamest graffiti and tiny pants.

Happy New Year all!

Dear lord, it's 2012. And I still think of the 90's of not being that long ago. Ha ha.

Well I had the pleasure of spending New Year in Italy with A and his family, which was awesome. I ate far too much, watched a slightly terrible film, watched some fireworks and played on an arcade Sonic the Hedgehog game until the wee hours.

I did come back with something though. Something I didn't arrive with. The Italian rubber ring. It pretty much comes as standard once you leave that place. You wear it under your clothes and it contains all the lasagne, gnocci, tigelle, rustica, pasta and gelato that you really shouldn't have eaten, but you did anyway 'cause you thought 'Fuck it. It's Christmas and I'm in Italy.' But sadly it does make jeans a little harder to fasten and causes cardigans and coats to gape a little at the buttons. Oooops.

Get your rock sugar, get your rock sugar baby.
A certain randomness befell us as we headed for a hot chocolate in Modena. The brown sugar packets all had old school rock bands on them. It was weird. I had a metaliica/ACDC sugar in mine and then took a couple more as souvenirs (sad, I know). They had The Sex Pistols, Thin Lizzy and The Ramones.

And now for the tamest graffiti ever:
It essentially read, pasta again? and had a love heart after it.
Only in Italy........... Ha ha
I couldn't decide if they were anti-pasta or just complaining a bit or I dunno, maybe they were being ironic. Still in the grand scheme of things, it was the tamest graffiti I've ever seen.

And now for a little complaint about the lack of winter weather. And I realise most people were rejoicing at this, but 12 degrees at New Year, in Italy and barely any snow on the mountains. That's darn right scary. And disappointing for those intending to ski. We had glorious sunshine and amazingly blue skies and whilst hats, gloves and scarves had to be worn, it was just so mild. I miss snow, especially at Christmas time.

And finally, there were some slightly tiny pants, thus the title. I won't go too much into it, but I will say this......They were a little tinier than I would normally go for and were slightly uncomfortable. But still I wore my new red panties on new year and so according to Italian legends (or those of the L family), I should have good luck for the year. I bloody hope so. They did ride up a little, into places they shouldn't. Ha ha. My word, I think I shared too much. Ah well. Don't be such prudes........

Happy Tuesday.
I hope those first days back at work weren't too bad. Mine was fine, still a few kids on holiday. Whoop!
If only every day we could just have 15 kids. My world would be such a nicer place.

Anyhoo, toodle-oo.

Helen

I've never been licked so much in my life........Vintage wine and shit jokes.

Well, I warn you now, this will be a long one as I am well overdue a blog. The past few weeks have been a nightmare. What with the tap in the kitchen leaking, the toilet flush breaking and the TV going on the blink. Then to top it all off we had to call out a plumber to sort out a leak we have coming from the bathroom taps that is leaking under the floor and leaving puddles in the living room.

So it's all going well!

Clearly these new builds are only built to last three years and then everything breaks at the same time. "Eee, they don't mek 'em like they used to."

And of course on top of that was preparations for my show with the kids at work. Pants, pants and more pants and present finishing, and wrapping and running out of sellotape and having to use Christmas stickers and masking tape (classy).

Urgh!

I was pretty much sick to death of Christmas by the 19th. Once I'd finished the show, I was in the mind set that it was all over for another year and I deserved at least two weeks off. Ha ha. As if.
Well, as usual I couldn't attend my works Christmas party but I managed to gate crash A's. He he. Free bar, free bar, la la la la la la. It would not've been free bar at my works do, that's for sure. And it would not have been as much fun. There's no boys in childcare. Ha ha.

Anyhoo, I managed to meet some lovely people and all in creative and media jobs, which was lovely. And I think it was the first time I'd actually introduced myself as a writer, to total strangers. (Of course I still told everyone I was a pre-school teacher and drunkenly discussed my Panta Clause show but I also plucked up the courage to discuss my books and stuff.) There were some fellow writers there, of magazines, reviews, music and songs and it was just genuinely thrilling to discuss creative matters with people on the same wave length and people with a bit more experience than I have. It almost made me feel like a real writer.

It was only after I stumbled home and ate pizza and watched Grey's Anatomy at like 1.00am that I realised I hadn't mentioned my blog. I think I am going to get a business card. Me. Helen. With a business card. Ha! But seriously I think I'm gonna do it. It would be so much easier to pass them out to people I meet and maybe I could even meet someone who could help me on my way, or at least give me some sort of advice. It's a plan!

Now, I'd been struggling to concentrate on anything un-work-related over the past three weeks thus the lack of blogs, lack of writing and speed of reading (it took me about 3 weeks to read The Emerald Atlas). But then, bam! With the show and pants related stress out of the way I suddenly had all this space to absorb. Oh, and absorb I did.

Cassandra Clare's latest offering in The Infernal Devices series: The Clockwork Prince.  Oh dear Lord. She is a cruel, cruel woman. She draws me in, hook line and sinker. I ravished through it in about 48hours, with 24hours of work and a few hours of sleep in between. She really puts you through the ringer and leaves you hanging by a thread. And I just LOVE IT! I just hate having to wait for the next instalment. Patience in literature is not my forte.

Weird thing happened on my way to work the other morning. It was about 7.00am, pitch black dark and this 70ish year old man walked past me. He had white hair and a cool black leather jacket on. I had my Ipod on and wasn't really paying attention and as he walked past me he said, "Good Morning Beautiful!" In a real sleazy way. I was like, WHAT? And then Eww! I'm telling you, never a dull moment in Kentish Town.

And then we come to Christmas number 1, which happened on Thursday 22nd. I had to rush home from work and then cook a full Christmas dinner including Yorkshire puddings, stuffing and sausages with bacon wrapped round. Eek. Got a little stressed due to fitting it all in the oven and A coming home earlier than usual and then getting waylaid setting the table. But it was all fine in the end and there were empty plates by the end of it and extremely full bellies. He he. (That is the general rule at our house, as any of guests will clarify.)


I got a most amazing red leather satchel! It is ridiculously beautiful. I've always loved satchels and there's one in my book and now I have one of my own. He he. I also got more Fair to Midland albums and a live DVD which A asked them to sign as well. Am turning into slightly geeky superfan, but they are just completely on my wave length. Their lyrics speak to me and they fit so beautifully with the world in my head. I also got an arcade Sonic the Hedgehog thing that plugs into the TV and allows you to play sonic and other games. WICKED!

Had an interesting road trip back with C and A. Ha ha. Not the clothing outlet, which only exists on the continent and is especially big in Germany and Belgium. But alas, no, I mean Claire and Anna my wonderful Northern friends who also live in the South. And after a glass of cavaCarlisle singing us home, the further north we got, the more rain exploded on us and the more the wind picked up. We hit a little bit of traffic around Birmingham but made steady progress and was home at 10.30. We all got very excited when Chris Rea's Driving Home for Christmas came on.......It's the little things......

And so to Christmas Eve shenanigans.....And there were many..........

The usual pub lunch and annual catch up of life was scheduled for 1pm. Dr Ch, K and C were all present and it didn't take us long to dissolve into frequent flows of conversation. I love our annual tradition of alcohol and food in The Brocket. It's been a good ten year tradition and long may it continue. The wine was flowing and the tone was lowered and giggles were compulsory. And eventually after C twisting my arm for pudding (really hard she twisted. Ha ha) we exchanged presents, with the usual protests from Dr Ch, but she should know now she never wins.

Mucho vino, vodka and chin wagging later, and they had to leave, whilst I met up with Hev and Jam, to continue my day of seeing people. We strolled on down to The Tudor (a lovely alternative-ish pub, with awesome real ales and (usually) metal music. Then J and T came to join us and a few others and of course my lovely P! And of course, I'd convinced myself I wasn't going to the final ever Maximes rock night ever! But then, with a few vodkas in me and with all these lovely people surrounding me, well, I could hardly refuse. (I'm easily persuaded) And so I ended up in a place I frequented from about the age of 18 to the age of 22. I have so many awesome memories of this place and the amazing friends I made there and I just found it difficult to revisit that. But actually, it was quite cool.

No actually, It was freezing cold. They clearly couldn't afford to keep the heating on in any way shape or form and so most people kept on their coats. I can hands down say, I've never rocked out with a vest, a t-shirt and two jumpers on. Oh and of course P's beany hat which he lent me for the night. Ha ha. But still, rock out I did, for a couple of songs. I even managed to see someone I hadn't seen in about 5 years. And I was scared to approach him and he actually didn't recognise me at first, but then when he did, it was almost as if no time had passed. Lovely.

Then we left super early so me dad could pick me up and I wouldn't have to pay double fair for a taxi. Altogether, a shit hot night!

And finally its a very Merry Christmas to you all from a ridiculously mild north west of England. This time last year it was snowy and icy and this year you could barely tell it apart from October. But for a bracing wind and a splash or two of rain you would think it was Autumn. Eek. Global warming's gone mental.

And so this year, there was no Gran but we had my Brother and his mega large dog Snoop. He's like a whirlwind of excitement and he kept us all fully entertained. I've never been licked so much in my life. My kids don't lick, thank god, but Snoop does. My hands, my toes, my shoulder, my dress, everywhere.

My dad got one of the best presents ever. It's a book called Sign Language and it's all mistranslated signs from around the world, rude and stupid and darn right ridiculous. We were all wetting ourselves. My dad needed oxygen. Some of my favourites were:

Dick Payne real estate
Cock flavour soup mix
Ars cracks fireworks
And: Viagra fencing-Problems getting it up? Bob can erect it.  He he.

And for Christmas lunch there was of course my mum's legendary roast with all the trimmings. But not forgetting my dad's vintage wine selection, which is basically all the wine that people have brought me mum and dad over the years (and they don't drink). Today we drank a 1998 vintage classic, which was pretty dire but not as bad as last year's bloody sweet dessert wine. My dad the wine connoisseur. He he. Wouldn't have it any other way though.

Had some of the most almighty shit cracker jokes as well. Like shockingly shite. But isn't that why we love them?????

All in all its been a good day. Fairly relaxed (though perhaps not for me mum who had to do all the cooking) and entertaining and full of dog drool and slober. Merry Christmas everyone. And enjoy the time off before it's back to reality.

I hope this rather lengthy blog has made up for sincere lack of recent bloggage.

Peace, love and turkey butties!

Helen

Time travel by advent calendar........it's the future!

Whoa! It's the 8th December........when the hell did that happen? I've only opened 1 and 2 on my advent calendar. I guess I'll have a chocolate fest when I'm in the mood.

I just had an awesome thought. What if you could control time with your advent calendar? Like if I'd only opened 2 doors, then I couldn't actually move on to the 3rd December until I'd opened the next door. And you could also go back in time, by closing the doors again. That would be cool. I'd close them all again and stay at November the 30th for about another month, then I could:
1) Get all my portfolios up to date at work.
2) Get a submission out to at least 2 agents before Christmas.
3) Continue editing book 1 and writing book 2.
4) Have more rehearsals for my Christmas show and more time to make props....and when I say props, I mean PANTS! Ha ha! (If only you knew)
5) And of course finish off the god damn Christmas shopping. URGH!

But alas, the time is slipping away and soon another year will be spent. And we'll all get older and crabbier and if you're me, more bitter and twisted and gnarled (best word ever!).

This time of year always tends to get me riled up, especially with talk of nativity. I babysat for one of my ex little girls and she told me she was playing an angel in the Christmas Nativity at her school. I couldn't help but tense up, the fists balling at my sides. This is where a lot of my bitterness stems from. It's like the original bitterness........ I wanted to be an angel, but I was fat and freckly with long dark hair. Clearly NOT angel material. All the blond girls got the part as they were all so pretty and dainty. URGH! And guess what role I played??????

The narrator, because, and I quote: "You have a loud voice."

Wow! Now did they really think that wasn't gonna affect me for the rest of my life! Implying that you might be ugly and fat, but you have a nice strong voice and you can sing loud too. OOOOO goody. I'm just brimming with happiness! And after 24 years I'm still angry about it. I would have been a shit hot angel! The coolest one! But hey, their loss. And anyway, I'm thin now, which can't be said of all the past angels.......yeah facebook comes in handy for some things. Ha ha! YOU BITCH! (Slap my own wrist)

Anyhoo, I have to cut this short in order to get to work on time. On the early twirly shift this week.Yipee! 
More parent teacher meetings this morning and more pants and more rehearsals and more stress! You gotta love a good stress. My body doesn't though. The skin is literally peeling itself off my hands, leaving me with cuts and sores and dry irritated hands. (Thought I'd leave with a lovely image there......You're welcome.)

Happy Thursday. We're getting to the end of the week. Keep going, you can make it!
Helen