Rants of a Bitter Northerner: Renovations

Ah. D.I.Y. Do. It. Yourself. Three words that instill fear into the wise and excitement into the bat shit crazy. They'll tell you, 'It's so rewarding. It's so great to know that you did that in your own home. No one can take that achievement away from you.' But what they fail to tell you is how much time it leaches from you and how grumpy and tired it makes you. No one can give you that week back. And they fail to tell you that it's not easy to make your painting look professional. You will have streaky bits, and the bits where you went against the grain - as it were - because you couldn't be arsed doing the Mr Miyagi up and down motion, you just wanted to cheat and go across with the paint brush. No of course we never did that anywhere. Don't look at the bit above the skirting boards, don't look at it!

But do look down your radiator. Turns out it makes a pretty good shot.

Granted these renovations were long overdue and we have lived here for over six and half years. So a re-paint and some new carpet was in order. But still. Having to box everything up and take all of the furniture apart and off the walls, just to put it back on again after we've painted, was a ridiculously tiresome task. And don't get me started on carpets. A wonder of the universe, they may be, but they are on the floor, underneath everything, which means all that heavy furniture and shelving needs to be moved. But where? You live in a one bedroom flat which has no spare room to dump stuff, no additional storage facility. Nothing. So it all goes in the bedroom and then you can't sleep there for four nights. Leaving you with the couch - now luckily ours is comfy - and the smell of paint. Yay!

There ain't no way we're getting in that room to sleep.

Come on. Where's Mary frickin' Poppins when you need her? Or Hermione Granger? I'm sure she could just Wingardium Leviosa the furniture off the ground - with all the stuff in - and hey presto the carpets would be down. That way it wouldn't take a day to box everything up and then another two days to un-box all the stuff you had to box up in order to be able to move the furniture in the first place. And you would also diminish the chance of forming Madonna arms along the way from carting around all those ridiculously heavy boxes with copious amounts of books in. Come on Hermione. We needed you.

Personal hygiene becomes a long forgotten ideal. If you manage to brush your teeth, then you're king of the cleanly. Because your shower is full of paint rollers and brushes, either washed and drying, or waiting to be washed. The rags you used to wash down the walls are strewn up dripping into the bath, and if you're not careful you might trip over a paint can and ruin your new carpet.

You'll also be privy to some very new experiences. At least I hope these are new experiences for you. Like, peeing with the door open, because there are four sets of shelves leaning against the bathroom door and nowhere to put them. So you make sure your partner is as far away as possible and you tell them to sing, whilst you're having a tinkle.

Then there's painting with the light of the iphone because the natural light has left you and you can't see a feckin' thing. That was fun. I think there was a midnight paddy and eventual surrender. 'Did I miss that bit, or is it just a shadow?'

There was also painting the ceiling whilst wearing sunglasses, in order to keep the paint out of our eyes. Again, see above for the shadows issue. It all goes kinda dark when you wear sunglasses, but it's either that or risk further sight problems.

We also had a huge problem when we were painting the hall and living room, as we had the paint mixed especially for us due to our original colour of 'marble white' being unavailable. But when it was opened, to say it had a pink tinge, was a slight understatement. Pink on my walls? I don't think so. Cue another taxi ride to the paint shop and back. Stupid paint machine. We settled for white.

Oh and at some point when you're D.I.Ying, I hope you experience the sleep deprived, absolute exhaustion giggles. Something small and probably not all that funny will set you off and you'll be unable to stop. There may even be tears. Ideally, avoid painting at this time. Spill factor: high. But savour these moments, because as the works go on, you may get less and less of them, as the grump slump takes over.

Okay, now to some tips for that D.I.Y project, whatever it may be. These may just about keep you sane.

Try to stay aware of the location of your screwdriver at all times. Or better still, attach it to you and have a batman utility belt. Or even better, have multiple screwdrivers. This tip also applies to that pesky roll of masking tape that you keep putting down, and those damn screws.
Be creative with your labelling of boxes. Try something that will make you laugh when the end seems impossible and you just want to give up and live in a hotel.

Be realistic with your targets. If you know something should take you X amount of days, then always account for an additional two or three days on top of that. Don't set yourself up for failure and subsequent guilt. It's just not worth it. Painting takes time, but more than that it's the moving everything before you paint, and wiping the walls down and making sure the dust sheets are down. It's not an easy process, so don't rush it, and don't be grumpy with your partner if it's not quite going to schedule.

Try and get in enough food for each day, or if it's a big project, stock up for a couple of days to stave off any chance of hunger anger. You certainly don't want that on top of the exhaustion and general grumpiness of your house being upside down.
But do try and get out into the world, if only for a bit of fresh air and a leg stretch or two. Otherwise you might just go doolally.
Prepare to cull. This is a great opportunity to thin out your stuff and give to charity, re-gift or just recycle. We have filled up the recycling bin two weeks in a row - sorry rest of the building. We have also sent about five boxes of stuff to various charity shops and have got rid of a lot of crap we've been hoarding for some time. Unfortunately this also takes a heck of a long time, so plan appropriately.

Finally, try to have fun with it, if at all possible. And try and be proud of your work. But most of all, be grateful that you won't have to do it again for another few years. And just be thankful there was no way you could do the carpets without professional help.