Eurovision 2019

Yes! It's that time of year again. It's mid May and you've just sat through 25 songs from European countries and one from Australia. And now it's time for the blog. Oh yes. And today I was joined by not only my partner in life and crime, but also my parents, visiting from up North. It's a Eurovision party.

Let's get straight to it. I really liked the opening. I liked the aeroplane and all the action movie sequences, with jeeps in the desert and drones flying and all the bumpf. Although, when they started to depart the plane and there were so many solo people, I was worried it would be a little too serious and there would be too many ballads. I was mostly right on that front, and yet, it wasn't a bad evening, all in all.

1. Malta: A pretty good voice to open with. Fun and young, but she is not a dancer. She was scared to move. Not much scathing to write about this one, but it will be easily forgotten. The curse of going first.

2.Albania: Far too serious. There are no words - no, literally, there were no words. Just lots of weird vocalising and yodelling. I'm convinced she was actually performing some sort of witchcraft, with all those hand movements and the fire. She was seriously pitchy at points too.

3. Czech Republic: So. Many. Teeth. So very, very, 'youthful'. They are the young Wiggles. The drummer is all over the place and I'm convinced none of them are actually playing those instruments. Plus what's with the weird London accents. It sounded like the Kooks. I appreciate the knee slide, but you really need to sing better.



4.Germany: Moody. Pitchy. But what a 90's throw back. I half expected the rest of All Saints to walk out. I was also having Buffy flashbacks with that black top. Nice sentiment but it was bad.

5. Russia: It's his Broadway audition. So intense and boring. I like looking at myself in mirrors. 'I see rain from your fingerprints.' Just an interesting lyric I managed to note down. My dad liked this one.

6. Denmark: Cute. Not a confident mover. It went all stereotypical French at one point, with all the black and white, stripes and an almost mime feel. Cheesy. Sickly. Vomity.

7. San Marino: Dentist. This is hands down the worst song in the competition. He is a creepy old man who should never sing ever, because he can't sing. He kept using the Batman voice and quite frankly he should stick to his day job, though I wouldn't let him anywhere near my mouth. I'm shocked this song took him 5 mins to write. I wish I could unsee this.



8. North Macedonia: Too low for you (intro). She was totally channelling her inner Maria/Celine. Good dress. Good voice, but a bit too intense.

9. Sweden: Great voice. Good song. What I like the most is that he put on his best tracky pants and tucked in his t-shirt. He really made an effort to be smart. Now the backing vocalists were amazing and it was all about the wide leg pants and the earrings. Yes! Shame he messed up one of the final notes.

10. Slovenia: BORING! Awkward and creepy and weird. Too much eye contact. Very antisocial.



11. Cyprus: She went for the thigh high, latex leggings and chain mail knickers option, to make up for her overly sharp voice. I did appreciate the gangsta cowboy backing dancers. That was very Eurovision.

12. Netherlands: Bookies favourite. Er, really? I think he has a stalker level Chris Martin obsession, because that song was essentially a B side that never made it on to the last Coldplay album. Intense look at the camera. Bit pitchy. Did not like.

13, Greece: Female musketeers. Finally! A bit Florence-y. What an interesting voice. I'm just walking around with a massive inflatable ball. But then I lost the big ball. Where did it go? The backing vocals were amazing and completely off the chain. Yes! We like this!

14. Israel: Too much. It's supposed to be fun, why are you dragging me down? He looked a lot like Sacha Baron-Cohen auditioning for a Broadway show. It was pretty terrible though.



15. Norway: I love this! Sci-fi pop. It's Aqua all over again. I didn't write much for this but I bloody loved it.

16. UK: He's a pitchy bugger at the beginning. Why didn't he transpose it up a semi-tone? Anyhoo, the rest of it was great. The song is good, the staging is simple and the backing vocals were great. Well done! Just work on the intro. Fingers crossed someone takes pity on us, for a few points. 

17. Iceland: Oh yes! This is what we've all been waiting for. This is Eurovision. This is 6 guys in latex and a guy in a gimp mask with a hammer. This is terrifying and amazing. Who needs a ballad when you can literally live your Berlin S and M club dreams, with some sort of Rammstein/Slipknot/Marilyn Manson hybrid. Wonderful nonsense. LOVE IT!




18: Estonia: This seems so vanilla after Iceland. Ya Basic! It's like skipping through a meadow of cheese. He's ever so slightly in love with himself and very pitchy. Ya boring.



19. Belarus: So young. Bendy guys. Her voice is all over the place, but she's 16. I have to admit I switched off part way through. Bad.

20: Azerbaijan: 3D printing his heart 'cause he hasn't got one. What octave are you singing? Where are you in the mix? You are not captivating my attention.

21: France: Diversity is our message. And man that ballerina could spin. I liked it. Not a spectacular song but a great message and very much in the Eurovision spirit. Well done France.

22: Italian: A polished performance. A good song. I could understand a few words here and there. We quite liked it. Clap along everyone.

23: Serbia: One leg out. It went all intense and ballad-y again. The girl can sing though. I'm surprised she's not constricted by that choker. My mum said she was very Elsa and I agree. it was a bit gothic Elsa, or Frozen does Eurovision. I was slightly concerned for her as she seemed to be superglued to the floor.


24: Switzerland: Oh God, the strut. I dislike him but the song is catchy.

25: Australia: The Ice Queen of Narnia? It's all very disconcerting. Are they on stilts? Wait a minute, where is that pole stuck? I think that's how she gets the high notes. Weird AF! It was very Wizard of Oz.

26: Spain: Ikea advert. Energetic, happy and cheesy AF. Look at all these bright colours and lights. We're so fun. We clearly work on children's TV.

Well that's it. We survived another night of Euro mayhem. Despite my initial worry at the amount of ballads, there was actually a great, weird, to ballad, to off the chain, ratio.

My top three were:

Iceland
Norway
Greece

Andrea also liked Italy and France. My dad liked the Russian entry and my Mum liked Greece and Sweden. As always, I'm sure none of my choices will even get close to a win, but thanks to them for the entertainment. Well Done to the UK entry who did a great job, and thanks to Madonna for once again proving what I've been saying for years: she can't sing for shit.

Enjoy the results and let me know your favourites.

Rants out.