2 packets of crisps and that bloody horse.

Drum roll please.......It's my 50th Blog. Whoop!

The big five 0. Was beginning to think I'd never get there. I do want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has read some of them along the way. If I've made you giggle at some point, then job done. But to those who have been there for every rant, for every bitter, cynical outburst, I thank you from the bottom of my gnarled, blackened, northern heart.

And so, I commence number 50 with a mysterious illness that's been plaguing me for the last week. Headache, backache, feeling sick, but never being sick (which is really irritating!) and drained of energy..
Now, I hear some of you cry PREGNANT! And I would just like to clarify. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!
And I don't think we need to say anything further on the matter. Thank you.

So then in addition to that, I've barely eaten properly since last Wednesday night. (I know, if I don't eat there's definitely something wrong.) I've been literally having plain foods like pasta, rice and chicken, crackers and dry crumpets. YUM! And I haven't even been finishing my small portions.
"Unheard of", I hear you cry. "Helen's a right fatty". And right you are, but I could only manage half of a small Andrea pizza,so come to your own conclusions.

So people have been saying to me, Oh it's that stomach bug that's going around. But how? I ain't been sick. I ain't been rushing to the toilet every five minutes. I'm not in any pain. I just feel as though there's some angry beast obstructing my food, bloating my tummy and making me feel like general shit! And that of course filled me with wind and all the lack of food made me weak and even more lacking in energy. So that was fun, especially for A. Ha ha.

And of course in true Helen style, I haven't taken any time off or gone to the Doctors or anything. I mean, why let professionals help? I'm Helen. I can beat this myself. With my Iron gut and sheer northern stubbornness and unwillingness to accept help. Grrrrrrrrr! I can do this. And (touch wood) a week later, I have beaten it. Though I would like to know how much longer I have to subdue the beast with dry foods, 'cause I'm getting a little peeved now and I'm just gaggin' for a morning bowl of cereal. 

So, today I will take it easy with the dryness of my food and if I still feel good tomorrow, then I challenge that beast to a duel. Muhahahahahahahah. I will have cereal. I will.

Yesterday was definitely my breakthrough day, as I was hungry behind the weirdness and I managed to eat at all three meals. Plus, when I got home I was so hungry and knew I had to wait about 4 hours for tea, that I ate 2 packets of crisps. YES! Crisps are back on the menu.......I must be feeling better. He he.

Also a good chinwag with an impromptu but very welcome tea guest was definitely a good help in curing my mystery illness and chasing away the beast. Thanks C. Good to see you.

And now to completely offend loads of people..........Oh my god. Is any one else sick to the back teeth of WAR HORSE! Oh the epicness, oh the wonder, oh........oh what a pile of shit! Does anyone give a crap??? I have no desire to watch a film all about a horse. One horse. I just don't care. I am completely horse nonchalant and I just don't really care what happened to this horse. No I haven't read the book, or seen the stage version and I won't see the film version. It's the music, the way it's shot and everything. I just wanna rip Steven Spielberg's bloody hair out. And I bet he'll be all like, up for an Oscar or something, for directing. Urgh! I just wanna vomit and not because of the beast.

I think I would make up random subplots about the characters being in love with the horse and my sick mind would get to work that way. I just can't take it so seriously. I've never watched Black Beauty or the Horse Whisperer because I don't give a crap. I guess you have to be a "horse person" or a "war person" to get it. 'Cause I sure as hell don't. And like A said, "If it was about a puppy or a dog, then I'd probably go to see it."
Think about it, WAR DOG! Everyone would be at that cinema.......unless they were a cat lover. He he.

Okay, now enough of the morning rant. I need to get out of my pyjamas and leave for work in 20mins.

Here's to the next 50 rants!

Thanks guys.

Helen