Eurovision 2013

Yay! It's that time of year again. It's the 58th Eurovision song contest and my 3rd annual Eurovision blog.
This year we are in Sweden, over that Bridge from the TV show The Bridge.

Well the CGI caterpillar had A hooked from the word go, but I would need a little more persuasion.
Now as usual, it will be a run through of the rather extensive notes I took throughout the show, so sit back, enjoy and relive the wonder of Eurovision.

Okay, so really the epic choral opening was quite distressing. This is Eurovision, let's not make it something it's not. Oh, it's the new anthem, did anyone know we already had one? (Justice, peace and liberty, we write the story.) And what was with the Olympic style flag bearing, time wasting spectacle? Were they hoping there would be a copy cat murder on the fake bridge, just like on the real bridge in that TV show The Bridge? Or did they think it was fun to allow them a further runway to flaunt their extreme randomness?

Already the pink knickers of Finland were offending me. And then the host comes out.....Urgh! Pink boots and a coat. Is she naked underneath? Oh, I get it she's a flasher.
"May the best song win." I highly doubt it. It's Eurovision.

And so to the acts:
1. France.
Tina Turner wannabe? Minus the thighs.
A added, "Is she wearing a crow?"
She was also touching herself, dirty bitch, though I guess if you're on first people have to remember her some how.

2.Lithuania
"So Long". Oh my word, is he retarded?
Weak pathetic voice. Well suited to a weak pathetic song!
Shoes that he's wearing today, one is called love, the other is Spain?/pain?

3.Moldova
Edward hair.
Light in dress. If you have a frock like that you don't have to move. Always a plus. She has a set of pipes though. Classic choreography in the background a la Backstreet Boys.
Ooooo, lightening  and terrifying expanding dress that sets on fire and everything. Awesome!

4.Finland
I'm actually gonna puke! I think the shoes just sent me over the edge. Ding dong? Oh dear.
No wonder her fiance hasn't proposed yet.
Veil + wind machine = best part of performance.
And finish with a girl on girl kiss. Thank god that is over.

5. Spain
Pretending to be a bagpipe with your voice is not the easiest or wises thing to do.
She's flat the whole time.  Come on bitch hit a frickin' note.
Definitely the right dress for a wind machine.

6. Belgium
Love kills. Youth.
Must keep my eyes open. Mustn't blink ever.
Creepy women appearing, giving him extra arms and the odd grope. Those poor women. I hope they are being properly compensated for this dire attempt at dancing.
Catchy though as I sang the last chorus with him. Shit!

7. Estonia
We've suddenly lost colour. A lovely wholesome lady. I know she's pregnant but I think that pretty much constitutes wearing a bin bag . Let's all applaud a long note. Why do people do that?

8. Belarus
They look like they are having fun, especially the 2 male dancers.
Sick of seeing her knickers. Maybe she should try more fabric next time.
Key change and fire.

9. Malta
So what the fuck is he doing there, if he's a Doctor? He has a respectable job. 
Very cute. I just wanna grab his cheeks and ruffle his hair.
No one will trust his medical knowledge after this.
Oh isn't it nice, everyone sitting on the bench together.

10. Russia
Audible breath.
Surrounded by lots of large balls. And they light up. Amazeballs.
Wholesome girl singing what appears to be a put your guns away, let's all live in harmony kind of song.
Good voice though. (Credit where it's due.)

11. Germany
Oh dear, she can't sing in tune.
Attempting to skip in those shoes. Ouch!
I like Cascada though as she's beautiful and normal sized, but I don't know why she was stood on a plinth the whole time.

12. Armenia
Excellent hand signals/choreography.
Girly scarf. Unnecessary wind machine.
This song is really boring. But they are rockin' that denim.
Fire shooting off in all directions:fire hazard.

13. Netherlands
Slit your wrists.
fantastic voice. Actually like the chorus. Although it ends, "That;s why birds don't fly." Now I'm confused: I thought they did.

14. Romania
This is brilliant! Punch bags behind him. And then there was that point where they replace him with a female opera singer. Magical!
Some men wearing panties, tumbling.
Then I realised how phallic the punch bags were.
He looks a little like Ming the Merciless from Flash Gordon.
I'm not sure he has a penis.
Oh and then a naked woman came. So that's nice.

15. United Kingdom.
Bonnie, Looking her age.
It's a shame we had to follow the penis-less wonder. Nothing could quite live up to that.
Bonnie, I think you either need to cough or chill the fuck out.
We've lost instantly. Though she did pick it up a bit and did us proud.

16. Sweden
He's an orange woman from Wigan. Heavy on the make-up.
Costumes from The Island? Or some futuristic, dystopian characters from a YA novel.
Ball grabbing moment plus fireworks.
He has a very lop sided quiff thing. Odd.

17. Hungary
Backing singer slapping her thighs in the background. Well there's nowt else to do.
Mish mosh mash.
I'm gonna whisper 'cause I can't really sing but look at my over sized beany.
How dull and grey.
The guitarist is having a lovely time. The singer is not. He's bored out of his mind and so am I.

18. Denmark
What's with the pipes and side drums?
Come on where's the marching band display?
Cute dress, voice and face. It's kind of Cinderella with a marching band escort and she forgot her shoes.
Crap song though. Don't know why it's the favourite.

19. Iceland
Brush your hair you scruffy fuck.
Wet song but the guy can sing. Wet guy too.
He really believes it though.
Finally he's found some friends just in time for the key change. That's good timing.

20. Azerbaijan
It's a bit deep for Eurovision.
Weird contortion style man in the box. Is he being the other guys shadow?
He must have been so thrilled, drowning in rose petals.
Additional spine on her dress. They do all this additional crap to detract from the terrible song.

21. Greece
They're playing hockey in gym skirts.
Classic chorus: Alcohol is free.
They definitely enjoyed wearing their skirts, a little more than they should.
Lighting up instruments. Cool as ken.
You can't help but enjoy this. I'm imagining being off my tits and skanking around quite happily to this. Should be renamed to: Alcohol is needed.

22. Ukraine
It's a giant! It's unnecessary.
I kinda wanna flick her in the face. Jealous of her figure though.
I can't pick out the melody. It's all over the place and slightly schizophrenic.

23. Italy
The most uncomfortable stance ever?
Cute suit.
They were going for simplicity but it came across as can't be arsed.
So generic.

24. Norway
Strobe extreme.
Nice voice!
Oh my god I actually like this one.
Epic! Slightly Scissor Sisters.

25. Georgia
Back to back. Spotlights. Tinkly Piano.
Oh my. No!
Lost in the mist. They have no feet.
Oh, the mist has gone. I got bored half way through and switched off.

26. Ireland
Semi naked Boran players. They didn't have any money for shirts. It's a shame.
I have an innate desire to slap him.
I actually can't believe it's Ireland. I think I might be craving Jedward.

Now, the voting is still going on, but I can safely say the top three is absolute bullshit! Where is Romania? And why is the Moldovian crazy lightening dress not getting more points? Luckily Norway is still going fairly strong and The Netherlands depressing one is doing okay as well. But really, the Danish song was shockingly shite!

A is asleep on the couch and there's still 10 countries to vote. Looks like Denmark may have it. At least we're not bottom this time, in fact Ireland just gave us 7 points, which was rather generous. We only gave them 1. But their song was a pile of topless crap.

How good was Petra the host? Awesome. Normally there's a few annoying people and they change outfits every three seconds. But she was cute and despite being an up scale flasher, she was actually quite funny and charming, with that Swedish charm. Oh though that stupid young guy and his hash tags can fuck right off. Or should I say, #fuck off. As always Graham Norton added an additional level of much needed sarcasm and with that I leave you.

Denmark have won. Ireland have well and truly lost and we haven't. Yes!

Happy Eurovision 2013
Thank God there's only one of these things every year.